I dont really want advice, I seemed to have helped myself over the years, I guess I just want to tell my story.
I have no feelings towards it anymore, I dont think I ever did, I just always seemed numb when it happened and just feel numb when I think about it, no anger, no tears, nothing.
My brother had been sexually abusing me since as far back as I can remember, one of my first memories is a damaged one.
My brother no longer lives at home, he no longer lives in this country, so I guess he thought it was already when he phoned my mum crying and told her everything he had done to me, I guess he figured he wouldnt really have to face the music as he isnt here, he would just leave it all to fall on me. My mother was no help, I was at her house when he called (I have my own place) and I knew instantly what they were talking about, I even heard my mum say "you were just experimenting, lots of kids do it" ... forever making me hate my mother.
Do lots of kids do it? Do lots of little girls wake up to find thier brother touching them? Do lots of little girls get scared when it comes to going to be in fear of being abused? Is that experimenting? Was it all ok because he got curious? No no no.
How dare she say that, how dare those words leave her mouth.
My mother was sexually abused by her father when she was a child, how dare she make my brother feel ok about it, then being the bitch that she is my mother passed the phone to me so he could "apologise" and sat and looked at me to see how I would react, he was crying down the phone to me, I dropped the phone and walked out of my mothers house, mad at her and mad at him, in the end I HAD to tell my boyfriend about my past as my mother made it impossible not to, she phoned him at work asking if he had seen me as I was upset and she was "worried" about me, leaving me no choice but to tell him.
What this post is really about though is my little sister.
I found out at the time of my mother finding out that he did it to my sister too, not happy with destroying one of his sisters he moved on to the other, only he took it further with her, he raped her many times. It never got that far with me, maybe if it had he wouldnt have done it to her, I am stronger than her, I could have handled it, I dont think she can, Its destroying her.
She is only 14 years old and her whole childhood is tainted and ruined, just like mine, her memories are sick ones, ones of a monster who was supposed to look out for us but instead became the one who hurt us. My little sister cried into my arms, I held her while she broke her heart crying, all I could do was apologise to her, apologise for not knowing, apologies for it happening to her and not me, I wish it had happened to me, just to save her from all her pain.
How can a brother do that?
I look forward to the day we get a phone call saying he is dead.
That is all I guess, I thought I would feel alittle better after writing this down but I dont, there is so much I want to say to my mother but I dont want to talk to her about this, this is one part of my life she is having nothing to do with, I hope she is happy knowing her two daughters are as damaged as she is.
theres such a fine line between curiosity and abuse when it comes to children. but if it affected and upset you this much, it sounds like it wasnt experimentation. prehaps your mother will never understand it, but you cant worry about who will and wont beleive you. all you can do is work through your emotions with the people who do beleive you. maybe you can try and talk to your mother about how badly its affected you if youre close to her. it may help her understand. she mightnt want to face the idea that her son has grown up to be like his grandfather, it would be painful, but it still dosent excuse what shes said.
you need to try and be there for your sister. youre both lucky somewhat, in that you have someone that totally understands. of course idealy she would have never been hurt, or you would have never been hurt for that matter, but you cant reverse that now. you can only be there for each other, and help each other. dont underestimate your sister, she could be just as strong as you. dont be afraid to lean on her, or she will be afraid to lean on you too.
i hope things get easier for you both, please feel free to PM, even if its just to rant
Live to Dream and Dream to Live
A flash in the dark Of a blade so clean Memories of remorse Thoughts left unseen
We can do this in time, we can be free
(Was written in late 2006. Now, finally, early 2008, I really am free, and it feels amazing)
well done for being brave enough to share that hun....and you dont deserve to feel guilty about what your brother did to your sister, you both should have been safe and protected in your own home. if you both feel comfortable enough maybe you could talk to each other, you and your sister need to stay close around this. it might also be a good idea now that it is in the open to get yourself and your sister some counselling.
it's sad to hear stories like yours but i'm sure you know your not alone, and i'm sorry your mum cant see it for what it is, abuse.
take care sweetie xoxoxoxox
Do not follow the common path.....go where there is no path and leave a trail.....
i dont know what to say to be honest but i read all you wrote and just wanted to say you are so brave and strong to have been able to write all you did and you didnt deserve any of what happened or your mom to react the way she did. even if you cant say all you want to your mom it might be worth writing everything in a letter but you dont have to send it - i know thats whjat people always say to write things down but the options there and it could be worth a try. you did nothing wrong and neither did your sister and deserve so much more - its horrible what people do to inncocent childeren and it has huge effects on lives not just while its happening but aftr aswell. you're not on your own and i wish i could take all your and your sisters pain away from you i really do because you didnt nd dont deserve any of it *safe hugs*
ellie
i think your mom was looking for an excuse
she didn't want to feel she was a bad parent and raised bad kids
but don't worry about what anybody tells you because you are so strong and i admire you! if that bastard had raped my little sister idk what i would do to him.
it was not "experimenting" experimenting i understand *kind of*
but he RAPED her that has nothing to do with experimentation
anyway i am proud of you and i hope you go on far in life and forget about anybody who hurts you - they're not worth it.