I screwed up.Major breakdown. Currently in the back of a police car taken to the crisis house. My boyfriend is with me and I hate myself. Everything has gone wrong, I can't do anything right. Everybody hates me and theyre right to do so. I'm tainted and evil and I disgust myself.
The police were so nice to me. Hoping I'll get help and feel better and stuff. One of then told me he suffers from bipolat himself.
I asked the crisis guy why I was here because literally the police needed to get me here to get rid of me so they wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of my craziness?
And then I asked him why I was here and how there were going to help me. And he was like 'you're calmer now you're not in crisis anymore'. And I'm like, yeah that's because I took more slerpilg pills to calm dowm. I still feel self destructive.
So they just referred me to a & e to have my hand checked. Lol.
I'm sorry things are so awful right now. Are you safe where you are or is there anyone you can talk to there about things? A but unsure how crisis houses work.
Thinking of you.
Thanks so much Carmen. Im with my bf. He nearly dumped me but in the end decided against it. I feel horrible. The guy I was supposed to talk to about things was a bit of a dick so that upset me even more. I'm now waiting to have my hand looked at. Which isvtakingbforvrrr eveh though it's a small hospital and there's no one else here.
Update: I've had my hand seen; I'm having an x-ray soon.
I spoke to the doctor about crisis and how I though the guy was being rather inapprioate. The doctor said he'll try to get somebody else to see me.
I don't know what to say to them. I just want all this to stop. The suffering and the pain and the stress. I nearly lost the one person I love (romantically) tonight because I'm a piece of shit. Everybody else agrees, and even more so now. After what I've done tonight.
It's like six am and the *bad crisis guy* is the only crisis person available for now. He seems to be under the impression that my crisis is resolved though the feelings are there still, and I feel like I can't cope. Urges. He was like 'BPD is [pretty nasty], changhing moods ;you need DBT'
But I know that. That's long term. I want that back. Believe me.
But I barely have any help now. I'm destroying everyone and I NEEED to be contained.
Thank you Carmen. I'm sorry I'm ranting so much. I just feel so horrible and everytime I try to tell someone it goes wrong. The guy I saw seemed very unprofessional to me and said some terrible things to me. He also told my partner I have a 'very childish atitude'(this, after repeated uncontrolled attempts at self harm and crying about suicide and wanting to be listened to...)
I don't know what might help. I find it hard to identify solutions to my issues. I'm super impulsive and I find im losing control a lot. Urges are real and strong and my will to resist is low. I think I deserve to be hurt. I'm so evil and horrible I've hurt so many people already, I feel like I need to be punished but also stopped from hurting people.
Sorry to post in here again but really struggling ATM.
I'm very anxious. Im meeting my boyfriebds father and I'm afraid of what were going to talk about. I'm afraid he hstrsxme. I'm afraid I'm getting kicked out. I upset his daughter and granddaughter very badly yesterday when I had the breakdown. Screaming and punching walls.
Maybe you could just start off by saying that you apologise if you upset any of the family yesterday because of the crisis you had yesterday, and that wasn't your intention. That will hopefully help clear the air.
And then perhaps move onto a lighter topic, so you can both relax a bit.
I'm really sorry to hear how you got treated last night. Hearing you find it hard to identify solutions, perhaps you could list each issues and where you want the end goal of each issue to be. So it could be going from depressed to content. for instance. Then we can perhaps help you work out some small goals to help move forwards with some of them if you would like.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
Thank you so much guys. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I've just been all over the place.
Thank you Lorraine x
Thank you Amy :) I apologised. My bf's dad steered the conversation toward light and fun topics so it went really well. I don't understand why he didn't act like he hated me or kicked me out of the house. I'm horrible and I deserve it. But he said it was ok. He said I shouldn't hate myself and that it's ok.
And thats very insightful thanks. I'll try to list some of the main issues that I need help with.
Thanks Cara <3 I've been under so much stress lately, it's like I've been having breakdowns every day. It all escalated on Sunday and there was food and I got triggered so I screamed and tried to runaway. But the door was locked and my bf's sister wouldn't let me out of the house. So that's when I lost it completely. I am claustrophobic, like, I can be in an enclosed space if I know I can leave willingly, but if someone or something is stopping me that's when I get severely triggered.
I feel horrible today. I'm so sad. I feel like my relationship is falling apart. I don't want to eat. I have urges. I've been taking drugs and I'm paranoid I might have accidentally poisoned myself. I think I might end up in a&e. I'm scared and alone. My boyfriend is at his sister's again for the day.
I overdosed I'm scared. I called NHS direct I'm so sorry. I just really need some hugs and support. I'm sorry I'm asking but I'm so alone. I promise I'll try to offer more supportive from now on to make up for being an attention. Seeker and so selfish
Did nhs direct give any suggestions or say you should go to a&e? You really should get checked out. You are not an attention seeker or selfish, you are clearly in distress and need help. You deserve help and kindness. Could someone take you to a&e? Is someone with you to keep you safe?
Thank you for replying Lorraine <3 that's really sweet of you to say hun x
NHS direct sent the ambulance as I have asthma and there was a risk of respiratory complications with what I took.
I was on the phone with the ambulance lady for a couple hours(!!!) until the ambulance arrived. I tried to tell her she didn't have to keep talking to me, but she insisted and she was so lovely.
I'm at the poison control centre at the hospital. I had my bloods taken and ECG done, and now I'm just lying here. I'm queasy and tired. I feel like I might fall asleep.
There's this guy here, another patient, he makes me super uncomfortable. He's half naked. He scares me a bit. He's on the phone I think and he makes me so anxious. Wish I had someone with me. I feel so alone.
Is there someone you can phone to ask to come see you? You did the right thing in reaching out for help. Well done on making that phone call. You need to be checked out so you are in the right place. Sorry that man is making you uncomfortable. Is he saying anything to you?
No one was available to come and see me last night. But I spoke to my boyfriend, and a couple friends, so that made me feel a bit better.
Thank you so much Lorraine. I didn't wanna die, I just wanted the pain to go away.
My bloods came back fine. I don't feel great though. I'm waiting to see the psych now. I'm not sure what I'll say to him. It's hard to express things. And so many people have been asking me questions.
I'm listening to music and looking out the window , trying to distract. The weather is lovely now, though last night it was awful.
The man didn't say anything to me luckily. He was talking to his girlfriend on the phone but that was it. He just gives off a scary vibe. You know, huge, half naked man, in a bed not that far from me. But maybe it's just a preconception of mine. I don't think he's dangerous or anything.
Can anyone be with you now? Keep listening to music and distracting yourself. You can get through this, even though it's really hard. Stay strong and keep fighting. I hope you are able to talk to the psych. I understand it can be hard to express yourself in front of such people. What about writing it down?
Im home! I spoke to the psych. He told me he understand and sent me to see my cmht psych.
I've been chatting with friends trying to keep distracted. It's hard to keep focused. I'm scared.
I'm really triggered. My relationship is falling apart. I don't want to lose him but it feels like he's slipping from my reach. Imb remembering all the abuse. I love him. I want to forgive him. He did something horrible but I deserve it. I've not been good to him.
I'm shaking so much. I feel sick. They discharged me though. Surely there's nothing wrong with me physically. I feel defeated.