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Old 15-01-2019, 12:10 AM   #1
Unbreakable.
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Not seeing the upside of not wanting to die quite frankly.

So, I haven't felt suicidal in a while and I guess in theory that's fantastic.
Practically speaking though it just has me frustrated because the idea of just staying alive and dealing with everything it entails is unbearable.
Like, I detest lacking the urge or motivation to die. Because the alternative is staying alive and it's just not for me and I really don't want to have to deal with that.

I would claim that I am currently not depressed and reasonably stable overall.
So I guess this is as good as it gets and it really wasn't worth not killing myself when I really wanted to.

I don't know what I want from this thread.
Maybe I just needed to put it out there.
Write me a haiku if you can't think of anything else I guess.



Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know


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Old 15-01-2019, 03:16 AM   #2
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I can relate. It's a really hard place to be in when neither option is ideal or feasible.

I think my therapist once told me that emotional suffering is a very real, valid thing, and existing in that sort of in between sounds very much like emotional suffering. (Which doesn't require being depressed.)

Sorry for also being useless but I can absolutely empathise and validate what you are saying.



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Old 16-01-2019, 04:22 AM   #3
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Thank you, Camden <3

It just feels like everything I do is just killing time.
But killing time until what/when???
Until things get better? But what exactly even do I think will get better?
I am just in a continuous state of waiting and I don't know what I am waiting for.

I want things to change, but I don't want to have to *do* things for them to get better. And that's not gonna happen so I'm pretty much just stuck with this pathetic excuse of an existence.



Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know


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Old 16-01-2019, 05:11 AM   #4
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I uh think I posted that exact same thing recently.

I guess for me I don't hold on for the possibility of things getting better. I hold on for the possibility of things being different. To be those are suggesting two different possibilities and I guess it's more feasible in my mind that given time things (whether internal or external) might change and that might be good enough. Or it might be enough that it sort of clarifies a new direction or path that I haven't yet come across.

My therapist human described it like driving on a freeway in the dark with no lights. You don't know what's ahead of you because you can't see it, but you assume there's an exit somewhere so you keep driving. In time when you get close to that exit there will be signs and some lights indicating where to go. If you'd have stopped driving you don't ever get even to see the signs.

I don't know. It made sense to me but was still very frustrating and if the metaphor makes no sense to someone who doesn't live in America then feel free to ignore.

Another thing that I know is struggle with is sitting with the unknown. Not having a long term plan or goal that seems feasible or positive. It's been suggested to me that I should work on managing and coping with that discomfort but I haven't really figured out how to do that.



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Old 19-01-2019, 08:18 PM   #5
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When darkness rages
Keep moving towards the light
Even just pinpricks




Imperfection is underrated.



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Old 05-02-2019, 05:01 AM   #6
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Thanks Camden for your insightful post.
My situation has been close to literally the same for years, so I don't see much potential for change. I got better mental health wise, but my life is still a cluster fuck. Ergo, my mental health wasn't the problem in the first place. It was me all along.

I accept the blame, but I refuse to accept responsibility and do anything about it. I am weak and pathetic and nasty.

In other news, I think I am back to wanting to die, but who even knows. I can't tell the difference anymore tbh.

Thanks for caring, Jodie <3



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Old 05-02-2019, 07:31 AM   #7
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What in your life right now is so awful? (I mean that honestly, not judgementally.) Clusterfuck to me would indicate there being more than one thing and while noble of you to shoulder the blame, it's possible that it may not be entirely your fault. Sometimes situational things can be beyond your control or ability to change. But that doesn't mean there aren't ways you can cope with it.



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Old 04-03-2019, 04:57 AM   #8
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Everything is wrong.
I realize that is not very specific, I just don't know where to start.

I wish I was dead.
Nothing matters anyway.



Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know


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Old 04-03-2019, 06:28 AM   #9
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I walk through almost every day wanting to die. One thing that holds me back is my depression because I know I would fail. It's not easy and with my luck I would survive the hanging with permanent brain damage. The other thing is if you are like me you know a few types of people you can help, like how one_step_closer helped me recently, or you know someone or something that drives a will to survive even if you don't realize it's there.

"Here I stand against the dying of the light."

... And I choose to survive because my abusers are still out there, inside and out, whether they still draw breath or not.

Don't be in such a hurry, comrade.

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Old 04-03-2019, 03:03 PM   #10
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I know that feeling of everything being wrong, where there is a huge ache that you can't seem to separate into manageable pieces or even explain in smaller bits. It's exhausting and makes you feel very hopeless. I'm sorry that you are in this place right now. Things do matter though, you matter very much. Is anyone supporting you at the moment? Focus on the small things to get by if you can, see if there is a way you can ease that pain until you can see things in another form. I'm sure you can do this, I know it feels awful though. If you can think of what you need, that is safe, then please try and ask for it.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-03-2019, 08:33 PM   #11
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Thank you for the kind words <3

There's probably a thing or two I could do that would improve things. But it just doesn't seem worth the hassle. I'll always end up feeling like this again anyway. So what's the point in trying?

And now there is some major family/wedding drama going on and people blamed me for things that 1) are most likely not even true and 2) are not my fault whether they are true or not. I can't deal with that shit.



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Old 04-03-2019, 10:43 PM   #12
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I know how you feel. My family and I don't get along either. I haven't spoken to them in ... I don't remember how long actually.

I'm starting to feel old.

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Old 05-03-2019, 12:07 AM   #13
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I guess for me, little things, even if temporary are worth it. I try to hold onto nice things and focus on those when I can, and my therapist human has encouraged me to do this as well. They can help you focus on the present and less so much on the big picture of existential dread. So if there is anything that might improve things, no matter how little or short lived, it might be worth it? Do you want to share what those are?

I'm sorry your family is having drama and stress. It's not fun. Is there anyone you can trust who is on your side through this?



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 05-03-2019, 07:11 PM   #14
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I can also relate to that knowing that things might get better but then may end up coming back to a difficult point again. I think it is worth trying to get some relief in the moment though rather than suffer more than you need to through this time. Why does it feel like a hassle? Are they big things you'd have to do? You might be able to do smaller parts of them if it's too much.

I'm sorry your family are being not so great right now. Please be kind to yourself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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