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Old 26-09-2020, 06:41 PM   #2541
one_step_closer
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I can't do this. And suicide is never going to work.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-09-2020, 12:15 PM   #2542
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I don't know what to do. There's a lot of stuff going on with the other world and this may sound stupid but it's not loud it's pushing and pulling. I need to talk to someone. I need my CPN but I don't know if she ever understands what I say. No one understands what I say, so I'm very alone. The next time I'm speaking to someone is on the 30th and I can't prepare because whatever I say it isn't under and I don't want to write stuff for them because it makes me more anxious and a lot of the time I'm speaking it's the other person takes the lead so doesn't go the way I need to go. I wish my CPN was back.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-09-2020, 06:24 PM   #2543
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*hugs you* i dont know what to say... but im sending you my love if thats ok <3



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life....


10/20/2020 may you rest in peace kaci i will allways love you <3
Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 28-09-2020, 02:14 PM   #2544
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I have no advice but I have faith that you will get through this. Sending love x



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 28-09-2020, 06:26 PM   #2545
one_step_closer
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Thank you.

It's getting worse. The other world are trying to figure out what to do with me. But they're doing it quietly behind the black curtain. I feel like I haven't spoken to anyone from the CMHT regularly enough. I am lonely. There are huge spaces to get lost in. Looking in front of me is my living room and there are no people here, no kind people who understand me in my whole house. Then I walk out side and no one talks to me and I go back to my empty house. There is a huge pull towards suicide. But you know me, I never get it right. I am not fully visible. There is no peace.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-09-2020, 09:57 PM   #2546
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Hey how are things now for you I hope you are okay.



Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.

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Old 28-09-2020, 10:53 PM   #2547
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Hey just to say that im thinking of you have been for quite a while and that ive been where u are now and things did improve for me in a lot of ways i believe in u uve got this . Sometimes courage doesnt always roar sometimes courage is a tiny voice saying i will try again tomorrow my fav quote is that. Anyway i used to struggle to b understood people couldnt make out what i said wen i was ill and speaking to them but mostly this is alot better for me now. I feel ur frustration and ur pain i really hope things improve for u soon hugs if u want them

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Old 30-09-2020, 01:44 PM   #2548
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Thanks.

The CPN didn't phone. I had a phone appointment with her at 10am. I started waiting at 9am and it went past 10am then I decided I'd give her till 11am but still nothing. I went to get my prescription thinking it might actually be 1pm she was going to call but I've still heard nothing back. Maybe I'm wrong so I'll give her till 1pm because I might have mixed the time up somehow. I really need to talk to someone.

But I can't really talk to anyone anyway.

I've been doing a couple of versions of self harm to try and get some peace. It's very very short time peace but I'll take it.

I don't want the cpn to phone today anyway because the time is wrong and I need time to prepare. I have a list of things I want to say but if she phones out of the blue I'll be overwhelmed and I might not be able to get much of it said.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-09-2020, 05:58 PM   #2549
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Waiting for your CPN to ring sounds really stressful for you *hugs if they are OK* - did she ring in time? I'm thinking of you x







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Old 30-09-2020, 06:23 PM   #2550
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My own CPN is off sick. The CPN who was supposed to phone me today didn't.

I feel really mentally unwell and it's hard to explain. I look fine and I can't find the words. It's harder here, in the evening. It's MASSIVE. I'm drowning very quietly.

I wish suicide was easy. There's no reason to continue with life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-10-2020, 02:18 PM   #2551
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I got a letter this morning saying that the CPN who was supposed to phone couldn't get through on the phone. My mobile lets everyone connect and my home phone screens so people if they don't know the number and asks them to leave their name before I answer. I don't know what happened. She said she'll try again on the 12th. I've been waiting long for a phone call from a CPN. I don't know what I'd say anyway. I want to speak to my own CPN. I'm empty which is just as distressing and emotionally painful than when I'm feeling bigger things. I can't explain that my blank and I'm finding everything that I try to do I just can do it. I'm in a box, a cave, something isolated. I hold on to my CPN phone calls but now I have nothing to hold on to because I don't know what's happening with them. The letter said I can phone if I need her before my appointment but I won't and everyone knows that.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-10-2020, 10:43 AM   #2552
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I'm sorry for all the posts.

I need to phone a CPN but I won't be able to say anything that she understands. I'm so lonely. There is a huge, thick, solid block around me. I hope my own CPN is ok. I miss speaking to her each week. But it's different now. Even my CPN wouldn't be able to hear me. The biggest things that is taking up my mind right now is suicide, it's the only answer but it's something I always fail at. The gym group isn't going to be able to start again, because of the rules of the gym because of covid. I think the support worker will only be taking one person at a time and then end the support when the person when they feel able to go to the gym alone. Maybe the group will meet up for a walk some time but they're my only social contact really.

The phone call with the CPN is not until the 12th. I hope she can get in contact through either of my phones. I don't know what happened the last time. I'm really hurting but I better not phone her now, just wait until she has time for me. There is something in my brain that is changing, behind the black curtain. I will never feel better.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-10-2020, 07:52 PM   #2553
tamobhuuta
 
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Sorry you haven't had replies, it's no reflection on you. I hope your group restarts soon. I think it would be good to phone your CPN, maybe your not being able to communicate will show them how bad things are.



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 06-10-2020, 01:32 PM   #2554
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Thanks. My own CPN is off sick just now and she's better at understanding things. I don't want to phone the other CPN because I have an appointment with her on the 12th so it feels like I shouldn't waste her time when I already have an appointment. The gym group won't be starting again because of all the rules but at some point we can maybe arrange a walk with each other outside the organisation.

Things keep getting worse. I feel awful.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-10-2020, 02:12 PM   #2555
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I'm sorry you're feeling so dreadful. I think it would be fine to phone this other CPN. If you need to phone, you need to phone, doesn't matter when your next appointment is. Also a week can feel like a long time.



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 06-10-2020, 03:19 PM   #2556
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It's been way more than a week since I've had proper contact from a CPN. I worry that if I waste more calls not being able to explain myself then they'll give up on me. I really can't phone. I have to wait for an incoming call from the CPN. I hope she can get through on the phone this time. I hope my CPN will be well and back at work soon.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-10-2020, 03:27 PM   #2557
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*hugs*



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 07-10-2020, 05:50 PM   #2558
one_step_closer
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Thanks.

I'm further disappearing. I barely talk to people. There is no one around anyway. I only get to say thank you for my prescription when I go to the chemist in the morning. I wish I was still getting 2 calls a week from my CPN but before she got ill again I think she was trying to reduce that to 1 call. I don't know how the CPN in her place didn't manage to get through to any of my phones the last time I was due a call. I haven't properly spoken to a CPN in such a long time. The wall around me is getting thicker. I wake up with a to do list and then I can't do most of the things, they nearly make me cry. So all I'm doing is internetting for a short time, reading if I can, pacing, crying, self harming. And my brother is having a hard time, maybe close to my hard time. Someone save him.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-10-2020, 05:53 PM   #2559
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*hugs you and your brother*



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life....


10/20/2020 may you rest in peace kaci i will allways love you <3
Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 08-10-2020, 06:53 PM   #2560
one_step_closer
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This doesn't make sense. I'm lonely but people are too much. I went to see the gym with my support worker and there was only one more person (who was showing us the changes) and it was too much for me, too unfamiliar, overwhelming, I kept wanting it to be over. It's the same when one person talks to me in the street. I want to run away and hide. The bricks in the wall/bubble/the thing I've been trying to explain for ages are continually building around me while I'm stuck inside the wall with all my emotional pain. I can't escape. The only person I think I can have a better conversation with is my CPN but she's going to be off for a long time I think, if she ever comes back. She is more familiar with my struggles than anyone else.

I don't know what I'm going to do with this terrifying life. I'm trapped. Why was I born?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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