Live Help


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 02-02-2019, 09:07 PM   #1
Heliopath
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Weight restored but not mind restored

Hello. Iím hoping someone might have something to say to help me out. Or relate to me. Or I donít even know. I think I just need to get this out.

For years I swung between borderline obese and borderline healthy weights. Iíd go into hospital for unrelated MH issues and restrict quite heavily and lose to a healthy weight. I never managed to maintain this and the weight would creep on again. Iíve struggled with restriction and over eating for a number of years. 15 in fact.

In 2017 I was in hospital again and lost to a healthy but lowish BMI and I got out near the end of December. I was readmitted in January 2018 and Iíd gained a bit but my BMI was still very healthy. I then started restricting heavily and lost a lot of weight very quickly. I was supposedly underweight but this depends on which standard of healthy BMI you go by.

Anyway. I ended up in the high observation unit as my bp was all over the place and they wanted to monitor me 2-1 and follow instructions set out by an eating disorder Ďspecialistí (sheís a mouldy **** who refused to help me when I was overweight). I was there for three weeks before I consented to eat a bit more and gain weight. Three weeks after that they said I could move back to the regular ward but I had to continue gaining weight or Iíd be sent back there. Now. The reason I did it was to get out of there. I wanted my phone. I wanted my freedom. I wanted to piss in a toilet instead of a cardboard pot so it could be measured. I wanted to see my partner.

So. I was linking in with a dietician and had my meal plan and I gained the weight and the other issues I had were resolved and now Iím at home. The problem is Iíve gained over my target weight and though my weight is stable right now my head is all over the place. I desperately want to restrict and lose weight and skip meals and basically everything I was doing before. Only I canít because my partner insists on my three meals and three snacks a day. And then I find myself picking at junk food and I detest myself.

I donít know what to do. Iíve not had any therapy for this. I donít even know if Iím diagnosed with an eating disorder and Iím too scared to ask. There is no ED therapy in the area other than the woman I canít stand who dismissed me years ago because the number on the scale was too high. Sheíd insist on weekly weigh ins and doesnít even deal with the psychological stuff just the physical. I donít know what to do. I know what I so desperately, desperately want to do but I will literally be thrown back into hospital if I refuse to eat and they will only let me go so far before itís back to high obs.

Iím really sorry for the long post, I donít even know if anyone can say anything to this.

Heliopath is online now   Reply With Quote
4 Hugs Given By :
Old 11-02-2019, 11:04 PM   #2
Pi.R^2
I always have a choice
 
Pi.R^2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: sitting this one out in the safety cupboard
I am currently:

ED treatment sucks. Too often professionals judge the severity of an eating disorder solely on weight and too frequently there isn't enough money/understanding to help people before it reaches a stage when your brain is too starved to really engage in therapy properly. I was 'lucky' to get some help long before hospitalisation would have been needed and even then, the second my BMI went above the anorexia criteria the community nurse discharged me, because clearly 0.1 BMI point makes all the difference between anorexia and fully recovered not needing any help *rolls eyes*

What mental health support do you have? I would use whatever support you do have to talk about food things and work out where these urges to restrict and lose weight are coming from and work on ways to challenge it. Talk to your partner, talk on here, see if there's any charity services in your area. But keep talking until you find someone who will listen and support you because tempting as it may seem, restricting and other eating disorder behaviours never lead anywhere good.

Do you have any ideas what is behind these cycles of restriction and over-eating?

I'm glad that your partner is insisting on sensible meals and snacks. It sounds like at the moment you don't have many reasons to resist the disordered thoughts so at least you've got your partner's support to nudge you towards recovery and hopefully you'll find many more reasons along the way. Are you involved in the food preparation at home very much? It's so silly but I can't tell you how much my relationship with food has improved now that I've got into cooking etc. I love trying out new recipes and ideas and eating stuff that I've made feels good. I don't even know what it is, maybe I enjoy the creativity, maybe it helps with feeling 'in control', but it's helped me enjoy food.

Sorry for this ramble, I hope some of it will be vaguely useful :)



Weíll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


Pi.R^2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-02-2019, 06:39 PM   #3
Heliopath
 
Join Date: Feb 2008

Oh clearly that’s how it works! I don’t think I was ever an anorexic BMi but they made sure I was no longer underweight before backing off a bit. Tbf now they did take it seriously at the time and refed me and all that but I was only eating to get out of there and they didn’t actually give me any psychological support to deal with the mental side of it.

I have a CPN and therapist. When I tried talking to my CPN she quite helpfully said ‘well no one can force you to eat’. So that was a mistake. Began talking about it in therapy a bit last week but that in itself is complicated because it’s more like family therapy - my partner comes in with me and we’re doing a joint approach to keep me out of hospital. Which isn’t working because surprise surprise I’m in again.

I don’t know what’s behind the restriction but I know the over eating is because of the restriction. When all this started as a teenager I was a healthy weight but bullied for being fat so I used to starve all day and be so hungry when I got home that I’d just eat everything. Then when I was more successful at restriction I’d binge and that’d be it ruined and then because I was ‘allowing’ myself whatever I wanted I’d eat it all in vast quantities so that I wouldn’t miss it when I’d starve again. Only the binges would sometimes last weeks/months and then I’d be heavier still.

Now I’m back in hospital the food intake has lessened a little bit and I’m trying so hard not to let it because I don’t want to be in here for months but it’s so hard. At home I do most of the meal prep/cooking these days as my partner is in ill health. It’s just not something I particularly enjoy. Especially as I don’t want to eat it’s like why bother?

Heliopath is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 16-02-2019, 09:20 PM   #4
Pi.R^2
I always have a choice
 
Pi.R^2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: sitting this one out in the safety cupboard
I am currently:

Sorry to hear that you've ended up in hospital. Are the staff there aware of your food difficulties?

I hope that in the long run talking about it in therapy will be helpful. Could you ask for some therapy that's by yourself as well as with your partner if that would make it easier to talk food-wise?



Weíll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


Pi.R^2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Yesterday, 11:02 PM   #5
Heliopath
 
Join Date: Feb 2008

Thanks for replying.

Yeah they are. They’ve been monitoring what I eat apparently. Which has made me even more hyper aware of everything I’m putting in my mouth. It doesn’t help that I’m pretty sure they’re trying to poison me too.

I don’t think therapy with this woman will help the food thing as she’s already said she’s not a specialist. It doesn’t bother me if my partner is there which is something I suppose.

Heliopath is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is ON
Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 02:08 AM.

Back to top