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Old 17-09-2008, 05:39 PM   #1
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child state forefront - what do I do?

I should know the answer to this. But.

Basically, we're working on really tender and delicate feelings in therapy.

I'm starting to really fully feel the disappointment and sense of loss from not being 'met' emotionally right from when I was very small.

This is more attachment trauma and emotional neglect based, than abuse, though there are threads.

These feelings go so deep. I'm really sensitive to triggers/reminders. It goes really deep.

I feel disjointed and unsteady. I discovered about an hour ago that it helps if I talk to myself - to this child state - in a reassuring and gentle, kind way, talk her through what I'm doing., it helps We did some kriss kross puzzles together, and she's sitting beside me now.

I'm scared.
When my flatmates come home, I can't talk to myself out loud.
I don't know what to do.
I need to listen to my child state. And I do have therapy again tomorrow morning... But between now and then... what? Please....

She feels so so sad, it hurts to connect with her, even as a nurturing mother figure. She needs someone else to hold her, to be physically there. But that's not possible.

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Old 17-09-2008, 10:38 PM   #2
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Hi

Maybe you could write to her or go somewhere quiet where your flatmates wont hear you maybe?
I hope shes ok, im sure she appreciates you helping her.

I did a little bit of this when i had counselling, and i found it really helped altho the little girl was scared to talk. I found it was nice to just lay in bed and let her open up that way i was definitely alone and it was nice and relaxing. I hope you cope ok. Sorry i dont have much useful advice but i think its really good you can do this.



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Old 18-09-2008, 12:59 AM   #3
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As someone with child alters... sometimes the talking only has to be in your head, and not out loud. And colouring in books are always a hit. Or bake cookies/mini cakes and decorate them. Something calm, quiet, and bonding.

Disney-type movies are also wonderful. I currently have high school musical playing over and over in my head :P Fortunatly it's not annoying yet.



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Old 18-09-2008, 03:50 AM   #4
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Tell her you're playing a game passing notes while people are there, or she needs to tell you things through drawing pictures, and you can write/draw to yourself and communicate within the selves that way. Think it might work? And maybe hug a teddy a few times and say the teddy is going to give her some of your hugs, something like that. Hope this helped a bit *hugs*

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Old 18-09-2008, 07:09 AM   #5
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Thank you.
She faded into the background again last night.
But I'll hold onto those ideas for next time.

I think she also needs to know I'm not frightened of her [even though I am...] or at least will do my best not to be.
She's frightened too..

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Old 19-09-2008, 03:17 AM   #6
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My child alter and I talk mostly to each other within the confines of my head, but occasionally we'll write to each other in my journal or she'll color pictures for me to explain how she's feeling. We have a princess book just for the two of us. She knows that other people may not understand her and I, so we found what works for us. Mainly, you just need to find something that can be personaly to the two of you and can keep you connected. A friend of mine touches a certain point near her wrist to reassure her alter that she's thinking of her and to keep the alter calm, so there's something else you can talk to her about. *safe, gentle hugs* Best wishes

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Old 19-09-2008, 07:04 AM   #7
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Thanks, that's really helpful. :)

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Old 20-09-2008, 04:18 AM   #8
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You're welcome, and good luck Katie *safe snuggles* =] I'm here if you need to talk.

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Old 20-09-2008, 07:16 AM   #9
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Thanks. :)

I understand more clearly now how my 'default' state when I feel insecure or rejected is a 5 year old child - because that was the age at which I 'froze' when dad first threatened to send me away. And when I stood by helpless as mum packed my things in a bag. She even went along with him. She didn't protect me. The fact that I didn't actually get sent away is by the by - the threat, the feeling unwantable and unloveable is a deep wound, a deep emotional trauma. It's pretty core to my pain.

It's... a matter of containing this, remembering that I am no longer at the mercy of an untreated mentally ill and traumatised father. *Gulp* Why is that so hard?

The trigger right now is work insecurities. Being sent to another library whilst ours is refurbished. I know it's not the same as being sent away from home at 5 years old, but 5 year old Katie frozen in my psyche doesn't know that...

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Old 20-09-2008, 02:24 PM   #10
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These understandings have really stirred and loosened things up inside for me emotionally - and I'm feeling that physically. Like it's taken off a rigid strait-jacket [dad threatened to have me put in a strait jacket] from around me. That's disorientating, and I feel dizzy, panicky, and very tired and sleepy. And scared.

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Old 20-09-2008, 07:08 PM   #11
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i have little ones as well we have teddys and cuddle toys for them and we let them post on line
have color in books and story books
they love to make things and listen to music just for there age
and some times even let them dress up in your clothes as that is a fun thing for them to do

if you need them to be a little quite something like a story on cd can help or cartoons that they like our little girls love Disney princess
they can even look on line for games that would be fun for them to do
i can give you some link for things for little ones can do
one of them is CBBC it has a radio program for little ones that our littles love

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/

if you need anything please pm me am around most of the time



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Old 20-09-2008, 07:09 PM   #12
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Thanks.

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Old 20-09-2008, 10:22 PM   #13
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Have you tried explaining to 5yo Katie what's going to happen to you in more positive terms?

Instead of saying you're going to be sent away to another library, you're going to explore another library and help them there, whilst your library is improved? You're not being sent away, you're going on an adventure.

Sometimes, the way I phrase something affects how different parts respond to it.



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Old 21-09-2008, 09:27 AM   #14
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That could help, thanks Rhi.

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