Every time it gets better... it seems to get worse!

[naominoodle]

Every time I seem to think I'm on top of things SH seems to come up and bite me right where it hurts.

I suppose I have a few questions, I don't really know who there aimed at to be honest... God? Myself? Those with more experience than me?

Why am I like this, why is that I can't lead a normal life without SH hanging over my head like some sort of punishment. Although I have been clean now for exactly 26 days it's almost worse then it was when I was doing it every week...
There was one point in my life when I prayed every night that I wouldn't wake up, that night never came and here I am. If I'm honest I'm a little lost, I don't know how I'm supposed to go through life if SH is always going to follow me?

Having completing a law degree against all the odds and still coming out with a 2:1 I have received a letter offering me my fist job in a law firm... And it suddenly loomed on me that this is it anything which I chose to do from this point on will have consequences, I'll be dealing with legal matters which will require me to be fully focussed ALL of the time!!!

I'm not too sure that I can do it... I'm not too sure whether I want to and yet again SH is holding me back from doing things which I really want to do and so the question I pose is this.

Why have we all become what we are? Everyone on this site has problems in some shape or form some with a background of abuse, neglect, loss, poverty some like me who really have no distinct reason to be unhappy, to cut and slice away at our soles every time that we feel down... why us?

I am not particularly religious, I guess I believe in some shape or form that there is someone up there who maybe looks out for us and decides the fate of people but in terms of Church going I can't say that I go or know what's in the bible but I often wonder why or who allowed for people to be so unhappy, to live their live in the shadow of something so cruel?

I hope that at some point in my life I can think about SH and feel no connection to it but if I'm honest I still regard it as my closest friend and my worst enemy! How will I ever get past this if I'm never going to be willing to let it go!?

[xxhappydaysxx]

Hey,

Im sorry youre having such a hard time with regards to urges to SH.

Well done for your amazing law degree and a job offer, they are not easy to come by these days and to have done that while youre struggling is something you should pride yourself on !

Youve got your degree now, and it wont go anywhere, so it wouldnt hurt to maybe take 6 months out, maybe have some counselling to work through some of the questions? Then maybe you would feel things had become emptied from your head a bit, you could put some stratgeies in place and be able to focus more on your law work. If you need to work maybe take a less hours job doing something, to earn money while working through. A degree is imtense, maybe some "down time" before going straight into a job would be good?

Hope this gives you something to think about, take care. x

[PassedExpectations]

before you start the job, if you decide to take it, you might be able to make it clear that you will take a certain amount of time to yourself. build it into your schedule from the beginning, don't try to add it in as an afterthought...

it is more difficult when trying to stop harming. the tension will build up, but eventually it will dissipate. it is like riding out a wave. what things could you do instead of harming to release that tension and urge?

please don't let SH hold you back from doing things that you want to do. that is giving it WAY more power than it deserves. that is letting it define you in a way. the more you can define yourself apart from self harm, the easier it generally is to stop harming.

i don't know why we are this way. but everyone is some "way". whether it is physical disease, chronic illness, bad family situation, poverty... everyone has something that they struggle with. this is just what we ended up with. it is only important to understand why if it leads you to move forwards and get better.