OK.... I know I haven't come on here very much and I don't give out support as much as I would like but I haven't been in a position to and don't want to cause more problems then I am worth so I don't really know if I should be on here at the moment. I need to talk though,... I feel like I am going crazy!
Before I was 3 I was happy... my Mum has always said that I was happier and carefree. When I was 3 we moved into a house (me, my mum and my brother) and that was when things started going wrong.
When I was about 6/7 I don't know my age... the guy over the road touched me over my clothes.. I don't remember this incident but my Mum told me it happened and it's been playing on my mind because I don't remember it.
Anyway, his brother and sister used to bully me. They would call me names and threaten to stab me... I was terrified to leave the house without an adult for almost 3 years! I was so scared. It was going to church that finally got me out.
We had next door neighbours. There were two brothers who used to come around...one of them used to play in the garden with me things like cricket... he was alright... but I used to say very sexual things to him. I think now that's due to what happened. He was in his early 20's I think when I got to know him.
His brother Jason... well he went out with my Mum a couple of times, they were like best mates for most of the time I lived in that house. I don't know when it started but I remember mainly around when I was 10 or 11 Jason used to sexually abuse me.
I used to be very chatty and I invited him up to help me tidy my room, or tuck me into bed, or chat to me. He would come up but then he would kiss and touch me. The was a game called the sex game which had cards that told you things to do and he would do them to me.
Then sometimes he would get me to undress or he would undress me... he would lay me onto my bed. He would kiss me from head to toe.. and then he would lick me and enter me with his tongue. I've been told this can be classed as oral rape... but I don't know..
Anyway, so it only came out last year and I still can't speak it out. I'm too ashamed.. I feel so sick... and he wasn't even the last because my ex-boyfriend when I was about 11/12 tried to force me into having sex with him.
I am so scared this will all happen again with someone else that I can't trust anyone... i feel so filthy. Since last september I have tried to kill myself 20 times and I am still very suicidal I have made plans.... and everything. I hate myself so much... I can't cope with life much anymore.
I am so sorry this is so long... i Needed to talk.
I do see a counsellor.