Triggering (SI) - dear diary "updated in reply post"
I donít know how the **** I am going to be able to say this, but I ****ing hate myself.Alot. I cried today, fully balled my eyes out because I thought that I was ****ing going to lose all my work that I had done in the last hour on my school laptop because it came up with this weird warning when I was just using it for my Modern homework that was due today. My teacher did not say anything when I came to class late. I just have a lot of Modern work that I have to get done. This weekend I am going to have not much time for anything else except homework and revising over all of my subjects. Have an assessment that I have to finish that is due on Monday cause I was really sick Thursday night through to Saturday. Schools a bitch at the moment. I donít know if I should care anymore or not because there is a lot of stuff that is going through my head that is not coming out again and cause I feel that I am in a state of calm, where I donít get angry or show my emotions and try and be happy all day every day I just donít know if this is me being real or that I actually should, you know, talk about the past that I have to deal with but maybe at the same time, done anything and everything to run away from it.
Cutting numbs me. It takes away my pain. Pain that I am too scared to even take a breath from doing schoolwork and to try and deal with it, no instead I just bury it completely. Last year of school. Scares me and heaps of other emotions come to mind when I think about that. Responsibilities come to mind, that just seem to scare me away all of the time. I cant even ****ing bring myself to sit down and think about my day, the week that ive had, not even thinking about self harm or my emotions that are connected to it. Maybe I just block things out cause I am afraid of dealing with them or panicking about them. I cant bring myself from being isolated. Alone or just wanting to do nothing, wallow in my despair or numbness or nothingness that I seem to be getting lots and lots of lately. Being tired. Not knowing If I can get my homework done on time. Urges to cut myself. Urges to hide away and cry, seriously full on cry, like I havenít been able to do for ages because I ****ing feel trapped big time inside myself and that I am to scared to deal with my own ****. Nightmares of being admitted. Counselling sessions and flashbacks of flashbacks. I donít know how much more I can ****ing take.
Last edited by silentgirl : 01-12-2007 at 10:30 PM.