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Old 30-11-2007, 05:35 AM   #1
silentgirl
 
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Triggering (SI) - dear diary "updated in reply post"

Dear diary
I donít know how the **** I am going to be able to say this, but I ****ing hate myself.Alot. I cried today, fully balled my eyes out because I thought that I was ****ing going to lose all my work that I had done in the last hour on my school laptop because it came up with this weird warning when I was just using it for my Modern homework that was due today. My teacher did not say anything when I came to class late. I just have a lot of Modern work that I have to get done. This weekend I am going to have not much time for anything else except homework and revising over all of my subjects. Have an assessment that I have to finish that is due on Monday cause I was really sick Thursday night through to Saturday. Schools a bitch at the moment. I donít know if I should care anymore or not because there is a lot of stuff that is going through my head that is not coming out again and cause I feel that I am in a state of calm, where I donít get angry or show my emotions and try and be happy all day every day I just donít know if this is me being real or that I actually should, you know, talk about the past that I have to deal with but maybe at the same time, done anything and everything to run away from it.
Cutting numbs me. It takes away my pain. Pain that I am too scared to even take a breath from doing schoolwork and to try and deal with it, no instead I just bury it completely. Last year of school. Scares me and heaps of other emotions come to mind when I think about that. Responsibilities come to mind, that just seem to scare me away all of the time. I cant even ****ing bring myself to sit down and think about my day, the week that ive had, not even thinking about self harm or my emotions that are connected to it. Maybe I just block things out cause I am afraid of dealing with them or panicking about them. I cant bring myself from being isolated. Alone or just wanting to do nothing, wallow in my despair or numbness or nothingness that I seem to be getting lots and lots of lately. Being tired. Not knowing If I can get my homework done on time. Urges to cut myself. Urges to hide away and cry, seriously full on cry, like I havenít been able to do for ages because I ****ing feel trapped big time inside myself and that I am to scared to deal with my own ****. Nightmares of being admitted. Counselling sessions and flashbacks of flashbacks. I donít know how much more I can ****ing take.


Last edited by silentgirl : 01-12-2007 at 10:30 PM. Reason: updating
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Old 30-11-2007, 08:40 AM   #2
Stellata
 
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It's ok to cry, Hannah.
You have a lot to feel sad about.

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Old 30-11-2007, 11:35 AM   #3
bballbug_aboo
 
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i know how you feel ,the same thing is happening to me right now but i find it really helps to listen to music after school....i don't know why but it just helps!

feel better and please know your not alone.....
emily rose

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Old 30-11-2007, 11:10 PM   #4
silentgirl
 
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I feel that it isnt ok to cry, i am meant to be a senior at school now. That i have to concentrate on my studies and do well at the end of next year..... lots of preesure though.... my tutors have said that i cant buckle under preesure. I have to get this assignment done and finished this weekend. Im not allowing myself to go to my friends house. I stuffed this same assignment up last year, i cant stuff it up agen. I feel that i am alone and that i am scared to talk to anyone because of expectations. My tutor expects me to do two hours of study + homework on a monday and tuesday, 4 hours of study + homework on Wednesdays (i get home at 2pm), thursdays... two hours of study + homework after i come home from counselling and on Friday... that can be my break.... but i have to do 12 hours of study (on top of normal homework) between Sat & Sun.
What makes me feel worse is that i cant talk in counselling, i dont even know why and its like i just dig a ****ing hole for myself and it takes forever to get out of it. Preesure cos no one wants me to turn out like my sister did when she was doing her last year of highschool. Doing minimal homework, not studying but cramming the night before. Going out to parties and with friends, fighting with my parents (thats started already with me cos they dont understand how much work that i have to put in outside school cos my sister never did it).
Big deal if someone finds out that ive cut myself. If i am continueing to try my best and school and get good grades, that all that should matter to others.
Counselling. I cant go there. I feel that if i talk about stuff in counselling about my past and other stuff, i cant ****ing go back to being settled and not showing emotions and putting all my effort into my schoolwork.
I feel so alone. Trapped at times.

thanx for the replies

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