Graphic - what is real?

tralou94 · 28-10-2012, 06:15 AM

im laying in bed wait ing for him to come in like he did every night. i had that feeling i always got when i knew it would be worse... when hed hurt me worse. only something was off but i couldnt figure out what it was. then the scream. it scared the hell out of me cuz i knew it was my sisters scream, i shot up and run to her room and hes hurting her. he promised he wouldnt if i did what he wanted. i was suposed to protect her.
but then i wake up and i check on my sister just to make sure he hadnt hurt her. hes not even here any more and im freaking out. i decide to sit im my safe place the bath tub. while i sit there i realize i cant stop thinking of him and what he had done to me... at first it wasnt that bad... he'd just touch me and make me do the same to him. then one night he tried to go all the way... but i was able to stop him. the next night was horrid. he knew id try to stop him event if that meant making noise... that night i got to see who he really was. he hurt me any way he could think of. and he repeated it every night for a year most nights not that bad. but thats the night ive been thinking about all day, the day i found out how helpful a knife could be for me...
ive been so good and now im going on 11 months 'clean' but these are what might ruin that.

mellee · 28-10-2012, 07:01 AM

Stay strong, not only for your sister, but for you. A person can hurt you physically but can never take your strength unless surrendered. Your stronger than you think. If you need to talk, pm me

Stellata · 28-10-2012, 08:15 AM

It can be so painful when your mind is trapped, even partially, in a past reality. I understand how unsafe it can feel.

PassedExpectations · 29-10-2012, 08:29 PM

great job for resisting the urge to harm for that long, especially when you are facing such difficult memories. try to give yourself credit for what you are doing well.

sometimes when i'm stuck thinking about the past it helps me to have something to look at or listen to that reminds me that i'm in the present, not back in my memories... can you think of anything that might do that for you?

tralou94 · 30-10-2012, 05:32 AM

i normally talk to my friend who as of tonight i dont dont have. because my brother is back in town he told CPS my parents are abusive and they believed him. and wont hear any thing i have to say about him. so my other sibilings have been placed in foster care. my friend thet told my parents what hed been doing is the one i thought would help me through this. but nope, she screwed me...