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Old 05-01-2018, 03:25 PM   #1
CaptainB2
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I'm sorry...

I've been on this site for over a decade and I want to thank you all. It's no exaggeration that this site has saved my life numerous times. I want you all to know that I appreciate you all and need your help yet again.

At this point, I feel the need to end my life for good. I've lived for 30 years now with nothing to show for it. I've hated my day to day life for quite some time. I've been depressed for 16 years. What little I had going for me in life blew up in my face about 20 minutes ago. My car has been destroyed which now means I'll lose my job. This, on top of already being broke, alone, anxious, angry, and depressed. I'm already so unhealthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. Therapy has failed me multiple times. This is simply the last straw. I feel I don't belong in this world. I'm ready for the pain to stop. I'm ready to stop being a burden to the rest of the world.

If I were to die, I'd need someone to care for my adorable mutt "Rebel" when I'm gone. He's pretty much my best friend in the world and a big reason why I didn't die years ago.

For now, I just want to apologize to my family.
I'm sorry. I cannot say those two words enough. I'm sorry that I'm such a burden to you guys. I'm sorry that I've accomplished nothing in 30 years and given you nothing to be proud of. I'm sorry that I want to die. I'm sorry the thought of not existing anymore brings me comfort. I'm sorry it has to be like this. I'm sorry I failed at life.

If I were to kill myself, I feel once the initial shock of my death is over, people would realize I actually did the right thing and that I was holding so many people back while alive. The world would be better without me in it. I'd actually feel a bit of warmth and relief knowing this pain could all be over soon.

I'm sorry!

If only living were as easy as dying..


I need a higher paying job. I need a girlfriend. I need a car. I need to feel that my life has some meaning. I need to feel happy on a consistent basis without the aid of marijuana. I need to feel that I'm making a difference in the world. I simply want to feel good. I have simple request and simple desires I'm really not asking for much here. I need to be less of a failure or at least have some kind of assurance that things will get better. Simply put I need to feel that living is more comforting than dying right now dying feels like the bigger comfort and the better option.


Last edited by Aubergine : 08-01-2018 at 11:35 PM. Reason: Please see PM.



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 05-01-2018, 03:29 PM   #2
CaptainB2
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That's just the tip of the iceberg. Like I said, I've been alive for 30 years with nothing to show for it.




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 05-01-2018, 04:01 PM   #3
one_step_closer
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What do you realistically want? Dying often seems more comforting than living because life brings difficulties and dying brings nothing (depending on what you believe). Choosing to die is a big step, going through with it is an even bigger step and it may go wrong and leave you alive but with further problems. I know that life hurts but I hope you can find ways to make it less painful. Is there anyone you trust to talk to?


Last edited by Aubergine : 08-01-2018 at 07:11 PM. Reason: Removed reference to deleted material.




I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-01-2018, 04:10 PM   #4
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The differences you make in the world might not seem significant to you, but the simple things can mean the most to the people around you. Walk around your neighborhood and offer kindness to strangers, smile and have a small conversation. You never know, you could be the best part of their day. You could be the thing that kept them around another day. There have been plenty of people that saved my life and they'll never know.

I know you say therapy doesn't help much, could that be that you haven't had a proper therapist connection? I know sometimes it's a trial and error and as difficult as that may be, maybe you could give a different person a try.

How are you with routines? Maybe you could take one walk daily. Try to get in the habit of possibly meal planning for yourself on the weekends. For me personally, this was a great way to start getting my body healthy. Physical and mental health do go hand in hand.

I'm sorry to tell you that you will not see any significant changes over night. And it's going to take awhile to get yourself where you want to be, but small steps are the way to get you there. Rebel would miss you terribly, and he gives your life meaning as of right now. I wish you the best Captain, reach out any time.

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Old 05-01-2018, 04:44 PM   #5
CaptainB2
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Let me make one thing perfectly clear, I am NOT going back to therapy. Therapy has done nothing for me in the past but drain my wallet and make my life worse. I've had nothing but bad experiences with therapists and at this point you couldn't PAY me to go back to therapy much less have me pay money (that I don't have) to someone else.

Sorry to sound harsh but that's just the way it is. Therapy is not an option for me.


Last edited by Aubergine : 08-01-2018 at 07:11 PM. Reason: Please see PM.



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 05-01-2018, 04:50 PM   #6
CaptainB2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
What do you realistically want? Dying often seems more comforting than living because life brings difficulties and dying brings nothing (depending on what you believe). Choosing to die is a big step, going through with it is an even bigger step and it may go wrong and leave you alive but with further problems. I know that life hurts but I hope you can find ways to make it less painful. Is there anyone you trust to talk to?
To answer your first couple questions. I'll settle for the measurable things I mentioned, the car, a girlfriend, and a better job. If that happens, all the other things will fall into place. That will lead to the immeasurable things like happiness and meaning. That will be a step in the right direction of where I want to be and will give me hope.


Last edited by CaptainB2 : 10-01-2018 at 06:53 AM. Reason: Please see PM.



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 05-01-2018, 07:08 PM   #7
one_step_closer
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It might be hard to find a way to know for sure whether those things will be in your future or not. Can you start taking small steps like maybe enhancing your CV, joining a dating site, look for ways to save money for a car...things like that?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-01-2018, 07:19 PM   #8
CaptainB2
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To specify, I HAD a car but it died. Since I work as a delivery driver, I will likely lose my job in the next 24 hours. That set off my original post on this thread. I am so ready for this pain to end.


Last edited by Aubergine : 08-01-2018 at 07:13 PM. Reason: Please see PM.



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 06-01-2018, 12:25 PM   #9
one_step_closer
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Is there no way your car can be repaired or can you get a cheap but hopefully reliable car? I can see that things are really stressful and painful for you at the minute but things are always changing. I do understand where you're coming from. Do you think you could try to keep putting suicide off? I know life can be very difficult, I really hope things start to improve for you.


Last edited by Aubergine : 08-01-2018 at 07:14 PM. Reason: Removed reference to deleted material.




I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-01-2018, 02:34 PM   #10
CaptainB2
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I thought some of you might be interested to know that I am getting a second opinion as to whether my car's engine is truly destroyed beyond repair or not. In the meantime, I did get a rental car which should at least allow me to keep my current job (even though I absolutely despise the job, I need the money).
So, that is a small step in the right direction.


Last edited by Aubergine : 08-01-2018 at 07:14 PM. Reason: Please see PM.



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 06-01-2018, 05:07 PM   #11
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Don't be sorry at all. It is hard to stay positive in life when things are going bad.

I heard a phrase once that is 'if you think positive, positive things will happen to you, & it does work'



I think therefore I ambient.

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Old 06-01-2018, 05:30 PM   #12
one_step_closer
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Small steps count and add up. Please hold on to every step you take. Everything isn't going to fall into place at once, you can only keep trying.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-01-2018, 04:52 PM   #13
CaptainB2
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And my car is officially dead. I wish it was me instead.


Last edited by CaptainB2 : 08-01-2018 at 11:24 PM. Reason: Please see PM.



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 08-01-2018, 06:02 PM   #14
one_step_closer
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Is there anything we or anyone can do to support you? It's hard to be positive when you feel like everything is against you so I think that no matter what people say externally you are going to interpret things in relation to the way you're feeling. What's your next steps to improving things?


Last edited by Aubergine : 08-01-2018 at 07:15 PM. Reason: Removed reference to deleted material.




I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 09-01-2018, 01:02 AM   #15
Aubergine
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Hey.


How're you doing today?



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 09-01-2018, 01:34 AM   #16
CaptainB2
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It's been rough honestly. I'm really hating where I'm at in life right now. I wake up everyday not liking what I'm doing. I constantly feel like a complete failure and disappointment. The biggest problem is that I'm not even sure what it is I DO want to do or what would make me feel happy and less like a failure.




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 09-01-2018, 02:08 PM   #17
Aubergine
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Are you job hunting at the moment? I really don't know how employers advertise jobs in the US, but could you have a browse of some places that they might be and see if there's anything you fancy doing? It's OK to not know what you want to do, though I do understand that it can be frustrating.


You're not a failure. You're still alive, and that's important. I know it's hard. I do. However, I also know that things can and do improve given the chance. I believe that for everyone. Do you have any hobbies? Play an instrument? Enjoy a sport? Read? Listen to music that you like? I think it's often about finding things in life that really engage you, whatever that may be. Doesn't have to be your job. It's nice to have a job that you enjoy, but it is OK for it to be a means to an end if you can make your life fulfilling outside of work.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 10-01-2018, 04:05 AM   #18
CaptainB2
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Terrible day today. Not to sound repetitive but I HATE my daily life. I also think I'm genuinely starting to hate who I am as a person.

Death is seeming more and more comforting each day.


Last edited by CaptainB2 : 10-01-2018 at 06:54 AM.



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 10-01-2018, 06:17 PM   #19
one_step_closer
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I'm sorry you're still struggling. What do you think death is like? It's hard to be certain that it would be any better than life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-01-2018, 10:29 PM   #20
CaptainB2
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I honestly don't even know at this point. I don't even have life
figured out let alone death. I just look at it as a way to end the pain for good.




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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