Contains sexual abuse - Lost and confused

[Uglyducklin]

I hurt . I feel I'm slipping but if I admit this I'm scared I will be told it's not that bad. I'm fat I hate myself I wish the feelings would stop I'm sorry x

[LittleCloud]

*gentle hugs* it's hard when it hurts so much. Is there any way you can find to get through the feelings? Anything at all that helps. Sometimes music and my animals can be such a blessing for those things

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks it means so much. Gate my fat body I'm falling to pieces.

[Uglyducklin]

I hate myself I'm so pathetic I feel so "in it" but I'm aware of my surroundings so may be I'm not. It just feel it's happening again and again. Images flashing in front of my eyes, the feeling of hands around my throat , the weight of their bodies, their faces fading in and out. I'm terrified I'm falling I need to control my body but I failed I'm a fat dirty screw up. The noise too like a roaring screaming in my head. Silence feels deafening. I'm sorry I shouldn't post I just feel lost. Please help.

[Uglyducklin]

I feel so fat pathetic and vile. I know it's pathetic but I wish someone could hold me while I fell apart. Please make the memories end.

[Uglyducklin]

Fat and dirty. Panic rising in my chest. My words are trapped in my head. I don't deserve help. I'm fat and expanding x

[Chia.]

You do deserve help.
You had no control over what happened to you, abuse is about power and those people took advantage of you.
Have you got someone to talk to right now? Do you know of the different helplines you can talk to?

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks chia this means so much. I feel fat and ashamed. I can't get the images out of my head x

[Uglyducklin]

I'm sorry I don't deserve to post. I feel violated I'm fat and dirty and fat. I'm tainted and polluted by food. I eat for my mum but it's destroying me. Abruptly I can't cope I don't know what's wrong with me. I cannot stand the fat and the violence in my head. I wish there was nothing left of me.

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* you do deserve to post here. You're not fat and dirty- just hurting. I know what it's like eating for someone else and feeling it goes against everything, but you need to keep strong. Always here if you need

[Uglyducklin]

Hate my fat and my body. I can't bring myself to imagine what would be different. I feel so lost and child like. Sorry I'm making no sense.

[Uglyducklin]

How do I find the words? I don't trust my abuse therapist. Like all of the professionals she is disappointed. I'm not working hard enough I blame myself I can't let go I'm too numb or too emotional. Everything is mashed together but I meant to speak about one thing. I want to tear the fat off I need to kill my body. My fat is too much. I have to say it but I'm scared absolutely terrified. I want to say it I don't want to be alone with it anymore. I cannot find the words for that experience. I trust my eating disorder nurse more but even she was stalling talking about other things so I couldn't finish what I needed to say. I just want my body back. I'm sorry.