Triggering (SI) - 308 days gone to waste..

[basementghostx]

So January 6th, 2007.. I decided to stop cutting.

I struggled for the first like.. three months and it got so much easier after that..

But November 17th I don't even know what it was that my dad said or did but he kept ripping me apart and I broke down and destroyed my room trying to remember where I hid my blades from myself... when I found them, it resulted in me failing 308 days of freedom.

I did it again the next day.. and the day after that.. and I made it again until today when I got into a huge fight with my parents and made some more marks in my arms.

I feel so horrible.. I almost made it an entire year and I threw it all away and I keep failing over and over again and I just want to be free but it's so hard now that I've started again..

I can't stop thinking about it .. I get so distracted at school because I'm scared of someone seeing somehow even though I wear hoodies and I'm afraid of my parents finding out..

What can I do to stop this? The things I used to do to distract myself and calm down (pounding out minor chords on my piano, going to the park to whip my basketball at the hoop) ... either don't help anymore or are kind of hard to do since it's winter..

[smileemptysoul]

First off, 308 days free of SI is great! I am proud of you, its a great accomplishment.

I myself went about a year SI free, slippped up, stopped for about another year and slipped up again. At first I felt the same way, that I just threw it all away and failed. Really, I think its part of the process of quiting.

In those 308 days did you feel better then the times you were SIing? You got a taste of life without SI, you can do it again. I also found the first few months to be very difficult and then it gradually getting a bit easier. Its not starting all over again, because now you have the motivation to continue on from where you left off in your recovery. Everytime you get the urge, just think of how it was during those 308 days. I find my motivation in staying away from SI from looking back at when I was without it. I hope that can work for you as well.

Distractions are temporary... they are good but only for that moment, same with SI. You mentioned that you play the piano. Have you tried writing a song, maybe writing lyrics to it? Being expressive can help ease the urges. I find that responding to people on ryl can be helpful as well. You can help others through your experience. I dont pretend to know what to say to everyone, but I think people rather you say something then get no reply at all, so they know they arent alone. You arent alone and I hope you can find that strength in you that I know you have to get through this. Take care. PM me anytime.

[-FalLiNgToPiEcEs-]

308 days really is fantastic! I to am very proud of you, and I personally find you a huge inspiration, as I have only ever managed to stop for 1 month. Even after such a short period of time, I was angry at myself for having started again, but I knew that I could do it again.

You can to. It's all part of the process, sometimes things happen, that knock you back again, but you can do it. It may feel at times like your taking 6 steps forward and 3 steps back, and 5 steps forward and 4 steps back, but honestly, if you stick at it, the steps will soon keep going forward. What it comes down to, is that the only one that can make you stop, is you. But if you start again, if your not ready to stop, its nothing to be ashamed of, at all. 308 days is a huge acomplishment, and it is 308 days of freedom that you enjoyed. So it was not wasted.

You aren't alone, and you have proven that you do have the strength to stop. You will get through this :). Take care of yourself, feel free to PM me anytime x