Triggering (SI) - Woah.
So,i'm really truthfully trying my best to stop self-harming,i last cut on Tuesday,worst i've ever done it. It's breaking my mums heart,she sent me a text message last night when she was at work ,it says " You know i wont give up on you,but i am really upset.When you cut i feel it too. My heart breaks when i see it. But it breaks even more when you tell other people and not me it feels like you love them more."
She's never been so open towards my self-harm like that before,it totally opened my eyes,i need to stop for my mum. This is ruining everything,she can't cope at work,she keeps having to come out of work to get me when i've cut or overdosed,she spends all her time in her room sobbing her little hear out,she doesn't go anywhere anymore,she doesn't socialise,she's so depressed,it feels as if my substitute for my depression,is causing her to be depressed. Sounds stupid when you put it like that but it's true.
3 days. I can do this,i HAVE to do this,i have no choice.
I mean even though things for me at the minute aren't very good,what with things at school getting 10 times worse,my family not speaking to me,my boyfriend being on holiday,my mood getting lower and lower. I need self-harm,in my life,at the minute. I know that it would make things just a little easier.But i can't keep doing this to my mum,i can't keep lying to her.
What if one day in the future she totally gives up on me and makes me live with gran(like she has threatened in the past)? She's the only thing i have left,and i can't go through losing a parent all over again,it's too much. I need her so badly,i try and i try to tell her how much she means to me,but it never sinks through.
I'll just have to go out as much as possible,spend time with mum,come on here everyday.
Hopefully i'll get through this. I need too. I need to get better.
I don't even know why i'm posting this,a waste of a thread i suppose but i needed to let it out.