misc writings *Contains upsetting material* how do i get good ideas edition

[MoNo]

Autumn Woes

Autumn leaves leaving
A new leaf setting me free
Ground covered in dead trees
A dead sea, nothing to save
Wind-gust leaves make waves
A tree grave there's no flowers
Overcast sun-shower
This grey hour I live today
Bare branches give me away
I can't stay, I'm losing me
Hoping I can be set free
Endless sea just endlessly
Makes me want to hide inside
A riptide pulls me back in
Autumn woes belay my sin
A muddied floor I abhor
Holds me down like I'm a whore
Blood drips more, fingers tainted
The blatant lies I abade
Take me from this hell I've made
A cold blade rip, tear, flay
Cut my autumn woes away
And I might just live another day.

[MoNo]

Springtime Flowers

Spring showers summertime hours
An early sun and a late moon
I'm hoping that night will fall soon
Less I fall from hot-brick towers
Casket covered in spring flowers
And like my life, it's a late bloom
And like my life, they'll be gone too
Thirty two years I've lived today
Thirty two years have gone away
Past the sun past the sun setting
Passed me by like I'm forgetting
Where I've come or where I'm going
Death wish ideation growing
But I'll live for today again
And pray that tomorrow isn't the end



---

written on my birthday last month
didnt feel like posting it til the feeling in the poem passed

[MoNo]

the abyss
face a cold, dry mask
the tears inside of me fall
shattering like glass
filling up a cup half full
drown this emptiness
take me away from it all
so that i may rest
the abyss beckons, pull, pull
and pray i don't miss
my heart hammering the call
as i squeeze my fist
tears this time of night feel cool
as i awaken from the abyss

[MoNo]

last new years resolution

it's coming to an end
hopelessness my only friend
and nothing to lament
as i lie on this cement
there's no hope from the start
where you'll find my broken heart
where my mouth's filled with bile
where i've walked a thousand miles
there's no smile at my core
another thing to abhor
another score counting
my heresy amounting
to nothing on this day
a dream to take me away
an endless sleep i hope
as i tie this hangman's rope
i pray my neck can hold
suicidal endless cold
an end without a fight
is what i live for tonight
hoping new year comes
hoping that i don't succumb
hoping another year goes by
hoping i don't have to say goodbye
and maybe i don't have to die

[MoNo]

everything is so meaningless
i don't smile anymore
i don't cry anymore
i don't sigh anymore
i don't try anymore
thinking of my meaninglessness

everything is so worthless
i don't do anything
i don't trust anything
i don't move anything
i don't lust anything
sinking in my worthlessness

everything is so happyless
i don't care anymore
i don't give anymore
i don't share anymore
i don't love anymore
frowning at my happylessness

everything is so powerless
i don't fight anything
i don't long anything
i don't right anything
i don't wrong anything
drowning in my powerlessness

[MoNo]

Friendlessness is my only friend
Together with you til the end
I don't need you, nor myself
And I don't need any help
Lest my forgotten heart rend
Lest I forget how to mend
Lest I fall from this tower
Lest I fall on this hour
One day I might save myself
One day I might ask for help
Until I fall to my death
Until I take my last breath
And death might lead me astray
And death might take me away
Away I am, forever
Away I fall, a feather
Back and forth and back again
Waiting for my life to end
I smile at my circumstance
I'm smiling at my last dance
The devil smiles back at me
Whispering "I'll set you free"
I whisper back a prayer
I'm wishing for a saviour
Nothing saves me again but
Suicidal ideation
Cigarette enters my mouth
As my razor drags down south
I'm opening up to you
Skin separates out in two
Blood flows down my arm: my friend
Repeating this cycle again
Over and over I go
Hoping my will will not slow
Hoping I can cry today
Hoping I can die this day
But I get neither again
Oh devil, my only friend
I just wish for my freedom
I pray it's free and not dumb
But my life goes on this time
It's ticking, a clock so fine
Tick tock tick tock tick
Each tick is making me sick
Endlessness it endlessly
Ticks down til the end of me
If anyone's listening just set me free
I need to f***ing die
I need to f***ing die
I need to f***ing die
And I'm wondering why
Is it because I'm alone
Is it because I'm on my own
I'm feeling this way again
Just give me my happy end
Just give them something to grieve
Just give me somewhere to leave
Please end me, this hopelessness
Please befriend me, I'm friendless
Just maybe I can save me
Just maybe I can be me
Just maybe I won't see my end
Just maybe I can have a friend
Who am I kidding, I guess
As I said, I am friendless
I might love the razorblade
Yet this love will only fade
Like the rest, it all falls short
My heart's cold, feelings abort
Away unto empty space
Away to my empty place
I guess I'm praying again
Please don't take me to my end
And maybe I can be my friend.




---

just drunk word vomit i wrote last night that barely passes as poetry
it's interesting to see how i think, though

[MoNo]

darkness settling over my eyes
i despise what i've left behind
another kind of sadness today
another hell to take me away
away i fall into endless lies
away go my eyes, i'm blind
to all the s**t i have to see
to all the things i have to be
so i won't be alone on my own
if loneliness kills then take me
loneliness forsake me again til the end
loneliness forsake this life i can't mend
broken in two like the skin on my arm
split in half and bleeding apart
until the end until the start
and surely i'll self-harm again
and surely i'll bring me my end
endlessness ending me endlessly
endless calls for help to be free
fingers down my throat once more
disgusting habit i abhor
choking on myself i hurl
choking as my body curls
head swirls, all this self destruction
leading to and fro, my corruption
a seduction of self hatred i live
a love of self mutilation i give
to myself on this day again i pray
that one day i may take me away
but nothing comes, only emptiness
my heart filled with nothingness
somethingness can't exist to me
something has really got to give
emptiness might have set me free
but emptiness has really let me live
nothing to grieve, i did this to myself
and this may be a call for help.
(but it's not coming, it never does)
(a decade alone proves i can't be loved)
(there's nothing for me, just sorrow)
(yet i'll live today and tomorrow)
(suicidal ideation hollow)

[MoNo]

repetition

Life in harrows life in old sorrows

Taking me away from this place

Taking me to my empty space

Where I don't have to feel these horrors

Where I might just wake up tomorrow

Feeling this doom this true this summer

And I might find myself again

And I might find myself a friend

As this endless gloom makes me suffer

As I begot my life, it's tougher

I'm feeling rougher than yesterday

While I'm praying to end this life

While I'm just living without strife

A life too easy is hard this way

A life I'm hoping to take away

Nothing loves me, nothing really does

This emptiness I feel is hard

This emptiness I can't discard

Hoping there's something for me above

Hoping there's someone for me to love

This emptiness, I'm slowly dying

Sighing that I won't save myself

Sighing that I won't get help

But in the end I'm only trying

But maybe all this time I'm crying

No tears falling from my empty eyes

The sky's so grey this summer day

The sky might just take me away

Please don't believe me, I'm telling lies

Please don't believe that I want to die

Death doesn't come easy, not to me

My fruitless life is emptiness

My rootless life is in this place

Praying that something will set me free

Praying that someone will let me be

But be together with me I hope

That I can live again this year

That I can be me without fear

Yet my neck tightens against the rope

Yet my mental state will always cope

As I hope to die today again

Nothing is left for me, nothing

Nothing is left in my something

Where can I find love, or just a friend

Where can I find somewhere to just end

Maybe I got too close to the sun

Just maybe my life was meant for one.

[MoNo]

a day at the beach

Empty waves crashing onto the shore
Dangerous current the sign reads
Dangerous thought, current needs
Just take a swim and you'll be no more
I'll swim until I take me away
The shoreline's sure fine this time of day
Try as I might, I'm back on the shore
Coughing and heaving up water
The sun burns my eyes as I sought her
And a salty taste that I abhor
Grains of sand running through my fingers
Like my emotions, they don't linger
As I pick myself up off the floor
Counting away one by one by one
There's nothing left but the blazing sun
And the vast deep blue forevermore




---

it's pretty pathetic to still be rocking the black longsleeves at a beach in 2022 but it is what it is.

[MoNo]

I never feel anger anymore
Just feeling the way I've felt before
It doesn't matter what's occurred
My empty heart feels forever sore
Nevermore can I feel the absurd
I'm speaking tongues, meaning with no words
And there is nothing left in me
Nothing you say will ever be heard
Like a bird, my feelings flying free
Heights taking me to where I can't be
I fall like a rock in the sky
And just like a rock I cannot bleed
Blood flows freely and seemingly why
Did I decide its my time to die
Did I decide I don't belong
These crazy thoughts like the wind they sigh
I want to cry, but it's just so wrong
Anxiety singing like a song
Please just save me from me again
Please save me from this path that's so long
My heart's wrong I will never have friends
In this life all I see is the end
There will never be a saviour
In my anger I only upend
Always rending this bad behavior
Is how I cope, don't trust my favors
All I trust is the will to leave
It is how I live with my failures
Tailored to this hell I receive
Keep writing so I don't have to grieve
Just sit and rhyme these f***ing lines
Maybe today I'll have time to breathe
Never me, I'll never blame myself
If it gets hard I won't ask for help
Maybe I just won't ask at all
And in the end I will only fall

[MoNo]

on the train at 9pm

I am so sure I am disgusting
Eyes pass me by like I am nothing
No one looks at me like a friend
I guess I am just dirt in the end
A thousand people walked by me this day
And not one person looked my way
Just f***ing kill me I want to die
I want to cry but I just sigh
My nothingness is killing me
But no emotions set me free
Locomotion my heart it goes
Across train tracks I made I suppose
This emptiness is all consuming
And the end of the track is looming
I chug along, no destination
Just a prayer for my devastation
I have to be faulty or broken
Can't return a package that's open
So just return me to endless rest
But maybe today I'll try my best
And I can live without being depressed


--


reflections

It's hard to breathe choking on myself
I pray for help but it never comes
Succumbing to a feeling so numb
Overcoming this hell I have walked
I never talk never asked for you
We're through but I don't know who you are
These jagged scars lay across my arm
It's self harm and always covered in sleeves
My heart's a sieve, drained of all emotions
This prognosis left me so hollow
And tomorrow I may find myself
And I cant ask for help so please help me
It's lonely and I want to just die
I cannot cry or even lament
Heart's cement it dried long ago
Cracks in a row along my body
My structure's shoddy everything's broken
I'm not open closed off to your heart
From the start I have not wanted you
Face cracked in two and I don't mean a smile
Spiderwebs vile run up and down my skin
Reflected within this broken mirror.


---

i've been having a lot of trouble coming up with things to write lately
i mostly just mess with stuff like timings and the more technical aspects of poetry

sometimes wish i had nicer things to default to but it is what it is

[MoNo]

quiet footsteps in the night
out of sight but in my mind
i can't find the source of you
did you choose to follow me?
did you see my drunken steps
as i left myself behind?
never mind you don't exist
just a list of things untrue
falsehoods i made me believe
i won't grieve lost innocence
an absence of f**ks i give
just to live an empty life
like a knife i cut them off
insides soft cracked exterior
inferiority complex
thoughts a mess i can't get clean
never been away from home
all alone i'm by myself
just don't help you'll get cut too
right on through get away from me
i can't see a way to be free.