I'm sorry to post again, but I am really, really struggling and I have no-one really to turn to "in real life".
Recently I've had a rubbish couple of months, physically, alongside the usual MH stuff, which I've accepted will never go away. I broke my hand in June, I then got Shingles, my immune system is generally low and I'm just constantly tired.
Things were starting to get better. I was working on a summer playscheme and I absolutely loved it. Then it all went wrong again. I re-broke my hand, a lot more severely, I have to have surgery and am unable to do anything involving more than one hand. The playscheme ended.
This has just completely tipped me over the edge, again. I spend a lot of time feeling generally suicidal, like a background noise but this has become real and scary. I have to be well, I can't not be well, but things aren't right.
I feel like I've lost my identity, people aren't seeing me, it's like I'm just a mess of injury and humour. I'm trying so hard to pretend that I'm okay, that nothing is really "wrong", that I'm just fed up about my hand. It's more than that, though. I can't climb, I can't go to my combat classes, I've lost all of my healthy coping mechanisms and things are slipping so fast.
I am supposed to be starting an MA in a week or so's time, but because of my injury and surgery the university have suggested that I defer for a year. I can't do that. I've spent the last two years getting myself well enough to do the course, it's been my goal, I've been so close and now it feels like everything is being ripped out from under me, because of something stupid, something out of my control. I've quit my job, I've signed a contract on a new house, I've bought a car all for this course. It was meant to be a new start in my life, something fresh, away from it all. I was growing up, moving out and putting the past behind me.
I just can't do that though. Instead I find myself at home alone, my parents have gone away. I've told my friends that I'm away for a couple of days, because I can't face people. I'm back to self harm, I've spent the day eating crap, smoking and then popping sleeping tablets because I can't face being awake and 'healthy'.
I've always had a stockpile of pills, for moments like this. Usually they've just been there for security, for the knowledge that I could, if I wanted to. Now, I have stronger painkillers, I have more stuff to combine them with. I know that there is more than enough to kill me.
I can't get past these thoughts, I've unpopped them all from their packets, the first step to actually taking them. They're stored in the same jar that I took them from when I last attempted suicide. It's all a bit real. To add to it, a girl from my town made the national news at the weekend when she went missing. She was found dead, by suicide the next day. I hate myself for thinking this, but when I was her age, I first considered taking my life in the very same spot, so I think, why did I not do it then? Why, nine years later am I still in exactly the same position? Nothing has really changed. Nothing will ever change. Not unless I have the guts to actually make that step.
I don't doubt that I will die by suicide, at some point. I think that I might have reached that point. Everything, everywhere seems to be pointing me to it as the answer. I'm not okay and I have nothing now for my future. I don't think I'm being irrational or impulsive, I think that now might be the time.
I'm sorry for the ramble, but I think I just need to talk this one out. Thanks.
Last edited by what_the? : 30-08-2012 at 09:52 AM.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
i think that you should talk to the uni and explain that while you understand their perspective, you still want to begin school. you've made all the plans... now you've just got to make some adaptions as to how you're going to manage with your hand. for example, if you can't take notes, could someone in the class share with you. and for your writing assignments, perhaps you could dictate them, or have extended time to make up for slow handwriting/typing...
things are ALWAYS changing. 9 years have past. yeah, some things may have stayed the same, but there have got to be many different things. can you try to think of some? how about some positive ones too? seriously, all the things you've said about planning for uni should go on that positive list. life is never going to be perfect, or fair. thats not how it is. if you expect that, you'll always be disappointed. but you have alot going for you here. focus on those things.
was telling your friends that you were away a positive or negative choice? sometimes we don't want to face people, but we have to if by avoiding them we allow ourselves to wallow and engage in negative behaviors...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I have spoken to the uni. Time and time again. They can only do a limited amount, I have got a dictaphone and will be able to photocopy my flatmate's notes, but that's apparently not enough. Plus my surgery date is in the first week of term and there are deadlines and placement etc. They keep telling me how difficult it will be for me, I don't care about that. I know I could do it, but they're taking away my opportunity and that is so difficult. Another sign that I should just give up.
I don't want life to be perfect, I'm not so naieve as to believe that it could be, but the negatives outweigh the positives. I've made list after list good things, bad things, reasons to/not to kill myself and honestly, every time it comes out as I should kill myself.
I know telling my friends I'm away was a negative choice, but I can't honestly compose myself to see anyone in real life. I can't cope.
I feel lower than I even thought was possible. I'm using up so much energy just trying to keep myself from killing myself. It's exhausting. It's not worth it. Whatever I do, and however hard I try I will always be knocked back and told how worthless I am.
I can't cope with this. I'm sure it would be better if I wasn't in so much pain, but nothing's even touching that.
I'm sorry. I just can't see a way past this.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
Oh lovely. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. It isn't fair and you don't deserve it. You have worked so hard and you HAVE achieved so much, and I really do believe that you can get through this and go on to do the things you want to do.
If you do have to take the year out and start the course next year, could you use it as an opportunity to try and get some help, get yourself to a place where you're feeling better physically *and* emotionally and not having to pretend?
Please if you can't keep yourself safe then reach out and tell someone. I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to say, but I wanted to let you know that I've read and I'm here. I will try to come back if I ever think of anything useful to add. Sending lots of love and *hugs*.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Thank you. It just feels like whatever I have achieved is worthless, because ultimately it's not got me anywhere. It's like my whole reason for recovering, which I have tried to do properly and seriously, has been taken away. If they don't let me start I don't know what I'll do. I'll have to stay at home for another year, I don't know what happens with my rent in Manchester, I'll have to find another job, because I've quit a stable role in a job that I really enjoyed and was told I was doing well at.
I don't know, I'm not okay. I have to see the psych team today because last night didn't go fantastically and I'm just not coping. I'm struggling with being awake, because everything just hurts and I feel so low.
I just feel like I'm back at square one. Working for stuff just seems so pointless and I feel like I'm being accused of causing or faking my physical illness and that's just so draining when I didn't break my own hand and I have no idea how I caught shingles. I feel like all of this is dragging me back four years to when I was doing stupid things, and I was making myself physically ill.
I can't escape my past, so I just feel like I have nothing else to define my future. That sounds really pathetic, but I'm so far from okay that it's actually laughable.
Thanks for reading.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
No, the course is a September start only. I think the UK system is different to the US one in that respect.
I'm hoping that it won't come to this. I really am, but it doesn't seem like it. I know this is pathetic and self absorbed, but it just makes me feel like it could only happen to me, like something or someone is out to get me.
I am just really struggling, I'm bored of having to answer questions about my scars, I'm terrified that my surgeon will realise that I'm cutting again and not do the surgery. I'm triggered by the pain. I know there's so much I have and that I should be grateful, but I'm really not in a place where that is of any help. I just can't do this.
Sorry.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
When my Mum had a stroke and broke her arm at the same time, the arm she writes with, she taught herself to write again, and using her 'wrong' hand.
You can also get software that you talk at the computer, and it types the words. If you can get some kind of benefit/allowance, that might allow for something like that.
You may have already explored those ideas, and they don't work, but I was just thinking.
I really appreciate the suggestions. I can borrow voice recognition software and all sorts of other adaptive technology whilst my hand heals, due to mine and my mum's work we get sent all sorts of things to test.
From my side, the hand thing is overcome-able, it's just that the uni are concerned, particularly due to the nature of my placement and the extent of the injury (the fact that my hand seems to be breaking at every given opportunity at the moment).
If I'm honest, though it's not uni that's the problem. It's the fact that I'm not coping with anything. Yes, I'm terrified that I won't have a purpose for next year, but the main problem is that all my healthy coping mechanisms have been taken away. I've worked really hard on developing safer ways of managing my emotions, I go to body combat and exercise classes, I ring my friends and we go climbing, but I can't do any of those things at the moment. I'm not physically able. I tried to climb the day after I did it, before I got my pot on, and I'm just not good enough to manage one handed.
It's just like I have nothing "healthy" or "sensible" to do. I'm out of options. I just need to hurt myself over and over, to distract myself with a different kind of pain. I am truly exhausted with the effort of just staying alive and more and more I'm losing sight of anything positive.
Sorry, this is all melodramatic and ridiculous, but I'm just feeling completely out of options.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
If you feel able to do the course physically, would your doctor be able to write to your uni telling them you are able to do the course? Obviously the issue with that is, he may feel it might put too much strain on your hand, but maybe if you explained that you are not too worried he could write and say it should be healed by X and that might give you some back up in the wanting to start.
Were the psych team any help when you spoke to them?
Alternatively, maybe a year to physically and mentally recover/recoperate could be a positive thing? I really feel for you because all your plans have changed and it is out of your control, but perhaps if going to do the MA isn't possible, you could spend time tapping into agencies, getting some good support and you may feel much stronger in a year. I know its not ideal but maybe its worth considering.
xx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
I can understand the feeling of 'being back to square one' but, like you have said, you can't do your 'healthy coping mechanisms' so the negative ones are the next port of call because thats your learned behaviour and tbh I think that anyone in this situation would go back to negative ones- I haven't hurt myself in a long long time but I know for sure if I couldn't deal with how I was feeling healthily, I'd return. It is really quite natural (I hope that isn't invalidating'?) but I am sure that doesn't make it any less painful.
I know that you find exercise helpful and I wonder if walking with friends would be helpful, can you hill walk/power walk? I am sure your friends completely understand about the not being able to climb/do combat and could prehaps do this with you instead? I know it isn't the same, but, sometimes a power walk helps me a little.
My other suggestion is, if uni make you defer the year can you move anyway? like you said, you've got a place to live and things? Maybe you could find a similar job or some other work experience for your MA there and gain more experience before you pick it up next year?
If not moving, could you explain your situation to your last employer? It is quiet possible that you could go back, especially if they like you.
Don't downgrade how much you've achieved Claire because you HAVE worked damn hard to recover, you've done damn well, even if lots of it is pretending and having to be well...you've been managing.
Your achievements haven't become worthless AT ALL! I remember doing a 'relapse prevention plan' with my psychologist before I got discharged and one of the things that cause relapse is repeat illness and injury. It is shit, it does get you down and I can imagine it is seriously hard to deal with but, this doesn't make any achievements any less important or worth it.
I don't think you should kill yourself, I don't think any of this means you are supposed to or destined to kill yourself and I think your stronger than suicide in all honesty! I can understand the pain and the darkness I can but, I think your better than this and I hope some healthy coping mechanisms come soon and you start to feel better. Are you getting any regular medical help at the moment re low immune system?
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
hugs sorry you feel this way, it definitely sounds like your at crisis point. if you fear for your safety go straight to your nearest a+e/emergency room and ask to speak the on call psych and get help you need. They may admit you to the ward for protection for a few days, but this would be in your best interests. if not ring Sams, crisis team and whoever you have. but my advice get help.
as for universities instead of defering a year why don't you ask for extra time and if you can type, then use a laptop in lectures etc. good luck
Thank you.
The psych team weren't massively helpful, but I didn't expect them to be, so that might have been part of the problem.
Leigh, thanks for your reply, it wasn't invalidating at all, it's good to hear that what I'm feeling is normal and that how I'm acting isn't completely unreasonable. It kind of puts it into perspective. I am in and out of hospital appointments all the time at the moment, so I'm having various tests to see what's going on and if there's something that I can do to get me back to being properly healthy, especially with my surgery. I guess there's not really time to be freaking out and seriously hurting myself.
Thanks for the suggestions about uni, I'm back at the hospital later on to get my firm dates for things, so I'm hoping that the doctors will approve me as fit to practice, which means that the uni will more or less have to take me. I've worked and studied with broken bones before, so I know I can do it. I know it'll be tough, but it is doable.
Angeldevil, thank you for your response, I don't think I'm so in danger as to need to be admitted, and I swore to myself that I'd never end up in hospital again. I'm pretty much attending appointments all the time, so I do have support, it's just not helping.
I guess that overall I worry that if something as (relatively) small as this I'm not coping too well then how the hell will I cope when I qualify and someone freaks out on me.
I'm scared of surgery and when I'm scared I hurt myself. It's just been a long time since I felt this low, I think because for a long time I've had healthier ways of coping and now I have nothing but SI and OD.
Last edited by what_the? : 01-09-2012 at 09:37 AM.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
I really hope things improve for you soon hugs to you.
remember if you need us please reply back and give us updates. but please do not do anything drastic
i'm glad that you can identify why you want to harm. fear. now, in the past fear has meant that you harm yourself... you need to find something different to cope with that feeling. you were able to do that before, when you found the martial arts and such. you can do it again. it is something that you'd need to do anyways because everyone gets laid up physically sometimes....
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I guess I just feel that knowing why is very little consolation because I still feel completely unable to control it at the moment. I'm really not fantastic at not being able to do stuff, because it leads to me feeling super left out and unwanted (BPD issues much?!) My friends have been really great, particularly my climbing friends who've been trying to set me one-handed routes, but it's just really tough.
I guess I'm not doing fantastically, I'm really struggling with the need to OD, and I just keep being reminded of how pathetic I am, and I'm generally feeling really useless.
Sorry.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
Thank you for your reply and your concern, but I really don't need the hospital at the moment. It's a really tough, really shit process but PassedExpectations is right, I need to learn to deal with this healthily, or at least more healthily than I am doing and going to hospital just removes my responsibility for getting better, I can't rely on other people to keep me safe because the world simply doesn't work like that.
I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow, so I'm hoping it will be a step forward and that they're not going to tell me stuff I don't want to hear.
Thanks again, though.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
Claire, I think the fact that you had these healthy coping mechanisms (the climbing and combat classes) is a really good sign. Yes, you have lost them, but that doesn't mean you can't find others until your hand is better. Is there another class you could do? Painting maybe? I know it sounds sort of lame, but it would fill your time, and not make you feel like you're stuck doing nothing. Maybe you could see your climbing friends in a not-climbing context. Go for walks together so it's still physical activity.
As for the university issue, it's so admirable how much you want to do the MA. I think it's so positive and shows you have things to live for, even if you think you don't. I hope the hospital will give you the clearance you need. Then, once the course starts, you'll have something to focus your energy on.
