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Old 31-01-2009, 02:06 AM   #1
riley.
 
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Triggering (SI/Suicide) - 0-Awful in 60 seconds.

not a car.
more like how long and fast it takes for things to go from relatively bad and on the edge of trying not to slip to desperate, in the ****, scared, and having to pull out every stop not to let go of 2 months free.

today,

done.


Last edited by riley. : 04-02-2009 at 03:29 AM.
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Old 31-01-2009, 02:11 AM   #2
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I am not really sure what to say Becci *offers hugs*. I know how hard it is to deal with huge shifts with no noticeable positive. Is there anything you can figure which triggered this? Is there anyone who can be with you? Please take care and try not to give up. Sorry for the useless reply x





*Proud Plumeria Sister*







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Old 31-01-2009, 07:16 AM   #3
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Becci, I hope you're okay. You are awesome and amazing and lovely.

You know where to find me. xxx

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Old 02-02-2009, 12:10 AM   #4
ravynsoul
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how are you doing today, becci?

*offers hugs*



Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams




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Old 03-02-2009, 12:37 AM   #5
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its amazing how quickly things can turn to **** sometimes. really is
suppose its a little better knowing its not my fault and actually believing it for once... but ye

sometimes lack of SI is really hard to endure... i'm such a wuss, its only been 2 months, i just don't feel i can cope without it sometimes.

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Old 03-02-2009, 01:43 AM   #6
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[epic fail.]

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Old 03-02-2009, 11:16 AM   #7
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love you lil sis. xxx

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Old 03-02-2009, 04:58 PM   #8
Yellow
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*gentle squishes*
i love you becci.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx





A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.

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Old 03-02-2009, 10:10 PM   #9
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*cuddles becci*



Thank you for letting me stay here
Thank you for taking me in

-Gratitude, Ani DiFranco

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Old 03-02-2009, 11:53 PM   #10
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so damn low-**** it

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Old 04-02-2009, 12:30 AM   #11
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Just *hugs* hun, so sorry have nothing more to give. I am reading your posts though and thinking of you. Please take care!



"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13

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Old 04-02-2009, 02:14 AM   #12
ravynsoul
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*hugs you lot* I don't have much to offer; but I'm thinking of you.

BTW, love you signature



Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams




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Old 04-02-2009, 03:11 AM   #13
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thanks for your thoughts.
I guess living through two decades of crap will eventually get you down. Time was I could be clever and witty about my problems. Now I’m just dull and stupid. The lure of being the constant outsider fades into the reality of alienating yourself from everyone and everything. Hiding your problems for so long means that most people you know hardly know you at all.

I don't know - lately i'm feeling like it was a stupid thing to go cold turkey with the meds- after all there was obviously a reason that i was on such high doses of things. have been avoiding the psychiatrist for 2 months now... the only two months i've ever been able to avoid self injury; but somehow it feels as though maybe the lack of meds is self injury in itself- maybe thats how i'm doing it

I’ve given up smoking for seven weeks now and bar one day of them, I’ve not consumed any nicotine at all. I’ve noticed the occasional random urge to smoke, but nothing very strong. And yet, I don’t feel at all proud of having given up. It’s not as if it was difficult- smoking for me has only ever been another form of self injury. And it seems like another step backwards. I liked smoking as part of a don’t-give-a-**** attitude, which was childish, but all I really had in that light . And yeah, I’m happy that my flat doesn’t smell of cigarettes now and it’s not as if I can afford to smoke either, but giving up smoking, as well as having gained these positive things, also means having given up on a part of me that I valued, even as it was meaning less and less.
I can’t tell if that makes much sense. I feel so stupid these days.

same with the 2 months. it should have seemed like a huge achievement. people congratulated me, telling me its a great amazing thing.
Amazing that out of the last 216 months, 2 of them have been 'free'....
ironically i feel more trapped this way.

depriving myself of the only coping mechanism i have. and of medication. and with it nicotine, caffeine...junk food ( i comfort eat traditionally); thinking about it, although it all seems positive on face value, i wonder often if it is all just another way to push myself under.

i know for sure that i shouldn't be without some of my meds right now. at the same time, the thought of starting them again petrifies me

im generally feeling very pathetic at the moment, but i'm silently slipping. i'm putting up a huge front, which even i believe some of the time- but at night, when all is quiet...the truth is there.

then again...quiet it would be. Being suicidal is generally a quiet thing. Sure, some people get suicidal in loud and public ways, but generally, feeling like you want to kill yourself is the kind of thing you do while cowering behind a closed door. It’s the long nights of silent desperation, staring at the ceiling while you die a hundred times behind your eyelids. And yeah, hurting yourself isn’t a nice thing to do and it sucks to do it and hide it and feel ashamed about it afterwards...but_______________________
there is Always a but

sleep is like a distant friend again. partially my fault, even with the meds i only ever got about 5 hours max... now... well. what hope have i got but for a few minutes here and there when body and mind are both so exhausted they have but no choice.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : shame
I don’t really know how to feel about last night with its drinking and cutting. I feel more ashamed about the drink than the cuts. I should have thrown that bottle out or given it away; All started off as something to enjoy but it never really stops there. I know I can’t trust myself to treat alcohol in a responsible way when I’m alone, but I kept hold of it anyway. So yeah, I’m ashamed that I once again, showing a complete inability to learn, drank way too much by myself.The cutting doesn’t make me as ashamed, but it does make me sad. And feeling too pathetic to acknowledge it there is no way its going to get seen to, even though i know in my heart that it'd be better that way.


and all the while...i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to make people i love worry about me. i show them a smile and make everything ok ....but in reality...well ye
[/hide]


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Old 05-02-2009, 01:33 AM   #14
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psych in a few hours- been avoiding it for 2 months. hmm
not looking forward to it at all

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Old 06-02-2009, 07:57 PM   #15
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Didn't go. Was supposed to. Was, well ready ish, but didn't go. Not deliberate, at least not a conscious decision. Just one of those things i guess. Bound to get yet another angry letter. Apathy? Maybe thats it. Guess they should be used to that by now. Fail. On the plus side endeavored in my own therapy by seeing ween n erin, always good for smiles cuddles and love. Just wish i wasn't such a let down. Heh

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Old 06-02-2009, 10:55 PM   #16
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You are NOT a let down.

We love you xxxx

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