Contains abuse - Survivors of Female Abusers Support Thread

[troubleshooter]

This is a support thread for people who have been abused by girls or women. That includes physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, and abusers including mothers, aunts, sisters, friends, girlfriends, etc.

All too often people assume those that abusers are male, especially in the case of sexual abuse. However, that is not so. Too many people in these situations face questions like "Who was HE?" or "She's just a girl/woman, you should be able to fight back." and in the case of a family member "She wouldn't ever do that!" Stereotypes of women being kind, loving nurturers are not always true. Here there won't be any shame or shock in your being hurt by a woman. We know that they can be just as violent and cruel as men.

Feel free to share any stories, memories, problems and ask for advice.

*hugs for all*

[DestroyMe]

first to post..um..I've had alot of "experiance" I guess you could say with being abused by women, well, girlfriends, hte first g/f I had that abused me it was emotional abuse, she played mind games with my head and told me that she was only using me and such.
most recently, two years ago I was in a bad relationship with a girl, as alot of you know, what most people don't know is that she r*ped me on more then one occation, I did not say no because every time I tried she wouldn't listen and would take advantage of me anyway. she was also, mentally, physically and emotionally abusive as well as sexually, and she would always apologize after anything she did to me and said that she would "never do it again" what alot of people don't see from that relationship is the pain and torment that I went through, I had to be her caretaker, her keeper, I had to do nearly everything for her and keep her alive, and she fed on that. most people think that it was just a petty teenage relationship that ended badly, but they arn't in myshoes and to have people tell me that "oh you don't know what you're talking about blah blah blah" irritates me to no end. because they've never been in my situation.
even now seeing her in the halls, or talking to her, even if it's jsut a "hi" (I always have friedns around when she decides to talk to me, because there's a potential that she could hurt me) it fills me with sheer terror.
and I can't get away from her, my state doesn't beleive that a girl could be as abusive as she was, so they did nothing. I have to wait til I go to college to be free of her, it's also ruined me for future relationships, I have a really hard time trusting other girls, I'm getting better at it and I love the girlfriend I have with all my heart because she understands and is very patient and understanding with me.
but the sexual part of a relationship scares the crap out of me. I don't think I can be that way with a woman again for a long time, because of the things that my ex did to me, and that infuritates me that I can't share the utmost act of love with the person that I love because I'm damaged.
I'm slowly getting better with trusting and being open with my partner though and it's taken and will take a lot of time and healing. but I think now I'm finally on the right path.

[troubleshooter]

*hugs* Thanks for sharing Sunni. You really went through a lot with her, and it's wrong that she wasn't able to be punished for what she did just because people didn't think she was "capable". I'm sure in time with help you'll be able to heal from everything, and you're welcome to share more anytime you want.

[Sarah]

sarah just wanted sends you cuddles if does wants them..
is sorry did goes through what you did, but hopes you keeps on the right paths makes to be betters.

and is gotsa lots pretty name *nods* sunni.. like a big sunshine :D

[Stellata]

I'm not sure if being physically and verbally assaulted in varying degrees on a daily basis at school for over a decade by up to 20 or more of my peers qualifies me for inclusion in this thread. But they were all girls, all my age, and they all abused me. And left a lot of scars, trauma emotional-body memory scars. It started when I was 6, and ended when they all left school at 16/17. It started out with several girls, and by the time I was 17, it was more than 20 of them, and doing things like throwing a chair across the room at me. And the names. The ridicule.
Some might say "oh, it's just bullying". Just?

I've had several girls, but one in particular, be fairly emotionally abusive. we weren't in a romantic relationship or anything but this one just loved to mess with my head, tell me elaborate lies, threaten suicide in front of me, all sorts of stuff. i think she did that to everyone. i sometimes don't even believe she really meant to hurt me, but everyone says she did. so i don't know, but yeah girls can be cruel.

[Wannabfree]

One of my abusers was a woman - i was a child, she was an adult... i always felt like no one would believe the things she did :(

[shadow-light]

i may semi-qualify... my mum is emptionally abusive and used to be physically too

[Minty]

Not a lot to say but thank you for creating this thread, one of my abusers and the main feeder of abuse was a female. For years I felt very isolated by this, especially being a girl myself, I was only young and thought maybe that was just how older women act with young people. I also felt like I wasn't strong enough didn't say no hard enough because as a mother she should feel something when I was in pain ( not my mother I want to say)

[DestroyMe]

thanks Sarah *hugs back*
and Shadow-light, that does qualify sweetie *hugs*

[Puck]

Sometimes when i was with my ex, particularly when it was the group of them im convinced there was a female.. the smell and structure... was more feminine but i dont know whether that counts. Also the person who got me into that mess... the one who hooked me up with him and a couple of months back got me r*ped again (she told me where to be, the guys knew my timetable.. she told me to meet her in the subway so we could go to tescos together and the rest is history) was a girl.

I think this is a very good thread, thank you for creating it, im sure many people will bennefit from it being here, sending cuddles to everyone, take care of yourselves x

[lynx]

My mother used to rub or touch my bare bottom in the bathroom. As soon as I was aware of what was happening I blocked myself from having any sexual feelings and in a way I am glad for that.

I still hate her for what she's done to me. She said that if I didn't explain why I didn't want her to touch me then it was my own fault. Bitch.

I am hoping to get away in a month or two. Get a job, find an apartment. School didn't work out, so why not spread my wings and fly away instead of suffering for no cause?

Edit: I used to shout at her and once I almost hit her for what she was doing. I ****ing hate her.

[NeonHaze]

I used to be emotionally abused for about 4 years by a woman. In a way its worse than the sexual abuse because its more of a mindf*ck , and I have alot of trouble talking about it.

[whirlpools]

Me. I think. But it was complicated.

[Zedebee]

I don't have anything to say at the moment but I wanted to say I like this thread =)

[troubleshooter]

To lynx: I hope you manage to get out soon you don't deserve to be around that.

To Northernlights: Would you care to share what you think might qualify as abuse? Even if it's complicated you're welcome to tell.

To Neonhaze: Would you like to try to talk about what happened at all? You said it's difficult but maybe this could be a good outlet to start a little. :)

By the way I'm amazed at the turnout! I'm glad this can be so useful. Be sure to etll any friends you feel might benefit from this thread as well. *hugs for all*

[whirlpools]

I guess I'd call it bullying, rather than abuse. Though, bullying is abusive, so perhaps it's the same.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Probably not triggering, but just incase.

When I was about 13, I moved schools/areas and made friends with this girl. She was quite a bully, to me and to others, but she was hard to pin down as a bully. Half the time she'd be nice to me, the other half, she'd be really horrible. Because of our age, we were just getting into that place where you start to be interested in your own and other people's bodies. She suggested we engage in sexual behaviour together and I agreed. We did, and it was okay, but after a couple of times I got bored of it and moved on. The "friendship" continued as it was, but so did the bullying. It's hard to explain how she was bullying, but I ended up getting really depressed because of it, too scared to go to school, vomiting before school etc. And the self harming began. She mainly seemed to like threatening me and humiliating me publically rather than being physically abusive. She'd get other people to comment on my body, in a derogatory way. I was scared of her and I was exhausted, after about eighteen months of this. She could switch between being friends and being the bully so quickly too. One day she was at my house and she kept saying she wanted to do the sexual stuff we'd done before. I said I didn't want to, but she kept saying how she'd "spread stuff" about me ("being a lesbian") around school and that she'd tell my favourite teacher that I fancied her and things like that. I kept saying no but she kept threatening me and eventually I must have given in and let her. I remember I just decided to do what used to happen when I was being abused as a child, and float away. I remember looking at the grey in the sky. This happened a few times, until my head of year realised she was a bully and moved me to a different class and I stopped seeing her.

It's really hard to tell anyone about that, because it's hard to explain just how worn down I was by the bullying back then. I was like a frightened mouse. So I'm sure they wouldn't take it seriously. I know it's not a big thing, and I'm not massively traumatised by it, but it has had a longstanding effect on me still.

[Stellata]

Bullying is abuse.
If an adult did that to another adult, it would be abuse, no questions. Fact that you were both teenagers is neither here nor there.
And you're right, it does wear you down. The constant hyper-vigilance and everything.

--

I guess... I'm feeling upset that bullying is somehow classed differently by people, different to 'real abuse'. It just really upsets me. Hell. What I, and many, have endured is real abuse.

[troubleshooter]

Just because that's not "massive trauma" that doesn't mean that it's not worth acknowledging. It sounds like she really did hurt you, and ended up molesting you as well. She sounds like a typical passive aggressive "queen bee" bully. That humiliation (esp public humilation) can be a killer as well. When you're hurt emotionally it can last just as long, and I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell us. *hugs*

[shadow-light]

I think people like to think of bullying as different to abuse as they hear about bullying more and so sort of get desensiticed to it... or think that it's kids exadurating... or something....

but bullying is abuse, and bullying can happen to so many different degrees. I wrote a thing on here and on my websites last year about bullying and the effects it can have to try to demonstrate that it is serious, not sure if it changed anyones perception though