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Old 15-01-2010, 11:14 PM   #20201
SoMuchMore
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*hugs april* sorry that you are feeling badly right now. And yes i am in the states. University of Iowa. I have a 4.0 too and i always still worry that im gonna screw up in my classes... so ur not alone there. Wow ur schedule sounds hard. Mine wont be horrible this semester as I dont have too many classes left. I am taking: Publication Design, Abnormal Psychology, Science/Technology/Medicene Reporting and Writing, and Perspectives on Leisure and Play (actually not as leisurely as it sound lol)

*cuddles helen* hope you are okay.



<3

forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past
- buddy wakefield

I won't give up if you don't give up



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Old 16-01-2010, 12:36 AM   #20202
Scarletdreamer
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Yey cool, Laura, another US person. :D Lol. Erm yeh, I'm definitely worried about this term. I don't know how it will go... :-X Last term was really rough as I got suicidal halfway through, then had a hypomanic episode, then started getting bulimic urges. :( Anyway... your classes sound cool. I took Abnormal Psych in fall 2007 - good class, that. :) Hope you enjoy it. Do you have a 4.0 overall or just in your major? Either way, it's awesome. *cuddles*

*cuddles Helen* How're you doing tonight, love?

Still feeling really low... sad... just watched an episode of Bones and that distracted me for a bit but not long enough... I really want to purge as I feel soo full from just broth... I hate my life, want to die, want to give up... but I can't, because I have to live for Jarrod. I HATE THIS!!!!!



RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.


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Old 16-01-2010, 02:16 AM   #20203
Kahlia1981
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*cuddles everyone*

I was just starting to trust my tdoc when he opened the locked door that hides all my memories of the SA I suffered as a child. I told him not to, that I wasn't ready for it, but he opened the door and then started saying that he wanted to talk to my mother and my housemate about it. I told him no but couldn't give him a reason ... other than a straight forward I said no and that means no. I wasn't sure that I wanted to go back and see him again, but I went to the appointment yesterday in order to give him another chance, but now I'm wary ... It'll take a bit of time for me to get that trust back.

As for the suicidal thoughts, I really don't know. My housemate and I talked about whether the hospital or crisis team were an option, but the hospital would just send me back home again and the crisis team are about as useful as a bicycle would be to a fish. They take the easy cases - like short term depression - and let the difficult cases hang. At the moment I'm just trying to get through day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute ...

My housemate is trying to get hold of some crutches for me this morning. Both trying to keep from aggravating my ankle, and stopping my other leg (which is bearing all of my not-inconsiderable weight) from getting too sore to use. *sigh* Damn body seems to be falling apart.

*limps around the ward and cuddles everyone she can see then sits down in a corner and cuddles bear*



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 16-01-2010, 05:29 AM   #20204
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*cuddles all*

I woke up at flipping 4am >_> Can I get back to sleep? No :( Had a nightmare about one of my best friends :'(



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Old 16-01-2010, 05:57 AM   #20205
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Sorry...I'm being really drifty. So have only skimmed through the pages since my last post.

KAHLIA!! *hugs* I missed you!!! I hope you're okay sweetness. <3

Helen, I haven't been able to sleep at all yet...planning to go try again in a minute. Nightmares are horrible, but you mustn't let them stop you from sleeping - The nightmare's over and it wasn't real. I really hope you manage to get some more sleep. xxx


I was ready to open up - Maybe try to slip out of denial, just a little bit. But I just don't feel like I should. I don't have any right to whine.
*Crawls back into denial tent*



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x Plumeria Sister x
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Old 16-01-2010, 06:32 AM   #20206
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Hope you manage to get some sleep. I may crawl back into bed in about half an hour and try. But I feel so awake nwo >_> Did the instant I woke up. But laid in bed for a good 40 minutes before getting out and giving up.

You have every right to open up and you wouldn't be whinig!!!!!!! *cuddles tight*



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Old 16-01-2010, 08:07 AM   #20207
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ARWEN!!!! *limps up to you and cuddles you tightly* I've missed you too! I hope you manage to get some sleep hun. Thinking of you.

Helen: I hope you manage to get some more sleep ... sleep loss is a nasty business ... I should know, I have a massive sleep disorder. I hope that you can recognise that it was just a nightmare and can start feeling a bit better/more in control. *cuddles you tightly*

*hugs everyone*

My housemate hired me a pair of crutches for a week. Hopefully I won't need them that long, but if necessary the hire contract can be extended. I'll have a chat to my GP on Wednesday. It's going to make getting on the bus to go to physio at the hospital fun on tuesday. :(

I think I'm just going to curl up in the denial tent for awhile so I can pretend that everything is fine.

*sneaks into the denial tent*



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 16-01-2010, 08:45 AM   #20208
SoMuchMore
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*cuddles everyone*

april- i have a 4.0 overall. And i wish i was able to take abnormal pysch sooner as then i would have more time to take other psych classes that i want.. but iowa has all these prerequistes to that class its ridiculous.. o well, im looking forward to it.

Sorry everyone seems to be having a hard time sleeping. I'm off to try soon myself... its just about 2 am here. Although most of the time i cant sleep until almost morning.. at this point, idk if its becuase i cant sleep or im just on that schedule now.. guess it doesnt matter heh, this is very ranty.. sorry. Goodnight all.



<3

forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past
- buddy wakefield

I won't give up if you don't give up



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Old 16-01-2010, 12:15 PM   #20209
Scarletdreamer
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Aw Helen, I'm sorry that you woke up at 4am. :( I've woken up early like that before and it sucks... waking up at 12:45am is not fun either, especially when you don't get back to sleep until 9am and then only for an hour!! (I got up in between times and spent some time on WoW, journaling, etc...) Ugh. And yeh, remember, the nightmare's just a dream, a really bad one but still just a dream, it's not true. Hope you manage to sneak a few winks here and there today somehow!! *cuddles*

*hugs Arwen* Nice to meet you; I'm April. I think I've seen you around here once or so before? but I'm not sure. Sorry.

*cuddles Kahlia* I'm sorry that the crisis team and hos are so rubbish. :( You need help and I wish I could get it for you... Why would the hospital just send you straightaway back home? Don't they want to make sure that you'll be safe? Doesn't make any sense. :-/ To me, anyway... I hope that you feel better soon... keep going the way you've been, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute at times. *more cuddles*

*cuddles Laura* Wow, a 4.0 overall is amazing!! I've got a 3.805 right now, it just dipped this past semester because even though I got good grades, some weren't A's and so, well, yeah. It's frustrating because I think subconsciously I'm still trying to compete with my sister (who graduated in 2006 at the top of her class of ~900, triple major and a 3.989 overall I think?). GAHHH, that still makes me annoyed... lol. I'm just not a genius like she is... but I guess I do have people skills? :-X which she can lack at times. I dunno. :(

Hope your sleep schedule gets straightened out a bit as uni starts... don't want you to be exhausted all of the time in your classes!! Oh, and what prereqs does Iowa have for abnormal psych? *hugs*

I'm doing okayish, I guess. Just got up a bit ago, had my meds as I was anxious, but am feeling pretty good. Today we'll probably start back up on our exercise routine and see how that goes. Or tomorrow, I don't know for sure. I'm looking forward to it, though... should be good. I want to lose weight soo badly... :( I'm so fat, or feel that way at least. :(

*cuddles for the lurkers*



RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.


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Old 16-01-2010, 01:35 PM   #20210
Strawberry.Bananas
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Heh, who'd have thought that after this long I could still be losing it? Losing the grip on reality that I never really had? Who'd have thought that I wish I could go back 10 years and start again? Well, tonight all of that is stopping. I'm going intoxicate myself with anything that I can find and ENJOY my night.



"Can I ever be truly whole again...



...after being broken so many times?"



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Old 16-01-2010, 02:19 PM   #20211
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*cuddles everyone* Sorry we're all struggling so much right now.

I managed to finally fall back to sleep around 7am. I was texting one of my best friends (the one who's not been in hospital). Was good. Got mroe out of her via texts than I have for days. But it's not the same :'( I want her back now please?? She ironically was in my nightmare, nearly feeling as bad as she does today, but worse in the nightmare. *sighs* Got to be around people all day and night, pretending to be :) :) :) When inside I'm broken and crying my heart out. I'll be fine in a few weeks..

Vicki, *big cuddles*, please be careful??



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Old 16-01-2010, 04:34 PM   #20212
Strawberry.Bananas
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*Big hugs to Helen* Hope you're ok sweet. Not going to be online tonight but text me if you need x

Mmm...maybe. See how it goes...



"Can I ever be truly whole again...



...after being broken so many times?"



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Old 16-01-2010, 06:16 PM   #20213
SoMuchMore
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*hugs kahlia* Hope that your ankle starts feeling better after u've been off it for awhile. Keep hanging in there.

*hugs april* we have to take 2 research method classes, clinical psych, bio psych, social psych, either cognitive psych or child psych, and a certain amount of semester hours completed before we can even think about taking abnormal psych, or any of the other more specific psych classes. It makes sense i guess though as they say that is a harder psych class. That sucks that u think u compete with your sister.. It sounds like you are very smart all on ur own

*cuddles helen* glad that your friend wasnt like she was in your nightmare. Pretending to be happy is so hard sometimes...

*hugs vicki* hope you are okay.

Busy day planned. Hopefully is stays busy. I hate when plans get cancelled.



<3

forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past
- buddy wakefield

I won't give up if you don't give up



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Old 16-01-2010, 06:58 PM   #20214
Scarletdreamer
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*hugs Vicki* Please be careful, love... I often wish I could go back in time and correct my mistakes, or kill myself instead of having to live through the years of pain, or just somehow do things differently, grow up differently. But we can't do that. Please try to take care of yourself... enjoy yourself but don't do anything dangerous. Please... *more hugs*

*huggles Helen* I'm glad that you got back to sleep, and also got to text with your friend. It's good that she's not doing as badly as she was in your nightmare... see... nightmares are just that - nightmares, scary yes, but not real. *holds you gently* I agree, it is difficult to pretend to be happy when you're not, but as soon as you get home you can collapse and be the "real you" ... please don't give up, sweetie. ♥

*cuddles Laura* How're you doing today? Busy is good, I guess - keeps you occupied, as long as you don't feel like you have to put on a happy face the entire time. And that's a LOT of prereqs!!! I feel so inadequate in my field as I have only taken the minimum psych classes required, even though others would be interesting to take. I've just taken other classes, I guess, I dunno. I really don't. It's confusing. :( I wish I had taken child and/or adolescent psych, psych of stress management (God knows I need that!!), death & dying (depressing, heh), etc., etc... so many classes!! But I do have the core classes down that I need, which is good... just if I can only remember the counseling tips that I will need once I start counseling!! :-X Anyway... hope your day goes well and that nothing gets cancelled. What all are you up to? *more cuddles*

I'm doing okay. :) Really tired but it's been a busy morning... played WoW for awhile then went to a little diner-type restaurant for breakfast - first real food since Tuesday!! - and I feel just fine afterwards, too. :D Then we went to Walmart where I got some new clothes (they actually look nice too :-X kind of, fatty that I am) for interviews/my internship/dressy occasions/etc., and also picked up some weights there for our workout regimen. Woohoo. After that we did laundry, dropped off a phone that we found in our apartment's parking lot for a guy at a restaurant (complicated story, lol), and came home. :)

So it's been a busy day. I'm listening to Evanescence now and will probably put away clothes soon... don't feel super great in my head (white noise still) but moodwise I am not too low - if that makes any sense at all. I really struggled not to purge this morning as I knew it would be REALLY easy with all of the food that I ate... how I HATE myself!! :(



RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.


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Old 16-01-2010, 11:23 PM   #20215
MammaMia
 
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Can I die now?



Have left RYL.

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Old 17-01-2010, 12:23 AM   #20216
Scarletdreamer
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NO. What's going on, Helen? Talk to us!! *holds you gently*

I feel like ****. My NP just said that the "white noise" might be pseudohallucinations - not that they aren't real, just that they are in my head versus being audible - I guess?

I want to die, too. I am so sick of this life. And I am NOT READY FOR UNI TO START!!!!!! *cries*



RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.


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Old 17-01-2010, 01:10 AM   #20217
SoMuchMore
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*cuddles helen and april* please try to hang in there. You guys are both great.

Went to the store and got a few books and whatnot, then hung out with my boyfriend for a bit, tonight im going over to a friends for grasshoppers (the drink.. not the bug haha) and hopefully avoiding the drama that is bound to ensue from there..
Busy is good... Yes i do have to put on a mask... but im so used to it that sometimes i can even trick myself into thinking that im okay... It only lasts a few seconds, but it feels supremely fake and real all at the same time. (I could be talking nonsense here, i just had a lot of coffee and im typing a million miles per hour it seems)



<3

forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past
- buddy wakefield

I won't give up if you don't give up



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Old 17-01-2010, 01:28 AM   #20218
MammaMia
 
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*crawls into denial tent and falsl asleep*

I've been so hyper tonight. Crashing. Whats the point?



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Old 17-01-2010, 02:25 AM   #20219
Kahlia1981
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*cuddles everyone*

I just want to disappear ... I don't want to be around any more. :(

*disappears into a dark corner with bear and a blanket*



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 17-01-2010, 07:23 AM   #20220
SoMuchMore
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why the hell did i think it would be okay if i said yes to going swimming tomorrow.. it will be nice to work out but.... omg im freaking out.



<3

forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past
- buddy wakefield

I won't give up if you don't give up



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