dirty evil naughty little bitch
attention seeking little WHORE
i tried today - i really tried. i showered and washed my hair and put on makeup and a bra and i put clothes on, trousers and a t shirt and a coat. i went to a festival thing in camden with someone I've known for several years, but she knows nothing about me.
i TRIED, dear god i tried. in and out of smoky little rooms full of people and loud noises. i followed her, i even tried to talk to her. i hinted several times at how i was very miserable, and she ignored it every time.
she said i know more about her than she knows about me, and i said 'thats because i ask you questions and you talk - but you never ask me anything about myself' but she was already talking about the river or something.
we had been there since 12pm so by 9 I was a nervous wreck, and it was finally the only gig that was gonna be good - pete doherty in Underworld, and it was right opposite the tube station for when we came out so i was feeling good. it was so ****ing crowded, my friend said lets push through the crowd, i said i couldnt. so she pushed through the crowd on her own. i ran upstairs and waited outside
she had paid for my ticket and so she got angry and said i was ungrateful and i was making her feel bad. she went back inside and left me standing on camden high street at 11 o clock at night. i was so scared, all i could think was BAD THING GONNA HAPPEN. there were punch-ups going on all around me, everyone was drunk and falling over and laughing and screaming and jostling. i called patrick but it was terrible signal and i didnt have much battery, and he had no idea what i was babbling about.
when she came out she said sorry for being grumpy, but somehow i couldnt forgive her because it had been horrible horrible horrlbe eugh eugh eugh stnading there completely exposed anything couldve happened and i wouldnt leave my worst enemy standing there, even if she wasnt scared
so she decided i was just being moody. icouldnt tell her, i couldnt say how much it had upset me, so she just thinks im a grumpy bitch
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I MAKE AN EFFORT
all i could think of was how much i wanted to be at home. patrick flipped out a bit last night so we didnt sleep in the same room, whihch i always find really comforting. so i wanted to make up for lost time.
i wouldve woken up at 11.30, gone down, woken him up. he wouldve tidied the end room and folded up the sleeping bag while i made him a bacon sandwich. i wouldve scolded him for drinking all our orange juice, and he wouldve gobbled down the bacon sandwich and then jokingly told me to make another. we wouldve gone down to the end room and talked about what happened last night and i wouldve said how sorry i was that i hadnt been able to help him. he wouldve said sorry for scaring me. we wouldve watched an episode of something, then he wouldve helped me carry my duvet and pillows and laptop back upstairs. he wouldve hugged me, and maybe sneaked a kiss. then he wouldve gone, and texted me all the way home. i wouldve gone back upstairs and read for a while, until he came on msn, then we would have talked all day.
instead i called mum up in tears from London Bridge toilets and begged her to pick me up at hte station, rather than getting a lift home with megan. she had to get dressed and drive out to meet me with arthritis and a very bad back, 2 hours after she usually goes to bed. i cried and cried on the way home. mum was all good about it, and hugged me, and said it was sad that people had feet of clay. she did say that it spoke volumes about me as a good person that i was so consistantly shocked when people betray my trust, no matter how many times it happens. but thats because she doesnt know..
she doesnt know that it is
my fault. she doesnt know that the shock comes from the fact that i never realise until too late how much i am upsetting people and making them angry and making them hate me. that sometimes i start to feel normal and good, and then i suddenly crash back to earth and realise that when all is said and done i am NOTHING.
dirty
evil
disgusting
pig
slut
whore
fat
BITCH
please god, please let me die soon
patrick uused to say one day he would be ready to let me go, but now he says i have to live and live and live
for years
YEARS
i'm only 18 or 19 and it feels like an age. i have to go on living and living
oh please god please let it all end
