Today i have binged and purged numerous times. im not proud of it, infact im scared. i feel like i might be relapsing and im scared to get help because i dont want to end up back in hospital. not only that but im ashamed that i dont have the ability to just eat healthily darn it. i dont think me and food will ever be friends but id settle for being civil.
Help! How can i normalise my relationship with food?
thannks for your replies.
Ive managed to cut down on it, reminding myself when tempted to binge how guilty id feel after so i leave the kitchen.
Am thinking of keeping a food diary, do you think itd help? i think im not going to replace binge foods, id like to say ill get rid of what i do have but dont think im mentally strong enough.
First, I'm so proud of you for cutting back! It may not seem like a huge accomplishment, but it really is! It's a step in the right direction, and that's what recovrry is, baby steps in the right direction. Is there a particular reason why you binge/purge? Any triggers that you are aware of? They told me to write down emotions I feel around binge days and also the dysmorphic days, I haven't done it (I am taking recovery VERY slow, but it's the only way I can manage). A question that I've asked myself which has helped me greatly has been "Okay, you can't do that, but what can you do?" I have Anorexia binge/purge subtype, but with the binging I asked myself "Is there something a little better for you that you can binge on without feeling so overwhelmingly guilty afterwards that you have to purge?". Popcorn has been my huge go-to since it's a healthy food and the calories are low enough I can eat a lot without feeling guilty. I have found it easier not to keep my binge foods in my house, but I totally admit there are days I have literally went to the store just to buy food to binge on, so I do understand how hard it it. I guess another couple questions would be "Are you afraid of gaining weight?", "Do you feel shame just because you ate more than you should, or because of the calories?". A food journal was good and bad for me, when my ED started at 11 I was bulimic, but it quickly turned into anorexia with the food journal and calories, I eventually quit counting the binge foods, and recently started again just to prove to everyone how much I was eating, and I found it was less than a 3rd of what I thought, and very close to a normal diet, which did help me a lot to not purge afterwards. Also do you do any restricting when not binging? This can trigger binges. Reaching out to someone when you feel the desire to act on behaviors can help immensely, do you have a family member or friend you would feel comfortable talking to? You can always PM me and I will do my best to support you, I know sometimes it's easier to talk with someone else with an ED. It takes a LOT of support to get thru this. I definitely would have given up weeks ago if not for mine, so I want to help any way I can. There are a lot of things to accept with ED's, one being that relapses will happen, you just have to actively keep trying to recover. My girls kept reminding me of that this week and I was able to pull myself up for the most part, which is a huge relief. It's definitely hard at first, but it does start feeling better to know you are making progress for yourself. Please don't give up! You're strong for acknowledging you have a problem and reaching out for help!
Thanks for your understanding and advice!
I never thought about the popcorn idea, i guess rice cakes would work too. I think my ED thoughts have come back cause i feel a little out of control, ive gained alot of weight because of meds im on and want to lose it but ive never been able to diet healthily.
I told myself that i was going to be 'good' today but ended up b/ping. i keep telling myself that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, praying that i wont slip up. binging is like a comfort and then purging is like a 'deserved' punishment.
I think i will try a food/emotions diary. ill give it a week and see how it goes
So sorry I didn't see this sooner. I'm very glad you went so long without binging/purging! It's a great start. The awful truth about recovery is that relapses WILL happen, it doesn't mean you are useless or not trying hard enough. The thing about ED's is that our brain is actually wired different from a "normal" brain so we have to change the neuro pathways and that takes a long time. I was told that the average recovery is 6 years, although usually with proper treatment it's under control within a year, it takes a long time for your brain to reroute to a new way(s) of coping. I definitely can relate to how you feel, I've spent MANY days saying "You already messed up for the day so you might as well eat what you want" but recently I've realized I need to fight those thoughts. I am far from being able to cotrol all my ED thoughts/behaviors, but I have managed to control small things, so it does get better, but it's a VERY slow process and you will have bad days. I promise though, you're making an effort and that is the first HUGE step. We're all here for you and believe in you, tomorrow is a new day, and a chance to do better, you don't have to be perfect, just a little tiny bit better than today, and you're making progress. I know you can do it!!!!
The thing is i need the control it gives me. if im not b/ping im obsessing over calories. yes a part of me wants to recover but equally part of me doesnt, part of me is proud when i get through the day with x amounts of calories because then im in control.
i know my head is screwed up but i desperatly need to be thin
I know how you feel dear, but please trust me, this is NOT the way to do it. I've been suffering for 11 years and I've damaged my body, not to mention my emotional state. Anorexia with binge/purge subtype can be very dangerous. There are healthy ways of having control and losing weight. What can I do to help you?
i honestly dont know what can be done, just listening, not judging and offering advice helps. its good to know im not alone in this. i feel a bit bad asking for support when i am clinically obese, but i guess EDs dont just affect the skinny.
No, please don't feel bad! My medical team actually told me it's more dangerous to have anorexia and not be underweight because it usually goes unnoticed until you go into organ failure. My BMI is technically overweight, but my doctor said I'm very lean and toned so I will always weigh more. I fought them for a long time because "I'm not thin" and then my dietician looked me right in the eye and said (and I quote) "I can promise you, you will go into organ failure before you ever become underweight, in fact, I'd be willing to bet you'd go into organ failure before you lost x pounds" she proceeded to explain why and how your body works, once you reach a certain point your body starts breaking down organs vs fat. And your body can shut down everything to survive, and because I've done this for so long, they told me I literally burn like a tenth of the calories I should. In the long run, if you are highly restrictive now, what you do lose you will gain back (because your body thinks it's starving and has to store everything it gets) and you will most likely lose muscle mass, which is what helps you burn more calories at rest. It's hard, and unfortunately some people still believe you have to be thin to have an ED other than BED, but that is NOT the case. If you are embarrassed to talk to your Dr about it because you feel you are overweight, then maybe just tell him/her you were b/p and now you're becoming very restrictive and worried where it might lead. I've heard that if treated in the first year it's MUCH easier, the longer it goes the hard it is to recover. It's really scary and emotional to go to a dr, but they can help. There are even meds that help with the compulsive binge/purge cycle until you can get thru therapy. Please don't feel like you're being judged here, though. This is supposed to be a safe place. Please keep reaching out. I'm here, like I said before, you can always PM me if you feel like talking and having that support might help. It makes a huge difference knowing you aren't alone, and I promise you aren't. We're all (unfortunately) in this boat together, but together we can overcome it. I believe in you, you understand you have a problem and are asking for support and that is the biggest (and hardest) step. It's baby steps from here and it's a bit easier to manage in those tiny steps. It will get better