Triggering - Story - Untitled at the moment Triggering suic. SI, OD, ED, Sexual Abuse, Mental and Physical Abuse
UNTITLED AT THE MOMENT TRIGGERS FOR: SELF-INFLICTION,OVERDOSE,EATING DISORDER,SEXUAL ABUSE, PHYSICAL AND MENTAL ABUSE, SUICIDE
Chapter 1
I wake up in a cold sweat with a burning pain shooting through my chest. I wonder what time it is, and curiosity kills the cat, so as I try to roll over the pain shoots through my side and I am left immobilized, on the floor. The floor. Such a hard, smooth surface. I don’t remember how I got here, and I’m not sure if I even remember where I am. I try to sit up, to once again, look at the clock, but there’s no luck. I shift my weight, and turn onto my stomach, hoping for success. The only response from my body was the shooting pain in my left side again. I inch my way over towards the bed to help myself up; my stomach jolts, and I collapse in a heap on the floor once again. I see everything go fuzzy, but I can’t recall what’s happening. I have no recollection of what had happened the night before, but I know I almost died.
My memory comes back vaguely. I remember a bottle, it’s empty. Pills are spilled out on the floor, and the folding table I had by the couch. I remember a bottle of vodka, but I don’t recall if I drank it all or not. My vision goes blurry again, and my stomach jolts as I remember. I spew forth everything I drank from the night before, and my stomach jolts again. Chunks of bile, and little green pills, about the size of a chewed to the skin pinky nail. I fell a little better, but as I try to move again, my stomach jolts once again, and I heave a mass on the floor. My eyes are fluttering, and my mind is going in and out, along with my eyesight. I roll towards the opposite direction of the puke and lay still as the pain shoots forth again. I turn to my side and pass out.
No, stop.
He’s got me pinned against the ground, I’m crying, and there’s dirt going into my mouth.
please. stop it. Austin, please. why are you doing this?
my eyes tear open and I find myself able to sit up and crying. Tears roll down my face as I try endlessly to stop them from spilling from beneath my eye lids. I reach for the blade on the edge of the bed, (What was it doing there?) and pull up a sleeve from the sweater I was wearing the night before. I notice fresh cuts from before I get any further. This must be why the blade was on the bed in the first place. I look past them and notice the bruising on my lower wrist,(probably from when that freak grabbed me in the mall). Was that the reason I went berserk? Yes, yes I think it was, it’s all coming back now.
I lay back again, and release the knife from my hands, and let myself fall back into a deep sleep.
“What’s the matter baby girl, you scared? What are you so scared for”
He begins to unzip my pants, as I attempt to squirm away from his grasp.
“What are you doing?”
“What you don‘t trust me? Now that doesn’t seem fair…..have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?” His nails haven’t been cut in ages, and there’s dirt from the ground below me in his nail beds. He’s digging them into the flesh of my wrists, and releasing blood. It stings.
“Austin please, you’re hurting me”
“oh, I‘m hurting you am I? Well what about me? Does it always have to be about you? What about what I f****** want? huh?”
“NOTHING is ever about me”
“Well, if you weren’t such a dumb bitch, maybe you‘d see that you got a price to pay”
“Let me go! Austin! Stop!”
“I told you……..If I were to ever catch you cutting again….. you‘d regret --”
I jolt awake once again. This time there are no tears, but I find that I’m shaking uncontrollably. I hate those dreams. I try to stand, and am successful this time. I sit on the edge of the bed and vomit once again. I see the remains of what’s not been dissolved of the pills, and I can feel the blood running down my arm. I walk to the bathroom, wash my face, and bandage my arm… For the first time today, I'm wide awake. I know it was all a dream, btu I hate them. I just wish I could stop dreaming sometimes. Forget that day. Though as hard as I try, I never will. I guess I've always known that, But I still wish.....
The phone rings adn I jump. I don't answer; instead I pop an Advil (though I know I shouldn't), clean up my floor, adn go back to bed. He is still lurking in my mind. Whoever's callign wasn't planngin on leaving a message. The phone rings 3 more times and each time the pompous ass hangs up before the beep. My eyes flutter and I fidn myself asleep. When I wake up, I discover no tears, no shaking. But instead, my best friend Alli, hovering over me, tears swelling in her eyes. So she was the oen that called?
She seems worried.
"Xoe, you didn't..."
"I didn't what?"
"Xoe, you're bleeding!"
"And it looks as if I care?"
She pulls up my sleeve without warning, and lets out a gasp that sounded as if she'd just been shot.
"Oh my god! Xoe! I'm gettign you to the hopital"
"Calm down ok? I'm sure it's not that bad."
"Not that bad? NOT THAT BAD!? Xo, what were you thinking!? You could've died. Then what would I have done?"
I look down at my arm. To my suprise, they're longer than usual, and much worse than i thought they were; For the 1st time, I've realized how much of an animal I've become. I did a lot of damage this time. I won't admit it though. I make a joke to try and cheer her up (though I know it's not going to work).
"Oh.....that? Yeah, I got attacked by fat ass squirrels last night. There must have been a thousand of them; they were all over the place!"
I crack a smile, hoping she will ease up a bit, and crack one too. No response. I pull down my sleeve, which by now of course, is saturated with blood.
I lie back down, and roll towards the wall. She stands for a moment, silently. I can feel her eyes burning holes in my back. I think she's going to walk away, so I listen closely. Nope. Instead she then sits at the foot of my bed and begins to sob. First softly, to where I can barely hear it, then louder. I pretend not to hear her.
.................I'm a shitty friend..............
Last edited by littlebylittle_daybyday : 15-03-2009 at 01:51 AM.
Reason: breaks and indents where they shouldnt have been
Isn't it amazing, How you always think you have nothing left to live for,
but when
you meet that one, true, love; everything turns around?
*may trigger* BE SAFE WHEN READING THIS PART. PLEASE Chapter 2
My hair is caked with mud, but I don’t care. I lean against a nearby tree, and he sits there, staring at me.
“How’d you like that?”
He acts as if I wanted it.
I’m totally oblivious to the fact that I’m dirty and crying. I’m bleeding; from my lip, my left cheek bone, my leg, my arms, and other places. Too many places to count on all my fingers and toes together. I can feel the bruises forming on my face. My eye is swelling shut and my wrists and breasts are cut up from his fingernails. They sting, and I grimace in pain, but I’m unaware of which is greater, the emotional pain, or the physical.
“Happy now? See what I had to do because of you?”
I don’t answer. I just keep a blank expression. I stare at something. I’m not sure what that something is, but I’m staring at it. He rises from the rock he’s sitting on and he walks towards me.
*This is the most triggering part, so to be courteaous of those who may feel triggered, i hid the content so you dont have to read it. ONLY READ IT IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE READING IT. I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO FEEL TRIGGERED. BE SAFE WHEN READING*
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering for somewhat sexual abuse, and for alot of physical abuse
“Hey bitch, I’m talking to you”
…don’t look at him…
“Hey, are you def?”
Keep staring
“Yo bitch! I asked you a ****ing question!”
Focus on the birds, the sky, the trees
“That’s it. If you make me come over there, you’re gonna get it”
What’s the worst you could do to me now?
“Oh, so you wanna play games? Well, I’ll show you a fun one”
Keep staring
I let out a gasp for air as he grabs me by the hair dangling in front of my face and pulls me to my feet. I don’t’ resist. He bashes my head into the tree I was once sitting against. Tears sting my eyes, and I can feel my head hitting the dry rough surface of the bark. I can feel my scalp split, and I can feel the blood run down the back of my neck. Moments later, no, seconds later, I could feel him holding the back of my head with my hair wrapped around his fist. He punches me, and I can feel my cheek begin to swell beneath my eye. I will not cry again Don’t show your fear.
He lets me go after punching me violently 3 or 4 times, and I slide my back along the tree, it’s bark scraping my bare skin the whole way down. I slump onto my side, on the ground. He appears to be walking away, but he’s not. He begins continuously kicking my legs; then my stomach. He misses, and I receive a blow to the chest. His foot against my bare skin feels like the rage that ripping through me for being so stupid and going on this walk with him. There’s a fire in my rib cage, and beneath my breast. I struggle to breath, but not to get away. I lay still and endure the pain. There’s a loud crack and an even sharper pain shoots through me. F***. I think he broke my rib F***, It hurts so bad…
He stops kicking me and walks back to the boulder he was sitting on before.
“Now... I’ll ask you one more time…”, his voice is raspy, firm and steady, and he accents these words. He begins again, “Did you enjoy that… or am I gonna have to do it again?”
I know I should answer, but I can’t open my mouth. He walks back over to me, picks me up once again by my hair, so that I’m leaning against the tree once more.
He grabs my face in his hands and squeezes. I bite the insides of both cheeks, and grimace in pain. I can taste the blood. He watches my throat bob as I gulp for air. He lets go of my face, and appears like he’s going to strike me again.
But instead he backs away, and says something. I’m fading in and out of consciousness by now, and all I see is a slight movement of his lips. Though I struggle to, I can’t hear what he says. HE says something else, but the only word I hear is pathetic. He suggest we start walking back home.
‘home’, home sounds nice
I hear him speaking as he slips my arms through the straps of my bra, and my shirt over my body. He picks me up by my arms, and stands me up, to where I am leaning against the tree again. That’s the gentlest he’s ever touched me, and yet, it’s still to rough.
He fixes his pants, then zippers mine and I gather my strength as his hand nears towards my body. I start to shake but am trying to hide it. AS we begin to walk back, from the path of hell in which I’d traveled to get here, we both stare silently at the road ahead, as we turn off the trail from the woods.
Isn't it amazing, How you always think you have nothing left to live for,
but when
you meet that one, true, love; everything turns around?
Thanks for the fanclub by the way. It means alot to me... I'm typing up chapters 3 and 4, they'll be up here as soon as possible.
Thanks for the comments too.
And I thought of a title for it.
"Flashback"
~Littlebylittle~
Isn't it amazing, How you always think you have nothing left to live for,
but when
you meet that one, true, love; everything turns around?
wow that is so powerful, i had tears welling up in my eyes, i really can't wait to read what happens next, and i love the new title.
*sits and waits patiently for update*
We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken
I wake up and look at the clock. It reads 3:17pm. I jump up and realize I’m in fresh clothing. One name runs through my head with this realization. Alli
She comes into the bedroom, with pancakes.
Mmm, blueberry…my favorite.
“I Figured you’d be hungry”
“Oh. Thanks. But you didn’t have to go through the trouble of--”
She cuts me off
“I wanted t--”
I cut her off.
“I hope you didn’t stay here the whole time”
“Of course I did silly. Xoe, you’ve been my best friend for how long now?”
“3 ½ years”
“Exactly my point”
“It’s not that long”
“I care about you Xo, I wasn’t going to just leave you passed out in dirty clothes, by yourself, for two whole days”
“Two days?”
“Yeah, you’ve been out since two night ago, when I first came to see you cause you weren’t answering your phone. You had me worried missy”
“I’m sorry?”
“You’re lucky I hadn’t called the emergency room when I found you. I was going to, but then you’d be in knee-deep, or possibly even deeper. You don’t need it, especially right now. And your lucky your parents aren’t coming back from Bermuda until Monday”
“Shit, what day is it”
“Thursday”
“Alli! You missed school for me! How could you do that to yourself?!”
“Xo, I already told you, I’m not going to explain this again…I love you darling! You’re my best friend. I’d give my life for you if I had to.”
“Aw, really?”
“Well…..maybe not that far, but…..”
“Alli!?!”
“I’m jokin’ lovie, Now try and eat something. It’ll be good for you.”
Isn't it amazing, How you always think you have nothing left to live for,
but when
you meet that one, true, love; everything turns around?
The building is an ugly tan color. The sign reads:
“Saint Ikes Mental Health Facility”
in big red letters. Great, red. The color of blood; just the color I need to be thinking about.
My cousin Paige, is checking me in. She’s 4 years older than me, and we’ve always been close. She’s explained it all to my parents already. I’ll be here for as long as they think I need, in order to stop cutting or…self mutilating, injuring, harming…Whatever name they can possibly come up with next.
I stand alone outside the building, and my cousin goes inside. I light a cigarette and try to smoke it, but the smell quickly makes me nauseous, and I see an elder walking towards me by the time I get over it. I quickly put it out, worried that they’ll turn me in for being a “minor”. I’m 16, but I don’t look it. I look 40, and I feel 50. A wave of nausea comes back over me and I clench my jaw to hold it back. You’d never guess I was 16. My eyes are swollen from not sleeping and my mouth is swollen from chewing my lips till they bled.
Note to self: Never intentionally swallow a half a bottle of Midol. It hurts.
Isn't it amazing, How you always think you have nothing left to live for,
but when
you meet that one, true, love; everything turns around?
“My name is Kate. I’ll be your personal therapist during your stay here"
I look around the room. There’s two leather couches, a desk, a cloth chair, another desk…and the obvious.
A box of tissues.
“You wanna tell me why you tried to kill yourself?”
My jaw clenches,
“I didn’t try. I didn’t do it to kill myself. I’ve already told you that.”
“Then why did you do it”
I” didn’t do anything… And what would it matter to you? You don’t even know me”
I start to raise my voice. I take a deep breath and relax
“I had a cramp, and it wouldn’t go away, so I just kept taking it”
“And you emptied whole bottle of that way?”
“It was more like ½ a bottle, and yes”
“do you remember how many you took? Could you take a guess? “
“I don’t know, maybe … 17 or 18”
“That sounds like a lot”
“Nah, not really. I’ve taken more before”
“I thought you weren’t trying to kill yourself? Did you not just admit that you were trying?”
“I didn’t say anything like that. Then I was trying, Now, I wasn’t"
The ticker goes off, and she stands up. I just took notice to the pen and pad she was using to take notes.
Great. She has written records. Now what?
Isn't it amazing, How you always think you have nothing left to live for,
but when
you meet that one, true, love; everything turns around?
4 years free!!!!!!!!
