I am so scared of dying its been 5 and half months since i cut so bad had to be rushed by ambulance to resus I think about it and i am so scared i dont want to die so why do i keep cutting? i cant stop its never enough never deep enough i want to see that i have done enough damage that i have been punished i get suicidal and hate it it upsets me so so much because i am so frightened of there being nothing left. yet i dont want to live, i really dont i hate my life i waste every single prescious day feeling this bad and i hate it its a viscious circle i am so scared because i need to cut if im not careful i will kill myself and it wont be intentional but i dont know how to stop this.
I have never sh-ed so badly I was in resus. But I did get to a point were I was in A&E every month or so. Once I turned up 3 days on the trot to A&E. There has been times when I have seen the cut and though 'sh*t I am going to have to go to A&E!' Its hard to stop when its that bad, again I too used to be very scared I would go 'too far' and I guess that stopped be going too far as i was so scared of it. Do you have any support at the moment?
Thank you for your reply. Yes I am getting support, of a kind. Am under a good psychiatrist but my CPN is a bit useless... what exactly are they there for?
I am needing to go to AandE pretty much weekly at the moment and they are seriously fed up with me. I haven't cut that deep really since 'that episode' 5 months ago, but I feel like my coping strategy has been taken away, as now I cant trust it. I cant do what I need to do, so I cant use it properly, so Im doing more and more pathetic minor wounds and Im not feeling the release I need.
When I had to go to resus, in the ambulance I just kept thinking how I dont want to die. I promised myself this would stop... However I still dangerously suicidal and all I can think in my head is I WANT TO DIE. But I have proved to myself that NO I DONT because I very nearly did and it scared the hell out of me.
I am so scared, confused, lost, I feel totally overwhelmed and dont know how to go on.
Hi, I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time. *hugs* I'm a bit short on words right now, but I am thinking of you and wishing you well.
How often do you see your psychiatrist now? It sounds like it would be beneficial to see them more often than you're doing now. Perhaps you could also do with a higher level of support (outpatient or inpatient)? I understand these things probably do not sound appealing, but they will help you get to a safer place and it sounds like you could really use the extra support right now. Also, have you ever spoken to your psychiatrist about medication? I'm personally taking meds for depression/anxiety/OCD at the moment, and they definitely have helped some, so I wanted to suggest the same for you.
Please hang in there and try to stay safe. And please avoid whatever you used or did that one time you had to be rushed to resus so you do not have to experience that again, you truly don't deserve that. I'm so very sorry that happened to you, but I'm glad it helped you to realize that, deep down, you really do not want to die. I'd recommend you speak to your psychiatrist to try to pinpoint those reasons you don't want to die and build off of them.
*Warm hugs*
"It's not a dream anymore. It's worth fighting for."
"Well, if it's not real you can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it.
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah" - Paramore
I see my Consultant every 3 months or so? but am waiting to see a new one, but my old psychiatrsit who left a few months ago has kept seeing me fortnighlty and were doing psychological therapy till xmas. This is hard but really good to have him to talk to. However I cant really talk about whats happening day to day as that apparently is what my CPN is for, but to be honest she is totally useless she has no idea how to help me.
My 'diagnosis' is emotionally-unstable personality disorder, borderline type. Therefore apparently I do not have clinical depression or anxiety, although my symptoms include depression and anxiety. Whatever. I have had severe depression for over 10 years and anxiety for just as long. I take antidepressants and anxiety meds.
I have been asking so much for more help, my CPN says I dont need inpatient, I dont really want to be in hospital I just cant manage feeling lilke this.
When I cut 'that time' it was no different to what I normally do which is what is so scary, I didn't know I had done any damage till it was too late. Therefore I am sort of stopping myself when I do cut, so I never feel I have finished or done enough. How pathetic.
perhaps you can make something to remind yourself of why you don't want to die, and what things you have to live for. you could make a poster, or a list to keep in the place where you keep your tools, or you could make a recording to listen to when you're feeling really down, or a video to watch, to help keep you focused on staying safe...
have you tried to replace self harming with a positive coping mechanism? it is really really difficult to quit if you don't find something else to handle your emotions with...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
You are not pathetic at all.
Could you ask for a new CPN if you feel that she is not helping?
Being told that you do not have depression & anxiety when like you said you have had it for over 10 years and are taking meds for it must be really horrible and invalidating. At the end of the day, YOU know what you feel, what your thoughts are etc. You know yourself best.
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?