Triggering (SI) - SI since-96 *may trigger*

Recovering-83 · 12-01-2008, 06:44 PM

Just posted this thread into another SI-forum, but might as well post it here too. There seems to be more activity here than in that another forum...
Well here's my story :
I've been cutting myself almost twelve years now and I'm 24-years old. So I've been doing self-injury for half of my life. And I think it's both twisted and sad.
It all started when I was twelve years old and I spend the whole summer trying to kill myself. Somehow I figured out that feeling pain helps to get over things (anxiety etc.). My diagnose is severe depression, PTSD, anxiety and insomnia. I got bullied during school-times, my father used to drink heavily etc. My past is full of things that other self-injuring persons usually have. So I'm quite typical SI person. I've been having therapy one or two times per week over four years and been in and out of psychiatric hospital. Thanks to my wonderful therapist, I'm now feeling quite fine, most of the days at least. Right now I'm suffering from a slight burn-out and I've cut myself few times last week. Only small cuts, but still..

I'm from Finland (what an excuse :P ) an' haven't used my english for a while, so I'm sorry for the typing errors and bad grammar..

Spoons · 12-01-2008, 07:46 PM

hi
dont worry about spelling and grammar and what not.
erm what are you wanting in terms of replies?
is there anything in particular you need help with?
its great that your therapist is helping, im glad things are starting to pick up for you.

Recovering-83 · 12-01-2008, 07:56 PM

Hi. Just need to find and read posts about SI and other people doing it.
I can't tell anyone of my friends that I've gotten back to harming myself once again. They would be so disappointed at me.. I feel so ashaimed that I have this urge to cut myself. Helps to know, that there are thousand (millions?) of other people having this same problem.

xfallenangelx · 12-01-2008, 08:12 PM

your right there are many people that self harm, and you never have to feel alone. this site is really helpful to realise that, and i hope you know that you can always post here if you feel that way. pm me anytime you want to, try and take care of yourself. i know what its like to feel ashamed, its a horrible feeling, but you shouldn't feel like that just because you have this problem. its hard for other people to understand.
xx

Recovering-83 · 12-01-2008, 08:21 PM

Thanx

. I already love this forum. Found so many interesting posts and threads. Think I'll spend these last couple of hours here reading before going asleep.The clock is here 9.30 pm.

Recovering-83 · 13-01-2008, 08:03 PM

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Very triggering

I'm so stupid.

I've been thinking about SI all weekend. And now it just happened. I should stop doing this, but I'm like an alcoholic. Always deciding to quit, but then think aa I'l just take one drink, then another an' another..
I know that if I'll just keep doing this, I will end up in mental hospital, once again.. But this time it's different. I'm not feeling nothing but slight anxiety. I'm sleeping quite well. There's no misuse of benzos. Nothing that should drive me into cutting. But yet still I'm doing it.

Mrs Sam · 13-01-2008, 10:25 PM

Cutting is addictive, it releases the same endorphins as other addictive behaviours which is why it is so hard to give up.

if you think your cut needs looking at then you should go to the hospital, better than ending up with a bad infection and a large scar.

Im pleased your finding RYL to be of use,

take care of yourself

sam

xxx

Recovering-83 · 24-01-2008, 04:25 PM

I've been now 11 days without cutting. The latest cut got infected and it is still in healing process. Last week I had a total burn-out and I checked in to a hospital, but the stupid doctor put me in a ward that has all the doors locked and the patients there are psychotic etc. I spend about 24 hours there and then checked out. I guess I've never felt that alone and insecure in my life. It was an awful place.. I thought when I checked in, that they would send me to a ward, where I've been several times before. But the hospital rules have changed (or something) since my last visit to hospital and in future if I slip into a cutting, my place will be that awful ward. So therefor I can't talk out load about my suicidal or cutting thought to a nurse or doctor of that hospital anymore.
But now I'm trying to cope on my own and trying not to overload myself, so that I won't get myself too tired and exhausted. And still 11 days "clean" I'm proud of myself. :)

inkerman · 24-01-2008, 04:50 PM

well done 11 days that great news, keep up the good work, you should be proud.

Snorkmaiden · 25-01-2008, 01:39 AM

woohoo for you on 11 days! buy youself a big box of chocolates! xx

Recovering-83 · 29-01-2008, 04:31 PM

16 days and still counting

Recovering-83 · 03-02-2008, 04:54 PM

I had this fight with my"friend" over a little schedule thing yesterday and I'm still pretty darn pissed off. He came today at me to talk. And he basically accused me for beeing the person who bounces people (don't know the right english word..). And that I'm unable to keep up with the things early agreed. I couldn't stand up for myself, 'cause I started to cry. And I so hate myself, 'cause I always start to cry if someone is saying negative things about myself...

I've been cleaning the house all day, 'cause I've been too pissed off to do anything else... Something positive anyway; my house is quite clean, except the floors...

I have a tendesy for borderline personality and I know that it would be immature to just call to him and say I never wanna see him again, but I just wish now that he would never call me again. I'm so freaking hurt inside. I've been three weeks without hurting myself, but I now have the urge to cut. I just feel like ****. I made few very little scratches and I hope I won't have to make any bigger cuts. I'm listening to a relaxation music and trying hard not to think about hurting myself. 'Cause I don't wanna hurt myself, just because his being a total ass.

Recovering-83 · 09-02-2008, 07:49 PM

This week has been a very Good week so far.

I've painted nearly everyday and it has been very relaxing. And we have settled our disagreements with my friend. But I still think that he is partly wrong because of judging my behavior.
God it's so difficult to write proper english after a one cider..

I didn't take even a zip of alcohol in three years but few weeks ago I started to use alcohol again. But it's so different now, than what it was three years ago, when I use to drink heavily. Now I can drink one cider with my friends or alone and stop there. I lack the need to drink so heavily that I would pass out or do something stupid. I use to SI a lot back in the days when drinking.
I use to drink alone and cut myself before passing out. I was a freaking mess back then. Well alcohol tastes bad, and I still drink more non-alcohol products than drinks with alcohol. Arrgghh, got to stop writing, 'cause cider makes my head to forget how to type english.

Circle Of Fire · 10-02-2008, 01:08 AM

*hugs hugs*

Im seriously scared of doing it for as long as you have but for me i have only been cutting for...4 years, SIing for....16 (but not anythign serious)
I have had simelar problems to you like my father drinking and bulling and im going to get over it by confronting everythign that stands in my way, i only hope im strong enough.
xxxx

Recovering-83 · 24-02-2008, 08:29 PM

^*hugs*

I made few scratches about a week ago because I had the urge to kill myself over something some friend of mine said to me, but I got over it. Last week I suffered from insomnia, but the doctor of mine prescribed me some more sleeping pills and I've been sleeping well two nights in a row. I still have the urge to harm myself, but I won't do it. I wanna kick the habit for good, but I know I can't get rid of self-harming just like that. The last big cut in my arm itches like hell, but I know it's a part of healing process. It's a one month old cut and it takes time to heal. Been using dexpanthenol cream for the scar, and it helps to reduce the itching. And I started a diet two weeks ago, I try to get rid of this ten extra kilos. Today I had a relapse and I ate candys, but tomorrow the diet is on again. I should just start exercising again. I cycle a lot in summertime, but I hate walking and stuff, so I don't exercise almost at all at wintertime. Well sometimes I go for a swim in a local indoor swimmig pool. Today it snowed something like 10 cm and it's freezing outside. And my car broke down last week, so I have stayed inside almost whole weekend.
Well new week, new challenges. I hope you all will have a nice new week without SI!

Recovering-83 · 12-03-2008, 02:28 PM

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Possibly triggering SI

I guess it's this ****ing spring. Snow is slowly melting away, and you can even see grass in some places. And the smell in the air is hmmm.. soil, dirt, spring..
Well I kind a had a rough weekend and of course 'cause I'm such an addict I got hooked on gambling and I've lost something like 1000 euros during this year. And it totally messes me up.

God I feel so miserable right now.

I had this meeting with my doctors and therapist this morning, and I so couldn't tell about how I feel and what I've done, 'cause I know that they would put me "behind the bars" in a ward where all the doors are locked. And it's all because of this one contract I signed. It says that if I cut myself again, I will have to go into that specific ward.

Last night I woke up at 5.30 AM, 'cause I had this nightmare and I was screamig help in my nightmare. I hope I didn't actually scream aloud, that it was just something that happened only in my dream.

It's so reliefing to write down my thoughts in here. Really helps to clear my head. Thank you for reading. <3

Recovering-83 · 17-03-2008, 07:43 PM

to cut myself. My head is actually aching, just because I wanna do it so bad. But I just can't do it. Have to get over this feeling...

God I am such an addict. I just jump from another addiction to another. I know what I should do, and that's I should do something very active. Like clean my appartment, cook, hoover something like that. But I just can't do stuff like that right now.
It's just so weird that you can get withdrawal symptoms from cutting.
Well maybe I should do something else, like go into a shower. It's been now six days without cutting.

Recovering-83 · 02-09-2008, 06:30 PM

I did my last cut half year ago. I should be very proud of my self I guess. And I told my parents that I've cut myself over twelve years. And they knew about it, which was quite a surprise for me. I don't cut when it's summer, but now when the summer's gone I have this urge to do something to myself. Not necessarily to cut, but to harm myself somehow just to feel alive, or just to feel something. I've been dissociating (PTSD) a lot lately, and having nightmares about bullies. And sometimes I have this need to kill myself. It's only a thought, I ain't gonna do it. But still, it bugs me. I guess the main problem is that I need more action. I've been painting a lot by myself. And I get in bad condition when I'm too much by myself. It would be so wonderful to be someone else...

Recovering-83 · 03-09-2008, 07:07 PM

I saw my therapist today and we had soooo wonderful conversation, I told almost everything I had in my mind and it really helped to talk to someone.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering, drugs

I could't tell, 'cause I'm affraid that they might take the prescriptions away from me and I actually need those meds. I just should swallow those pills, not to misuse them.

Well I'm ex-drug misuser, and it's really difficult for me to use meds right.

I scratched myself last night, or actually poked some skin with scissors. I just wanted to feel something, 'cause I'm so numb. But I won't do that tonight. I'm just gonna go to shower and then to bed. No cutting. And I can't get drunk next weekend, so that I won't slip into SI. No booze, no pills, no cuts. Motto of the day.

BoundNoMore · 03-09-2008, 10:11 PM

Feel free to stop by the Vets Corner and say hi (it's where most of us "older" membbers tend to hang out)
*hugs*