366. So you're not wracking your brains to find something that is 'safe' to stop those hunger pains or to stop you passing out.
367. So your mind is consumed with normal things rather than weight, scales, calories, food, being fat...
368. So people know what to say to you.
370. So my grammy doesn't have to bury another grandchild
371. So I can stand in the shower and put my hands up to wash my hair without my heart rate doubling.
372. So I can be healthy to finish nursing school and care for others, rather than being the one being taken care of.
373. So I can stop lying to everybody.
374. So I can stop being a hypocrite.
375. So I can unpack my 'just in case I get hospitalized' bag.
376. So I can stop spending holidays in the hospital.
377. So I can eat a meal with my family or a friend, rather than only eating in my bedroom alone.
378. So that there is no longer that 'giant elephant in the room' awkwardness.
379. So my organs can heal and function without the burden of me kicking my own ass everyday.
I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
383) So you don't stare in disbelief when you find out that tiny girl that was your thinspiration wears the same jeans size as you.
384) So you can wear colors that are not black just because it's the only color that doesn't make you look "chunky"
385) So your msn status updates are no longer about how terrible you feel for eating.
386) So you don't constantly suck in your tummy because you can't stand the tiny bulge.
387) So you recognize the person in the mirror again.
388) Because lettuce gets boring.
389) So you're no longer "too ugly to have pictures taken"
390) So your dog doesn't have to suffer when you can't take him for regular walks because you're too weak to stand.
392) Friends will stop hurting and being confused.
393) Be able to go into work, be offered sweets and EAT them without worrying and enjoy it.
394) Know that you are able to actually get up in the morning and pursue your day.
395) Realise how much everyone actually cared rather than drowned in false thoughts about yourself - your friends who knew will cheer you on if recovering.
396) Having to hide and remember to hide your food diary, of which one time you forget is not something easily answered to.
397) Walking down the street happy with who you are is better than thinking everyone is staring cos you're fat- when actually you may be underweight.
398) Having your hair not fall out!
399) (If you're female and age dependent) Knowing it's ok for you to have a baby safely.
400) Knowing your body can handle illnesses and accidents; getting well is quicker.
My Scars Remind Me That My Past Is Real
Just to take a breath each day is sometimes the hardest bit to enjoy about ourselves.
401) So you're able to concentrate on studying without constantly thinking about food
402) To be able to go for a meal with friends/family and not spend forever deciding what the lowest calorie meal is
I was lay in bed a while ago thinking about relapsing back into my eating disorder, I was craving so badly all of the things I thought it gave me. I was coming to the end of my degree so I thought to myself "no, you need to stay strong, your ED will put your degree at risk". Ok then, I'll wait till I have graduate then I can give in and do it properly this time, but wait, then you will have a job (hopefully) you need money, you need experience more importantly you need your health otherwise you will be useless in the lab. Ok I'll wait till I start my PhD (I was planning a year off before starting my PhD), sorted I can relapse then, I know its a bit of a wait but when I do it properly it will be so worth it. Hang on a minute missy moo, I am pretty sure you need your wits about you to do that too and that doesn't work when you are in the grips of an eating disorder.
There is NO GOOD TIME for an eating disorder, it will always take you away from what you really want to do. It threatens to destroy you and you will never feel like you have done it "properly".
409) Because my bones are suffering and cracking whenever I move
410) Because I want nice, beautiful, healthy teeth
411) Because I want to have a possibility to have children one day
412) Because very few men like too skinny girls
413) Because I want a normal relationship where food and my eating is not the main thing we talk about and fight about
414) Because I want to enjoy a glass of wine without thinking how many calories it has
415) Because I want to have a romantic dinner and enjoy it and not focus on what I'm eating
416) Because I want to enjoy trying different food when I travel and not panic trying to find my safe food in Asia
417) Because I want to gain muscles and normal body fat and look healthy
418) Because I don't want to regret one day for wasting the best years of my life obsessing about food
419) Because I want to relax and enjoy life