I'v been offered to be taken out to my fav italian tonight and i cant do it because i have plans with friends tomorow which means il have to eat out then 2......arhhhh
“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.”
----
I'm recovered in that I don't get urges to cut anymore.
But my ED confuses the hell out of me. I'm paranoid every time I step on the scales (which I do about 30 times a day). If my weight has increased at all, even a little bit, I panic.
I am eating, but I don't want to. But I'm trying.
I'm feeling really bad about myself, someone close to me told me i look f*cking awful and told me to look at the state of myself because i look like a skeleton in a really nasty way, I know people have noticed ive lost a bit but to be told in such a blunt way just hurt now i feel discusting.
*hugs raining* its awful when people say things like that, I'm sorry it hurt you. You're not disgusting. But take care... ok?
I was doing alright, I was feeling less down, I thought, well, maybe I can try to let myself eat enough to maintain for a while, but that's all gone out the window now. I feel down, and horrible, and lonely, and REALLY REALLY ugly, hideous, and unloveable... and I NEED to do something about it. I can't go on like this.
Skipped breakfast, piece of bread for lunch, babysitting tonight, early enough to skip dinner... *sigh* I might as well just let myself fall. Nobody will even notice, and I might feel better for it.
*hugs* back
your not horrible and lonely everyones here for you, please dont let yourself fall you sound as if you where doing well whats made you feel this way now?
I already have my eating for the week planned out.
Less than 800 today, going down until less than 50 friday.
And I told myself I'm going to stick to it, I know I can if I try.
I should be fighting this but I don't want to, I'm not at my target weight yet, I have people I need to impress. Ugh.
Hmm so I'm telling people I'm eating more now and stuff, but I guess I'm kind of not? Now instead of having a big dinner and little else, I'm having lunch and other food and then leaving a fair bit of my dinner, so I'm really not eating more than I was in the first place...
I feel bad because someone else in my life is going through so much worse and I don't want to drag her down with my crap
*hugs* It'll have to be done in small steps, and if you get used to eating at different times at the day, you can then start raising the amount you eat at those times?
And don't feel you'll be dragging anyone down, i'm sure she'd just want to be there for you and try to help.
Ali xox
With demons dancing off mirror images reflecting all that you wanted.
So far from perfect, onward we will strive.
Take it for what it's worth, this truth that you've realized.
You're not who you thought you were, it's time to see the other side of what you have become.
*leaps on Vee and smothers with kisses* heylooo my darling! i am sorry to hear you are slipping a bit but hopefully the doctor and nutritionist will help you. its good to see you again honey,, PM me or let me know if you need anything. x
*hugs* It'll have to be done in small steps, and if you get used to eating at different times at the day, you can then start raising the amount you eat at those times?
And don't feel you'll be dragging anyone down, i'm sure she'd just want to be there for you and try to help.
Ali xox
Thank you Ali, you are wonderful I think your right about the small steps, not just with food but with everything...
Ate a bit today but now feel dizzy, could be my sedatives though. Dont know what I should have seeing as I scrutinise every morsel and think anything is too much. :/
L_M_G is my mummy :) inkerman and razorbladedarling are my two non-identical twin sprogs (concieved on same day) Scabette< cos she has the cutest puppy dog eyes and i cant resist!feeling-afraid< my bottle of glitter!! which i just have to have :Pmidnight stars< my gorgeous sister, whom i love to bits ;) Dance With The Fairy< *star*gazing*buddie :] Broken-Fairy is my partner in crime ;) little_miss is my real life saviour PaperClip is my stationary queen
I haven't spoken to anyone for hours and then I got a funny and lovely phone call from a 'slightly' (read: very) drunk friend that cheered me up! I feel much better because of it.
Eugh.
I did't weight myself yesterday, ate properly, all good right?
Well I went to bed feeling horrible.
Weighed myself first thing this morning and I've put on a pound. =[
I feel fat and I can see the collarbones that I've only just got dissapearing under a layer of fat again. *insert expletive here*
Day at work. Had a decent breakfast, so thats one meal.. and for lunch I had a banana and some ryvita corncakes. Felt quite dizzy so when I came home I had an apple. Been on my feet all day, lifting, carrying, stretching etc.
Weirdly I weight less now than I did this morning, and when I say less I mean 2 pounds!! Now going to have tea, will eat a proper meal hopefully. But my portion sizes are seriously screwed up and I eat less than my fist of food for a meal, actually quite a bit less. Dont know what normal is anymore.
L_M_G is my mummy :) inkerman and razorbladedarling are my two non-identical twin sprogs (concieved on same day) Scabette< cos she has the cutest puppy dog eyes and i cant resist!feeling-afraid< my bottle of glitter!! which i just have to have :Pmidnight stars< my gorgeous sister, whom i love to bits ;) Dance With The Fairy< *star*gazing*buddie :] Broken-Fairy is my partner in crime ;) little_miss is my real life saviour PaperClip is my stationary queen
At least you're eating something m'dear. Maybe it would help if you gave yourself a sort of...food timetable? It would give you a bit of a routine, help you plan what you're eating and ensure that you're eating three big meals a day. Just a suggestion, and certainly something to think over.
Take it easy though m'dear. Lifting and being on your feet all day will take a lot out of you. You need energy to keep you going. Stay safe
xo
I think your right about the small steps, not just with food but with everything...
