Basically, I don't deserve to feel the way I do or be the way I am. The only reasonable explanation is that I'm making everything up, I'm certain I am. I get confused about details of events and realise I've retold them in a worse light, I lie to myself, which I cannot stand. I literally cannot bear the skin I am in because I am such a liar and a terrible person. I am clearly pretending to have issues as nothing happened to me and I've made everything sound worse than it was because clearly I want attention or something, even though I think I hate attention, my mind must think otherwise. Sometimes I don't feel myself or real but I think I'm pretending to feel this way? Maybe pretending would give me an excuse to be so pathetic and such a failure?
I do not deserve to be on this website and I make a mockery of people who really do suffer by being here. I am writing this thread because I can't help but wonder with slight hope (perhaps), if anyone can relate? I really must emphasise that I am pretty much fraudulent for being on here. My self-harm is absolutely pathetic and I think my moods change to quickly for my bad feelings to be real? When I have felt very bad, like I can't leave the house or shower or function in ordinary ways I can still come on here or often play a computer game or read unless I am very very stressed, the thoughts come back right after my distraction but surely if what I felt was legitimate I would not be able to negate it at all? I can usually calm myself down to quickly for someone who is not pretending. To me, I am clearly pretending, I need to come to terms with this.
Oh god I want to hear you say,
I want to hear you say that you were wrong again
This is the first thing
I have understood:
Time is the echo of an axe
Within a wood.
I tend to exaggerate and see everything in a negative light. My boyfriend catches that a lot. I get into an argument with my school mates hear "shut up" and translate that to "everyone hates me", later I show the conversation to my boyfriend, after crying about it trough out the whole evening and he gets to tell me "that's not what happened at all".
I don't think that you're doing it for attention. It's just who you are. It's good to know that you are the way you are, but you can't exactly change who you are. I try not to blow things out of proportion, yet I'm still going to end up doing it from time to time.
Honestly, I've felt that way myself before. A lot of times I've written up posts here and not posted them because I felt as though I was exaggerating the details of what occurred. So I can say that I kind of relate to the way that you feel. Moreso than thinking I wasn't being truthful is that I felt guilty for expecting people to help me with things so insignificant. I never really felt right taking advantage of this site. I've always felt as though I don't deserve the support that this site can give me. Compared to a lot of what I've read on here, I'm really lucky to be living the life I've been given. I shouldn't feel bad or ask for advice. I should be thanking my lucky stars.
That's at least what I think to myself most of the time. But honestly, none of that really takes from the fact that we feel the way we do. I feel like **** ninety percent of the time, and I spend every night getting depressed about what I'm doing (or more accurately what I'm 'not' doing) with my life. I tend to think that most of my problems are too trivial to post about here, but honestly, this is a support website. Regardless of how trivial your problems are, if you get some kind of solace by coming here and venting, getting advice, or doing whatever it is that you end up doing here, then do it. By all means, if it makes you feel better to exaggerate the details, and it keeps you from getting so stressed out, do it.
Whether or not the events that brought on your feelings were real or exaggerated or whatever, the feelings are real. You should do whatever you need to do to help with that. If that means blowing things out of proportion, go for it. Nobody here is going to question the authenticity of the things you're saying, and I sincerely doubt that anyone here is going to get upset by a bit of exaggeration.
I know I'm being completely hypocritical right now, because I tend to feel somewhat similarly to you, but again, if it helps you to do that, then go for it. I'm certainly not going to think less of you for it. I bet most of the others around here share similar thoughts.
I will say, though, it takes a lot of guts to admit to something like this on here. Or anywhere on the internet for that matter. And a lot of integrity. It speaks to your character that you felt you needed to tell the people of this site about this. Regardless of what it makes you think of yourself, it makes me think extremely highly of you.
In any case, thank you for your apology, but I don't think it's entirely necessary. All things considered, the things you've said probably aren't as bad as what you are thinking. Even if it were as bad as you were thinking, I definitely don't see a huge problem with it.
Oh, and as for the pretending bit, I've had that thought come into my head several times as well. Sometimes I feel absolutely terrible, and can't come up with any valid reason as to why I feel that way. Sometimes I can calm myself down in an instant. Sometimes not so much. I still think that I'm just faking my depression from time to time. And maybe I am, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the familiar pain in my chest every night. I still feel useless all the time, guilty about everything I do, and generally as though I'm a complete waste of time and effort to be around. And maybe I've been faking those emotions all this time, but after all the times I've felt that way, I've started to think that my depression and problems may actually be authentic. I still feel guilty asking for advice from anyone, and generally I hide any of my problems from everyone (even on here) because I think they're too trivial and shouldn't really matter, but I'm pretty sure, at this point, that what I'm feeling is a legitimate problem. I'm sure that you feel the same way most of the time. Behind the logical thought that you must be faking your emotions for some reason, there must be some kind of emotional feeling you get that it has to be real for you to feel the way you do.
Don't feel bad about seeking advice here. And yeah, I know, I'm being hypocritical, but seriously, the logical side of you probably just can't comprehend the severity of your feelings. Even if, for whatever reason, all you're doing by being here is seeking attention (which I sincerely doubt), if doing that helps you get through the day, then go for it. Everyone here is here to help you. Nobody here is going to say you're problems aren't serious enough to require advice. You don't need to apologize, but thanks for being honest with everyone.
I feel that way too sometimes but you don't need to have anything happen to you to be depressed. Any self harm is too much self harm. At least that's what I think.
I know you have difficulty feeling like you have reasons to feel the way you do but when I’ve said imagine me in your shoes and the situation(s) reversed you become distressed and upset at the thought of me being on the receiving end of that. You have compassion for anyone else but anger at yourself. You don’t exaggerate things at all; you underplay a lot and treat yourself very harshly, with a different standard. I often think why hasn’t this girl been given a break, one thing alone would be enough to floor me and make it difficult to function day to day. And it’s not just the situations alone, very difficult in their own right, they are coupled with the overarching beliefs you’ve formed from a young age that have solidified and fed into this belief you are making things up.
It pains me so much that you have had all these horrible things happen for one, and then on top of that you place blame on yourself. Distributing that blame to others is very difficult so it boomerangs back to yourself. But if it's too difficult at the moment to do that that doesn't mean that it has to be placed on you, it doesn't automatically mean it must be you that was in the wrong. You can recognise reasons as to why they may have been like that and it's not wrong of you to be allowed to say things were wrong and bad and shitty, if it helps perhaps separate from any one person being the cause, the ‘bad guy’, the situations themselves were bad. You are not lying nor making anything up. Those things did occur, you have a very good memory (as indicated by how good it is when revising for your exams and memories of being very young) but I know you are made to feel it is a bad one and get told things that definitely did happen never did. There’s some situations you are sure happened because of the circumstances or a little detail that must have meant it was so & even then you are met with disbelief so that’s a clear sign it’s not you that is confusing things. Which naturally then makes you question yourself. And the fact you are out rightly told instantly no, that never occurred, is perhaps because they are not ready to recognise it as a plausible option at all because that would have implications as to how they maybe should have acted differently. Such a staunch outright no, no question of you having the right picture, as opposed to 'oh I thought it went like this...'. Others confuse the details of events by not even addressing the details so they appear to have remembered correctly which gives you the impression it is you that is confused instead. They perhaps don’t want others hearing that because they know it may sound not so good and reflects them in a bad light. And the way other members of the household are now treated shows they have changed their behaviour because deep down they may agree it was not the best way and not right on you. But that doesn't get admitted out loud because it would be difficult for them to do so as that would require recognising. Also when things are said out loud they seem more solid and would require addressing.
I know that you don’t find it easy to put aside the thoughts and you don’t calm yourself down really quickly, often you’re very distressed. At times distractions can help but when you’ve haven’t had the opportunity to release for a few days it’s built up and erupted out and the feelings have been more intensified. At times when you have done it it hasn’t calmed you instantly or at all, it’s not been negated and wasn’t effective in de-heightening that distress. Distractions put it off but they don’t make the emotions go away, they mask them for a small amount of time and end up in you still feeling the need to do it, an hour, a day, a week later, a clear sign the distress has just been pushed down and has always existed, therefore real. I think you would still feel your self harm is pathetic if you ended up chopping off a limb & would have a reason as to why someone else's is worse because the parameters would change as to what 'bad' was for you individually because you are so harsh with yourself. I think a lot of the community on here would understand feeling their self harm isn't 'good enough', I've felt that way and felt a fraud for being on this site.
There’s definite reasons as to why you don’t feel real, you’ve needed to detach in order to cope and survive. There’s no way you are attention seeking and to be given that impression by those that are associated with how bad things were is obviously very confusing. Like you say you hate attention. People in your environment have had clear motivators to hide the truth from themselves because to recognise that things that occurred to you were very bad would potentially rock their world view and unsettle their peace of mind. Being blind to those home truths at the time was convenient and they continue to do so now because that defence mechanism has worked so well, enabling them to feel certain things didn’t occur or happened in a different way but I think there are small flashes of recognition on their part, to recognise that for more that a fleeting moment might inundate them with guilt so revert back to the picture that keeps their world stable. That leaves you questioning your own sanity & the emotional fallout from those events gets ignored and pushed down because you feel you don’t have a reason to feel them if they never took place. But they did and your emotions from that are very real and deserve recognising as such.
If we did a timeline of your life and you placed me or anyone else into it would you think they were making things up and being fraudulent? You have such compassion for others that you find difficult to extend to yourself.
no_Brakes, thank you for your honesty. I agree that what is felt is always real, even if the reason was even somewhat "made up".
I feel like I am not being honest at all though, people are being tricked into thinking I am a good person or that I deserve support. I should just delete this, but that would be rude, and I know perspective is helpful.
Vicks, I think I know there is a difference because I am certain I have exaggerated things I have told you, I don't know why you would even consider any of it bad knowing how much I do exaggerate. I know you say I am too harsh on myself but I really do not feel that is the case as I have just lied, it must be for pity, I don't know. Something in me is not right.
I don't think a timeline would be representative because that assumes I've told the truth about everything and not exaggerated or created a fictional version of myself. Which is the case. I know it. I remember.
I'm sorry to hear people say about not feeling like their self-harm is enough. I feel a fraud and like mine is not enough because I am a liar, other people's reasons are valid.
I really hope this made sense, I know I haven't addressed the replies properly, this took a long time to write.
Oh god I want to hear you say,
I want to hear you say that you were wrong again
This is the first thing
I have understood:
Time is the echo of an axe
Within a wood.
I'm sorry that you're feeling like this. I do not know you, but I absolutely trust Vicks' judgement and she thinks you're awesome and therefore you are awesome.
You keep talking about how you have lied, but at no point have you said "I lied about xyz, those things never happened". It sounds like you certainly haven't told any outright conscious lies, more than you are doubting yourself because of other people who are choosing to be in denial about things that happened in the past? Or you're worried in case there's one or two facts you've misremembered and you're so conscious of being in any way misleading that you feel you need to go completely overboard and declare yourself to have made everything up and convince yourself that you're saying it all for attention. Personally I think the only thing you're being misleading about is claiming that you have told so many lies! Everyone exaggerates accidentally or intentionally every now and again, and everyone remembers things slightly inaccurately and that doesn't make everyone a liar. Can you honestly say that at some point you sat down and decided you were going to go onto an internet site and pretend that x y and z things happened to you? Unless that is the case, you need to go easy on yourself; you are not a liar.
Surely if you were doing this all for attention I would see more than three threads from you in the last four years asking for help? I am a pro at spotting attention-seekers so surely I would know you as a whiney attention-seeker rather than as that cool person that Vicks knows that I kind of want to meet?
Please try to give yourself a break! I also hope my ramblings make sense.
I don't think I am making a conscious effort to lie but I think I might of in the past? Lately I have been speaking about the past a lot and it seems to get clearer that things were not bad. I suppose I am speaking about it in more detail than I ever have, and having people take me seriously makes me realise how insignificant it sounds. How I might be exaggerating, how I'm not sure if I actually felt the way it now seems like I did at the time.
People are remembering things differently to me, I don't know if that's denial or just a more realistic perspective? Whereas mine is overdramatising. I'm quite sure of this because when I think about things that are perhaps bad I almost always come to the conclusion that I wasn't feeling as bad about it at the time. Therefore it's only now that I'm going back on it I'm zoning in on specific points which makes it sound worse than it is? Also, surely if I was so affected by it, I would have felt worse at the times things "have" happened? Which makes me think I must want things to fit into a "bad" category, I'm not quite sure why I want this.
I see what you mean about threads I've made and intentionally lying on here. I can see that my behaviour is not stereotypically attention seeking, but I worry that I am doing it in an insidious sort of way, although I realise that that might be paranoid thinking.
You did make sense so don't worry. "That cool person that Vicks knows that you kind of want to meet" is a title I'm truly honoured to have.
Oh god I want to hear you say,
I want to hear you say that you were wrong again
This is the first thing
I have understood:
Time is the echo of an axe
Within a wood.
I can certainly empathise with this; when I went to speak to a professional about things that had happened in my past I felt like I was making mountains out of molehills in a sense. As when I'd spoken to the people who'd done it to me they refused to admit it was a big deal. That doesn't mean it wasn't though.
I agree with Jenna, you have hardly asked for help from people, so I would in no way assume you are an attention seeker.
Try to give yourself a break.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥