Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - My friend was abused and I want to help her :(
When my friend was little, she was sexually abused by a man who her mother later on married, even after my friend told her about the abuse.
She didn't believe it.
They're not together anymore, but even years and years later, my friend is still affected by it, which is pretty much inevitable.
She's never REALLY opened up to anyone and told them everything [except social workers I think] and I think she wants to, but the last person she told the most to [another friend] that other friend cried and she doesn't want to upset anyone like that again.
She SI'd and had an eating disorder for years, partly due to the abuse and I don't want her falling back into it again, but I'm finding it very difficult to help her.
I've told her that I'm here for her and whatever she wants to talk to me about, she can and I'll listen and try to help as much as I can.
But I'm not really sure what else I can do apart from being a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.
Is that all I can do?
Does anyone have any advice on how I can help her more effectively? Especially on her bad days.
Thank you.
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
As a friend I think there is only so much you can do because you need to look after yourself too. Has she got any proffessional support? If not you might want to suggest the idea to her but only do what she wants and if she wants to find help maybe offer to go along for moral support.
There are some tips here of what you might be able to do to help http://www.havoca.org/Partners/partners%20questions.htm
I think as long as she knows you are there for her then thats all you can do really.
Remember don't take on too much if you can cope with it and look after yourself. You are obviously a very good friend.
Take care
x
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
She refuses to get help, says she doesn't need it.
And I know I can't force her into it, I'd just rather she got it :(
And thanks, I'll have a look at the website.
I just need to know I'm doing all I can.
And I need her to know I'm here for her no matter what.
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
You can't force her to see that you are there for her it may take a long time for her to see that but it you stick it out through the good and bad hopefully she will begin to see it.
Has she said why she doesn't think she needs help?
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Maybe try bringing it up and asking her why because getting help can be very scary but it is worth and the longer you put off dealing with things the harder it becomes. Hopefully the time will come when she feels ready but it has to be her decision and she needs to in control of it.
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Yeah, I know.
I've mentioned it to her before and I've told her she needs it, but she's always turned round and told me I need it too.
Which doesn't help because I sound like a hypocrite :/
I just hope one day she sees that she does need the help.
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
Having somebody there that you can talk to, just say the words to - can be immensely helpful. Let her know you're there if she needs you, and don't push her into something she may not be ready for. I think that's all you can do to be honest, although Katy's link is a good one to read.
I have to say though; it's people like you who offer support for friends simply because they are your friends that keeps the little faith I have in humanity. Thank you.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Most people are hypocrites when it comes to people we care about.
I think you have done all you can really, you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I really hope she does come round to the idea of help when she is ready.
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
And to be honest, I don't understand how someone wouldn't do all they could to help someone out of something like this. She means so much to me, just seeing her suffer for any length of time, even for a second, physically hurts me and makes me want to brutally murder the bastard who did it to her.
However, I know I can't do that, I'm just desperately trying to do everything I can to make sure she's okay.
Not ALL of humanity is lost just yet. :)
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
You would be surprised, not everyone is so supportive to abuse survivors so what you are doing is incredible as long as you remember yourself because you can't help anyone if you let your health go down hill because of it.
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Hey, just one comment to add to this thread other than being the next person to point out that you are being a great friend =]
I find, quite often, allowing the person to talk as and when they are ready is the best idea. I find, personally, that when somebody tries to encourage me to talk, it makes me close up more.
She obviously knows you are there for her, let her know you are happy to let her talk, but she doesn't need to.
I know it may be frustrating, but it's best to let people do these things in their own time.
Good luck, and again, you are a great person. I bet there are many people on this board who wish they had a friend like you.
I dont have much to add but I did just want to say that if you put her first all the time, and your health suffers as a result.. you wont be able to be there for her AT ALL.
it speaks volumes to your credit that you are putting so much thought into how to help her
