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Old 16-10-2019, 07:50 PM   #1761
one_step_closer
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Thank you. I will think about mentioning the scale thing.

I've just tested my smoke alarms and traumatised myself. I've never actually done it myself, the only times they have been tested have been when the fire people were out and although of course I was there at the time it was less scary with them there. I feel like a child. I have been scared of fire and fire related stuff since I was a child and I have at least one nightmare about fire each week. I tried to listen to a thunder and rain track but it was too harsh but then all sounds feel like too much right now. I'm going to have to go through this every month if I want to be sure I'm as safe from fire as it is possible to be.

The fire people think going to the fire station might make me more anxious since it's a working environment but there is a safe house place I can visit with them where fire hazards are shown, and they think that might reassure me because I don't do any of the hazardous things that would be shown there. It also might make me more anxious though. I'm not sure what to do for the best.

And now it's the evening again and I have to find ways to occupy myself all night.

Pathetic problems.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-10-2019, 02:30 PM   #1762
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I didn't make it to the gym group again. My new key worker (who also takes the group) is going to be very annoyed. I can't do anything right. I'm totally messing up everything and I can't explain to anyone why things are so difficult.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-10-2019, 02:39 PM   #1763
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Is there a way to try to reframe that at all? If you're finding things difficult it makes sense you weren't able to go. That's just one little thing. I bet there are other things you have done right, and not going to one event one day doesn't mean everything is wrong or messed up.

I hope your new key worker might be understanding.



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Old 17-10-2019, 02:45 PM   #1764
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Thanks. I know I battle through every day and I do achieve little things. People say trying to manage MH problems is like having a full time job and I can relate to that. Not that I've ever had a full time job though. My new key worker seems quite forceful and she hasn't arranged any support for me at all when I came out of hospital or before that when she started as my key worker even though she knew I was struggling. Maybe I'm just comparing her to my previous key worker who was a very good fit for me and knew what I needed and when.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-10-2019, 11:29 AM   #1765
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I can't deal with the guilt I carry around, it's going to plague me for the rest of my life. I want to kill myself to get rid of it but I never get suicide right. I hate being trapped here. I am such an idiot. Forever and ever.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-10-2019, 11:56 AM   #1766
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This is a challenging question you don't have to answer. What would it look like for things to be different? I don't mean wanting things to be different or wanting life, but accepting that you don't want it and committing to living anyway (for a little while).

I'm just asking because it's horrible to be so stuck where you are, to feel so trapped. Nobody wants you to die, and nobody wants you to have to feel this much pain. I have been there before and it's just awful. What I eventually had to do was put off suicide altogether (for me, it was a year) and start to build a 'life worth living'. Start to commit to a future, even if it wasn't what I wanted, even if it was hard. Even if it was only for a year.

I'm not saying this will work for you but it might put some space between the constant ache and dilemma of not being able to kill yourself.

I know this reply might not feel easy to read and I'm sorry for that. I just want you to know at least that you're not alone, we're thinking of you and sitting with you. And if you want to ignore this post, that's totally okay too, I won't be offended.

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Old 20-10-2019, 01:12 PM   #1767
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Thanks for your reply. People have said similar to me before, that if I can't seem to get suicide right then maybe I should focus on trying to make life better rather than trying to kill myself. I don't really know what a better life looks like for me though, other than my brother being healthy and happy and I don't have much influence over that. If I could let go of some of my 'obsession' with my brother and his well being or lack of well being then maybe my life would be better but that doesn't seem right to do or possible. He would still be suffering.

I've also just realised that my extra lack of focus/difficulty in starting and maintaining activities/TV intolerance etc might be because of the Aripiprazole increase since it was like this for a while when I first started on the Aripiprazole. I can't remember how long it took for it to get better and how significantly better it was. I'm getting frustrated at finding it so difficult to occupy myself and I just want to self harm all the time. Not being able to do many activities means that I have way too much time to get annoyed with myself and think about how hard life is. I'm trying to think to myself, ok you have possibly identified the cause here and I think the side effects did get a bit better the first time around so maybe I just need to be kind to myself and do whatever I can to not wind myself up. It's hard though, even though it maybe sounds pathetic. It's difficult to explain how things are.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-10-2019, 01:25 PM   #1768
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I don't have answers but when I was on Aripiprazole ages ago I couldn't focus at all. It's a definite side effect. Can you mention it to your CPN next time you see them or someone else?



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Old 20-10-2019, 01:30 PM   #1769
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Yeah, I was like this when I initially started taking it and now my dose has been increased it seems to have worsened. I forgot about what this was like and maybe wouldn't have agreed to an increase if I had remembered. I probably don't even need to be on it. I will talk to my CPN when I see her next but that's not till the 31st.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-10-2019, 03:20 PM   #1770
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What were you prescribed it for? I think it's at least worth having a discussion about it with your CPN to weigh up whether it's worth the side effects for the benefit it may bring.

What plans have you got until the 31st?

In terms of not knowing what a better life would look like, could you describe what is wrong with your current life that contributes towards it feeling not worth living? Maybe if that's easier we could then look for an 'opposite' to each point that might help create a definition of a better life, if that makes any sense!



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It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 20-10-2019, 04:00 PM   #1771
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I was prescribed it to help with the other world stuff which I think it has dampened down. I think the side effects settled after a while on the first dose I was on so I should probably wait and see for a bit.

I need to try and get back to the gym group on Thursdays. I'm seeing my support worker tomorrow and I might be meeting up with my brother at some point.

A better life for me is mostly about my brother being well. I know he is struggling and that hurts me so much. My obsession isn't good for either of us and I know that, and I would possibly like to work on having a healthier relationship with a bit more emotional distance but that's not going to make everything ok for him so it's not really fair. A lot of my worries are about the future and being forced into things that are terrifying and I can't manage, like work. Everyone keeps telling me that I don't need to worry about it right now because no one thinks I'm well enough to work and my benefits aren't being reviewed at the moment. I'm just so worried that the DWP/whoever won't be patient with me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-10-2019, 06:54 PM   #1772
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I'm worried about my CPN and the other CPNs because someone who was their patient killed themselves. This must happen quite a bit. I'm also still worried about the fire people. I'm upset about the hurt in life. I'm sorry for the states some people have seen me in. There is so much stress and trauma.

I am absolutely dreading the evening, I don't know what smaller things I could focus on. This actually feels like torture.

I'm going to have to make it to the gym group this coming week. I'm scared of my new key worker and don't feel like she could support me to get back.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-10-2019, 07:24 PM   #1773
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Your CPN will be part of a team who can support her and will have a supervisor, but you're absolutely right, a patient suicide is hard on a professional. She will be well supported though.

It is no failing of yours if you can't distract all evening. What do you tend to do which helps? Are there any programmes you can put on YouTube, the TV or Netflix to help, even if you can't concentrate on them? Sometimes short programmes like Friends can be good, you don't really need to follow the storyline.

Good luck at the gym group, I seem to remember you saying that the other members enjoy you being there (sorry if I'm mistaken, I also seem to remember you mentioning some are harder to be around) Is this sort of support something you can focus on this week?

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Old 21-10-2019, 02:15 PM   #1774
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Thanks.

I put Most Haunted on for a bit last night while doing a word search which helped a bit but it feels like a waste of time. I usually only watch things on TV that I actually want to watch and try to pay attention to them but those things are really annoying my head right now.

I do like the gym group it's just hard to make it there because it starts at 1pm and I don't know how to occupy myself beforehand or talk myself out of going. I had an appointment with my support worker today at 11.30am but talked myself out of going. Everything is just so difficult at the moment. I couldn't even phone to cancel or answer when she called me or return her call. I feel like a complete failure and like even the small things in life are too much to manage. I don't know how to cope, how to make things feel a bit more ok. I just keep eating, self harming, and hitting my head. Life is overwhelming and I don't even have many external pressures.


Last edited by one_step_closer : 21-10-2019 at 02:20 PM.




I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-10-2019, 03:42 PM   #1775
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I hear you. Sorry things are so bad. Leaving more hugs.



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Old 21-10-2019, 04:40 PM   #1776
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Thank you.

My support worker keeps phoning me. I can't answer. The phone ringing and the voicemails are stressing me out. I can't think of what to do other than maybe email the place where my key worker is from and asking them to pass on a message to the CMHT for me but they'll think I'm using them as my personal secretary or something. I can't push myself to make the call today and I'm worried that maybe they will think something is wrong although they do know I'm rubbish at phone calls.

Why am I such an idiotic, useless adult, and useless human in general?!

My brain is still annoying me to. I can't stand all of this.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-10-2019, 06:10 PM   #1777
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Next time you do get in touch with them could you ask for alternative means of contact? All my providers know to reach me via email or text only since I cannot talk on the phone or listen to voicemail and that helps a lot.

Also if you have a smartphone could you use the voicemail to text option? It might be an app unsure but if listening to them isn't possible maybe reading it would be? I know that is a thing just unsure specifics of how it works.



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Old 21-10-2019, 07:18 PM   #1778
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I have asked my CPN if there are other ways to get in touch but there aren't. They aren't allowed to give out their mobile numbers or email addresses, I think in case people want a quick response in a crisis. My CPN did mention something about working in a different area and a nurse had put her phone on silent and someone called but killed themselves because they didn't get through.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-10-2019, 08:34 PM   #1779
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Hmm. That is really frustrating. Because I'm sure you are not alone with having trouble with phones. Do you have any plans for the evening?



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Old 21-10-2019, 10:42 PM   #1780
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Are you always unable to answer phone calls, or is this a particular spike in anxiety relating to it?

Also, have you ever had any counselling/therapy specifically relating to your relationship with and concerns about your brother?

I'm sorry you've had a difficult day and I hope that this evening has been better.



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It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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