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Old 29-09-2019, 09:15 PM   #1
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Everything and nothing...

Don't know what I need from this...

Just everything's getting overwhelming again.

I'm off work all this next week... which is good because I desperately need time away from work... but time off usually goes wrong and ends up in self harm and drunkenness and general unproductiveness... I'm possibly seeing my friend Tuesday and Thursday for a walk in the mornings and Saturday I'm going home for the day to see my parents, but otherwise have nothing planned.

I'm having really bad problems with my shoulder and need to call Bupa. I hate admitting that anything is wrong, I'm a real ostrich when it comes to health stuff, both mental and physical, so this is really hard for me to take action and do something about. I also really hate phone calls but I'm in pain all the time now and it's disturbing my sleep and I can't even reach up to tie my hair back any more without a lot of pain. It's been getting worse and worse since February... I shouldn't leave it any longer but... making that phone call is so stressful... and communicating down the phone what the problem is so they can refer me for the right treatment. Could be as simple as physio or more complicated like a small operation. The not knowing is stressing me out as well... I might need to see occupational health too because it's affecting me at work... It's too much to deal with.

My house is a mess, my kitchen is a tip... I have no one to keep me in check so everything just gets ignored. I can push myself when it gets too much or when motivation randomly hits me so can get it clean-ish but I can't keep on top of things. I don't cook or eat proper meals, I don't sleep properly. This isn't life...

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Old 29-09-2019, 09:55 PM   #2
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Can you think of something you could put in place on the days you don't have stuff planned for next week? Especially stuff you might enjoy, gets you out the house or gets you in touch with people.

It does sound like you recognise you need to get a referral from Bupa, so that's positive, but it does sound rally difficult to get beyond the fear and avoidance of health stuff. Sometimes I think the anticipation is worse- would it be better to jot down some bullet points and make the call tomorrow morning? Maybe plan something particularly nice to do afterwards.

So, the past couple of paragraphs are very practical but I wanted to acknowledge what you said about this not being life... and I think you're right, in the sense that people who don't have mental health difficulties don't tend to struggle with self care as much (on the whole). They don't try to numb everything with alcohol or self harm. That's not because there's something wrong work you as a person, you haven't failed in any way. You're struggling with mental health and that makes everything so much harder - but it also means that things can get better. They can be better than this.

Maybe it would be too much to suggest that you see a doctor for mental health (though I would recommend it) as well as physical health. I know you've mentioned having a friend you've thought about telling before, and I arrived how it would feel to write her a letter but without necessarily sending it.

If you think of anything we can do which might be helpful, do let us know.

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Old 29-09-2019, 10:21 PM   #3
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I probably need to go to the shop at some point in the week so that will get me out. I can't really think of anything I'd enjoy... If I do too much I just get knackered and although I whine about being lonely, being around people too much isn't a good thing. I want to try and get some gardening done, if I'm in the right frame of mine I do enjoy that, although it is an overwhelming task.

I do want to call Bupa tomorrow. You're right, the anticipation is worse but knowing that doesn't make it any easier unfortunately. I am going to try to get it done this week... because I actually have to now. I can't ignore this much longer.

Things can be better... but that is a scary prospect on its own. I don't think I've ever had a time where things have felt "better" or even ok. Stuff masked it for a long time but really things have never been ok as far as I can remember... so imagining things any differently is hard to comprehend.

I know I should go to my doctor but I really don't feel capable of doing that.

I like the idea of writing a letter to my friend without sending it. I might try that.

Thank you for the reply. Your advice is always so well thought out and sensible. I really do appreciate that.

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Old 01-10-2019, 03:40 PM   #4
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Got myself out of the house on Monday for an hour - went to visit the pumpkin patch so that is something I enjoy. And went for a walk with my friend this morning which was nice.

And... I have finally managed to call Bupa... Got to wait until tomorrow afternoon for a phone consultation though. 24 hours seems like a long time and now I don't know what to do with myself. All out of sorts after making the phone call even though the person I spoke to was very good and explained the possible outcomes... Just... ugh. x.x

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Old 01-10-2019, 07:59 PM   #5
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Well done for doing those things, I can imagine they must have been a bit of a struggle for you. What other things do you enjoy doing - both alone and with your friend? If you could spend some good time with your friend and also spend some comfortable time with yourself that would be great.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-10-2019, 09:31 AM   #6
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Thanks. I thought I'd feel more proud or a bit of relief after making the phone call but I don't.

Been trying to think about things I enjoy doing... but I'm struggling to answer that. I don't get a lot of enjoyment out of things any more and I know that's probably down to depression.

Going for another walk tomorrow with my friend. Hopefully it will be a bit longer this time and we'll have more time to talk about stuff (her stuff)... and then I have a busy day on Saturday. Filling the time between that on my own is difficult. I'm slowing chipping away at the washing up that's been building up for weeks (and I mean weeks, found a dirty bowl that I know was from three weeks ago...)

I wish I could just potter around, watch tv, and do a bit of gardening or a bit of tidying without it building up to be a monumental and unrealistic task to achieve.

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Old 02-10-2019, 12:37 PM   #7
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It sounds a bit like you're putting lots of pressure on yourself to feel 'ok' maybe? Like you don't just let yourself do stuff, you expect yourself to be able to do stuff and to get really positive things from it. I'm not sure if this is right or if I'm explaining it well, but it's like you're not allowing yourself to just 'be' with no judgements or expectations. Of course, it's not good to not enjoy anything and to feel so awful but maybe taking some pressure off yourself would make feeling ok easier to achieve. I'm really sorry if I'm getting this completely wrong.

Are there any small things that feel ok if not good? What is it about visiting the pumpkin patch that you enjoy?

Would you consider opening up a bit to your friend on your walk?

I hope today is alright for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-10-2019, 04:51 PM   #8
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I think I get what you mean. I've never thought about it that way before. What's the point of just doing stuff if there is no positive benefit though? There are always judgements and expectations even if I'm doing things for myself... I don't know.

I'm not sure what small things feel ok. The pumpkin patch is nice because it's mine, I'm up there totally on my own, it's peaceful with just me and the chickens... and I can produce something cool at the end of it. It's like... growing something unusual, on that scale, that no one else is doing or can do... gives me worth.

My friend has enough on her plate at the moment. Her husband was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety so I don't want to add to that. Although we've been talking about it and from some of the things I've said she might guess that I'm talking from experience, I dunno.

Today is ok. SO nervous before the phone call though, like actually felt sick... but it was alright. Been referred on to a specialist for scans and a proper assessment so I've got to wait for another phone call now.

I hate asking for help.

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Old 02-10-2019, 05:00 PM   #9
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I'm really glad you asked for help with your shoulder even though you hate asking for help and I hope that in the future you will be able to ask for help with other things too.

Does talking through depression and anxiety stuff with your friend, even if it's not about you, help at all to get some things off your chest? It's really kind that you are supporting your friend and I'm sure she'd want to be there for you. Did you try writing a letter not to send like Soft Kitty suggested?

I think what I mean is that things of course are better if they feel satisfying and good in some way but thinking that you 'should' feel X way or whatever might actually be putting so much pressure on you that you can't relax and enjoy things. Why do you think you judge yourself so much? The pumpkin patch does sound like a good place for you, do you get there often?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-10-2019, 05:11 PM   #10
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I am glad too, it's just that asking for help brings about a whole load of other things to have to do which is more pressure in itself. I am sort of proud though. I think what I also don't understand is that people want to help, I mean, I know it's their job to do that but I find it hard to see myself as being worth their time and care.

No I don't think it does help because it's quiet general and not personal stuff at all. I vent to her about work stuff and that does help. I haven't tried the letter yet but I do want to do that.

Is it more like being in the moment? I'm not very good at that at all. I judge myself because that's what everyone else is doing to me, maybe?

I'm up at the patch at least three times a week after work. It was probably every day for a few weeks too but everything has slowed up now and it's actually harvest day on Monday so I won't need to be up there any more other than to tidy up.

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Old 02-10-2019, 05:16 PM   #11
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I'm glad you're proud of yourself even a little. I know asking for help does then just mean having to do more things but you've managed the first step and hopefully you can do the rest. Take things as they come. I know what you mean about wondering why people would want to help even though you recognise it's their job. It's sad that you feel like you're not worth it, but you are worth it. I know my words probably won't touch your own judgements of yourself but you truly do deserve care, support and treatment.

Does the environment of the pumpkin patch help in itself? Maybe you could visit more often even if there isn't a lot to be getting on with. Is there maybe another project you could start to give you something else to focus on?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-10-2019, 05:27 PM   #12
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Thanks. It's hard to read that but I do appreciate your words.

The patch is a work area so I don't feel I can go there out of pumpkin season really. There are a few things I want to do to prepare for next year though so I will go up there a few more times. I could do weeding and work in my own garden instead but... I find that hard because once I'm home I just switch off, shut down, want to hide away indoors.

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Old 03-10-2019, 05:24 PM   #13
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What motivates you to go to the pumpkin patch? Is it just because it's for work? It is hard to get out once you're at home, I understand, are there things that would make doing things in your garden more pleasant/feel like you are switched off, shut down, and hiding, just in your garden rather than inside struggling to occupy yourself?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-10-2019, 07:38 PM   #14
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Mostly because it's for work and if I fail at it then there is no display. But also personal pride because it's something I personally want to succeed at.

Hm, I dunno, I usually put music on. I'd enjoy it more if I could ever get on top of it. Like, I spent hours weeding and then it all just comes back again and worse so it feels like a completely pointless task.

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Old 03-10-2019, 08:22 PM   #15
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Yeah, that is annoying with weeds. Are there places were you could focus on other aspects of gardening? So maybe do some weeding and then do something nicer like sort out some plants or make a themed corner or whatever? I know the weeds will still keep growing though. Are there less weeds in the colder months?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-10-2019, 08:57 PM   #16
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My garden is mostly weeds, that's all that needs doing really. Yeah they sort of die off in winter and then all the seeds sprout in the spring.

I'm fried from phone calls and peopling and appointments... and it's going to be ongoing for about 3 months... I'm so tired and just want to sleep without being in pain.

And it's so nice not being at work because, although I'm knackered now, look at what I've achieved this week (not much in reality but big stuff for me...)

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Old 03-10-2019, 09:41 PM   #17
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Well done for everything you achieved this week! I think it's easy to beat ourselves up about what we manage to achieve or not, but remember it's not a competition - if it's a big accomplishment for you, then it deserves to be celebrated.

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Old 04-10-2019, 10:19 AM   #18
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I think now that I'm at the end of my week off and my mind is already thinking about all the upcoming things at work, that everything is going to be so much harder again. And I'm going to have to talk to my supervisor about appointments and I just want to stay isolated and not include people that don't need to know... although it's nothing remotely embarrassing. The world just doesn't allow me to do things at my own pace.

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