*hugs LauraFriend* thats not pathetic, its change and we humans are crap at change. Be nice to yourself. Did u manage to resist cutting? I hope ur looking after yourself and keeping safe, whatever you did or didn't do. Im sorry ur struggling with this so much
Oh April Sweetie. I'm sorry u felt so crap after eating a lot, i get like that too sometimes, i love to eat and often cant stop myself and then i feel really ill and want to purge to feel better - disordered eating in my case, not an ed. I hope seeing your therapist does help hon. Dont worry too much about ur work sweetie, i always procrastic with everything, i know it can make u feel shitty but u'll get it done, i know u will. Just a couple days of hardwork, you'll get the motivation, it will come at some point. Could u let the prof know whats going on and that ur struggling? from my experience teacher/prof types love to be kept in the loop.
I'm feeling really wound up, i dont know why but i'm a ball of stress atm! I need a release, all i can think of is the warm feeling of cutting but i know that wont help. I just want a release. I've tried throwing things and destroying things. When i was driving all i wanted to do was slam my foot on the peddle and speed. Eek! It doesnt feel like its my own emotion, it doesn't feel like an emotion. I dont know what this is, i dont know why im feeling it.
i dont think he gets how much he's ****ing around with my head. i can't deal with this. i really really can't do this anymore. if he wanted me or didn't want me, i could deal with it. but this ****ing around i can't deal with.
i want to vanish
x
The greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all
*huggles everyone* sorry no individual responses.. there have been so many since i was last on.
hm.. going to dinner w/ my bf and that other girl.. should be interesting... and prolly awkward.
On a different note.. i was actually able to write something. I love writing but the muse hasn't hit me in awhile. Was nice.
<3
forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past - buddy wakefield
Sorry no individual replies .... I don't want to forget anyone.
I just got back from a visit with my new private pdoc. I'm seeing him at his private clinic but the government is paying for it. It went okay.
He has upped my seroquel to 1000mgs and is talking about adding an anti-depressant that has no serotonin in it - because I can't handle AD's with serotonin and they want to stay away from the tri- and tetra- cyclics. Purely conjecture at this stage.
He told me that because he was seeing me privately it was still my responsibility to call the crisis line or go to the hospital if I was in a crisis. Not that either the crisis line or the hospital would actually do anything useful. I think that they would be unable to find their arse (should they have an arse) with both hands (should they have hands). They are completely incompetent. A good nuking would improve the stock 10000000 fold
Meh.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Sorry, am not in a place for many individual responses but wanted to say, Alan, I know kind of how you're feeling right now. Please take care of yourself the best you can...
Just posted in my venting spot, didn't want to flood this thread so you can read it if you want to. No pressure.
:(
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*hugs alan* im sorry you feel lonely. Be careful if u are feeling destructive. As april said, take care of yourself.
*hugs april* good luck with ur therapist tomorrow. Maybe you should talk to her about how u've been feeling about her... Hope you are less anxious soon.
*hugs kahlia* glad things went ok with ur new pdoc. Im sorry that the hospitals aren't helpful out there that really sucks.
*cuddles helen*
*hugs everyone else*
Ugh.. class tomorrow.. Im tired of this semester already.. time for new classes.
<3
forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past - buddy wakefield
I'm starting to feel that I don't fit in anywhere. This depressed mood has been going on so long now and I can't see an end in sight. I just want to run away. I keep feeling it would be better for everyone if I was dead, but I don't want to hurt people the same way that I was heart when Jem suicided. I'm scared that I'm seriously going to hurt myself.
Maybe I should just give in, or sit in a dark corner until I disappear.
I'm sorry for being such a gloomy bitch.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Kahlia, Keira and LauraFriend, be strong. You're worth more than these feelings and thoughts that are consuming you. Hold on to life, even be it seems to be the only thing that doesnt make sense. Hold on loves. *cudles to you all* I know how you are feeling, stay strong with me, I cant do it on my own x x x
*Hugs Alan* Dont think we've properly met, i'm Jocelyn welcome to the ward I know the feeling of wanting to destroy something. Did u manage to get it out? were u safe? I hope today goes better for u x
*Cuddles Helen* How are you feeling hon?
*Squishes LauraStar* I hope you have a good day at uni. What are u studying? Are you coping ok with it?
*Attacks April with squashy cuddles* I havent read your rant thread yet, i'll go and have a little looksies now. I hope you're alright sweetie. How's your work load going hon? x x x
I dont really know what im feeling, still feeling like i need a release, but not as intense as last night. I have a long day at the hospital today, my first back at work since i've not been v well. little bit scary. but i need to go and get some camouflage stuff tonight for my arms. eek i'm really very nervous!
April, hold on sweetie! Jarrod loves you, all of you. You are not the burden that u are feeling like atm. Life wont always seem this bleak love. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I love you so much April, you are such a valuable part of our family here, we need you and love you and want the best for you. Stay strong sweetie, ride out the storm x x x x
*cuddles Kahlia* You're not a "gloomy bitch," sweetie. You're simply ("simply") struggling with a lot of feelings & thoughts right now that in a perfect world just would not exist. We're here to support you - don't worry about individual replies right now unless you feel up to it - that's fine. Feel free to keep posting though because we care about you & want to make sure that you're still hanging in there. *more cuddles* ♥
*huggles Kiera* What's up, hon? what's "making" you feel this way - anything external to yourself?
*cuddles Helen* How're you doing, love?
*huggles LauraFriend* Maybe have a talk with him to let him know your feelings on the matter? (about not being able to take him "****ing around")... because that would probably be the best thing I can think of. But sweetie, I'm really sorry that you're feeling so rubbish. :( Is there anything that I can do to help??
*cuddles LauraStar* I understand totally about the uni stuff!! Holy ****, do I understand... :( Wish I didn't though... I wish I could resign up for a new term with different classes (that still filled my requirements for graduation)... so yeh. YUCK. I wish that you felt better about your classes too. ♥
*tackle-squishes Jocelyn* :) Thanks for the support, & for taking the time to read my venting spot. Not a lot of people do, or at least give me feedback - which is fine, I know that journals are more meant for that - but I don't want to fill up my journal with rantings!! lol. Anyway... I know that Jarrod loves me, but it feels - and I know that feelings can't really be trusted - like I'm a burden, just baggage. :(
Good luck at the hospital today!! I hope that it goes splendiforously. *cuddles*
I'm really tired... forced myself to get up at 6:30am even though I could've slept in until seven. My mum's picking me up in a bit to go to my therapist's as my car isn't working still (she - the car - is going to be fixed tonight, well, dropping her off tonight to be fixed tomorrow morning). So I have to be ready for that... & I wanted to get on WoW for a bit too... ugh. I feel so stupid. I am so slow... I really need to get this portfolio for uni ready but it's taking me forever as I have hardly anything for it... it feels like I am sinking, drowning in the waters of uni. Hopefully it's not due today!!!! *cowers*
*hides*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Awh Kahlia, love, is there anything I can do to help? *holds you gently as you cry*
I'm beginning to feel like crap myself. :( Dunno why, guess dreading the appt with my therapist?
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*cuddles everyone, try stay safe guys, please* Kahlia, I would hate for you to commit suicide :( I've known you for what over a year now, maybe closer to two, not sure. But you've come through so much - you can do this babe.
For those who asked how I am, I feel really awful. My chest is really really hurting. Has been on/off past couple days (flashbacks triggered it I think) but today is the worst =( Normally doctors put it down to anxiety/stress, not sure if it is just that, because I am really stressed or something else :( Making me feel like I can't breathe, thus trying to make me panic, thus panic attack. Having a bit of a bad day, didn't sleep for ages, woke up at 10am, rang my best friend and didn't want to face the world, so went back to sleep and slept til 2pm (now 3pm ha). Attempting to tidy my room today :/ or least make a start on it. Just want to curl up and die for a while, too much pain. Plus scared that if I cry, that I'll start off a breakdown of sorts like I had last year, I don't want to go through that agin, don't want to put my best friends through that, I never want to self harm (ha will probably happen), od or attempt suicide again. :'(
I have to be strong for everyone right now. One of my best friends says I don't with her, but deep down, I do have to really, although she's on her way back up :) 3 weeks til I go see her woop.
Supossed to be seeing my boyfriend in 3 days. We have a long distance relationship. It sucks. We haven't seen each other since last March (when we were first together). Bit nervous about it, espically as he's probably stopping over....
*cuddles Helen* Sounds like you've been going through an awful lot, love. Wish I could help more than I can. :( I'm sorry about your chest hurting leading to a panic attack; been there done that before.
"Shouldn't" you be more excited about seeing your boyfriend? Long-distance relationships do suck; my husband & I were 1200 miles away from each other from 2006-2007 (although long-distance friends from 2004), which was awful... especially as in December 2006 I got engaged. So yeah. It was pretty icky... I missed him sooo much. But what's making you nervous, Helen? other than the "haven't seen him in almost a year" thing? *hugs* In any case, I hope that it goes well for you. Have you been in touch a lot since last March?
Sending chocolates (calorie-free of course!! :D), love, & hugs to all of you... ♥
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*hugs jocelyn* hope you have an okay day at work. I am studying journalism (with a focus in web design) and psychology... I usually cope with school fine but this semester really sucks. I have tons and tons of work. I think what is worse to is that I thought this would be a more "fun" semester, but my classes didn't turn out that way at all.
*hugs april* Maybe our classes will get easier as time goes on (but i kinda doubt it... heh, wishful thinking..) Hope you are feeling better. Let us know how the therapist goes.
*cuddles kahlia* please don't give in! Hang in there hun.
*hugs helen* sorry about the chest pain leading to panic attacks.. That sounds like it sucks really bad. Try to keep busy/distracted so that you don't breakdown (i know that's easier said then done..) Long distance relationships can be really hard... although mine was only long distance for like 3 months... but still...
Way way way overslept today. Good thing i don't have class until this afternoon but i was hoping to get some stuff done. Guess not..
Trying to fight some pretty bad urges. I feel like every little stress is triggering my bad thinking, which is quite ridiculous.. I feel stupid.
<3
forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past - buddy wakefield
Have been really busy this afternoon. New month, new motivation? :P Have cleaned the living/dining room (wasn't that messy), tided, cleaned & hoovered the kitchen, tided & hoovered the hall & stairs, started tidying my room, done a load of wash and another one waiting to start, oh and cooked me and my mum dinner =D Well my family say how I rarely do anything without being asked, never cook for me and mum etc :p So yeah, finally listening :P
I have to say April, that I have been going through an awful lot. Some of which I haven't posted about, partly because of people it concerns are on here and I could get done for flaming (Y) You do help, believe me. Chest hurting and panic attacks suck. I should be more excited, I think I'm still in the mindset of not beliving it til I see it. I am a little excited. Ouch 1200 miles apart suck, luckily ours is less than 100 (well I think, may be more). Not suprised you missed him so much.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : adult/could be triggering for sa
I think I'm nervous of how things might turn out *whistles* I don't know? I haven't..you know..since that word nearly 6 years ago. Haven't really had any good relationships or even long ones til this one. Haven't even wanted to. I'm trying not to think about what may/may not happen or I'll put far too much pressure on myself :/ Which I have been doing..Argh this so embrassing haha!! *hugs both of you*
Thank you, I'm sure it will go well :) We've been in & out of contact since last March. We broke up, got back together, broke up for a second time, didn't really talk, started being friends, tried for a 3rd time, I panicked and ditched him, we didn't then really talk much til Sept/Oct, and then we got back for a 4th time in November. Haven't split up since, we've had our arguments/troubles but we're trying to make more of an effort and stuff =( But I've been refusing to go see him til he visits me. It's not fair on me. So been waiting for him to visit since Apirl (he nearly made it up in April & June, but we split before he could come haha).
Thank you Laura for yourp ost aswell :) *cuddles* Don't feel stuipd btw x
April: I don't think so I'm afraid. I'm going to ask to try Topomax as a new mood-stabilizer when I next see my pdoc - which will be sometime in March. And I'm really worried because I see my new tdoc on Thursday and I think they are going to charge me $160.00 which is going to mean I can only see them infrequently ... even with my mental health plan which is supposed to give me free sessions.
I just don't know what to do.
*continues crying*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
*cuddles helen* wow you seem to have a ton on ur mind. Try not to put pressure on yourself. Just make sure you stay within what your comfortable with.. which u prolly don't even know yet since u haven't seen him.. play it by ear i guess. Seems like you guys have had an up and down relationship, its good that you are getting to see him. I think i would be really nervous too if i was in ur position.
p.s. when u were talking about tidying up your place and you said that you "hoovered" i laughed b/c my boyfriends last name is hoover.. and we call it vacuuming.. so whenever i hear someone call vacuuming hoovering i think its hilarious.. sorry u prolly had no desire to know that but o well lol.
*cuddles kahlia* sorry things are so hard and that you still are not getting as much help as it seems that you need. Its good that you are still trying though with seeing new doctors and all...
Stay safe everyone.
<3
forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past - buddy wakefield
![[Awakening]'s Avatar](image.php?s=e9f461b1c1a90e46895e916f04aa474a&u=17767&dateline=1333971866)
![[Awakening] is offline](images/ca_morpheus_blue/statusicon/user_offline.gif)
I know the feeling of wanting to destroy something. Did u manage to get it out? were u safe? I hope today goes better for u x 
