That is very true Lindsay
They haven’t helped in the past
I would be choosing better things for myself. And I probably wouldn’t end up in hospital so much if I didn’t listen to them.
It’s jsut so hard when they are so intrusive
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
It is hard, I know. But I think you can fight them no matter how loud they get and eventually they would give up. You don't have to believe anything they say anyway, they are in the minority with what they believe.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I agree with what everyone else has said. Listening to the voices has brought you nothing but trouble and nothing you've ever done to 'get rid of it' has actually made you feel like it's gone and instead just got you into bother.
Can you ask for more details about the specialist unit before you decide you definitely don't want to go? Perhaps it could be really helpful!
I think I'm going to ask for more details in my next ward round
They said it would be for a year though
I will ask to look round the place if that's possible with covid.
If it's where I suspect it is then it's dbt therapy. Which I have found the opposite of helpful in the past. And I don't even have the eupd diagnosis anymore.
Maybe it's not that place but I know it's in my county and the programme is a year long...
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I hope you can find out more. I also don't find dbt particularly helpful, but maybe there's other reasons they want you to go there as well, besides just for dbt? You could definitely ask. I'm glad you are trying to eat - I think you are right that the way you were feeling physically was due to not eating and not the contamination.
Glad you seem to be at least a bit calmer today. Still thinking of you.
Also just thinking, given that your hospitalizations tend to end up being months rather than just a few days, it might be worth a year's time to see if it can lessen the amount/length of hospitalizations moving forward? Unsure that makes sense.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Thanks Camden
I am feeling less dizzy now I've eaten. And the spots in front of my eyes have gone
I do feel calmer today.
Been doing lots of distraction which helps
I am getting some thoughts of a certain incident but I'm really trying not to so I can get some leave next week
It seems really unfair that I can't have leave when much more unwell patients are getting leave. Including one that ran away just this week!
That's what they said. That I could be free of hospital forever if I did a year in this place. Which would be great tbh. I'd love to not be in hospital again. It's just hard to see that ever happening when I've been in and out for 17 years
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I don't know that I personally agree that to treat it like a magic fix is necessarily true. I do think it's possible you might still need hospital in the future, but hopefully it would mean less often and for less long. It sounds like it'd be worth asking them about it.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I didn't think it was true either
Less often and for less time would still be awesome
I'll ask them in my next ward round
Which will probably be Thursday
Seems like so long to wait
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Yea, I think you have a more realistic view of it tbh lol.
That is a long time to wait. Ugh. Do you have anything with you that you can use for distractions until then? Are you able to talk to your mum or Jasmine at all?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I have my ipad so I've been watching movies and tv shows on that which helps. And my phone of course.
I spend most of my time in my room because it gets too loud out there. I have no desire to socialise.
I do talk to my mum and Jasmine.
My mum has been very helpful in talking to people for me. Thanks to the doctors she knows everything now which I wanted to avoid but they think I am unwell so I have no rights anymore
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
It does suck having your mum know everything, but maybe it's good that she can help advocate for you and explain things for you? What does she think about the specialist hospital?
I don't blame you for wanting to stay in your room. I'm glad you can have your ipad and your phone so you have something to do.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Things aren't great. I was taken off 1:1 and the first opportunity I got I tried to get the contamination out again.
So now I can't go in my room again or sit anywhere other than the lounge which is loud and busy and awful.
Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I suppose in some ways it’s not happening TO you, unless I’ve misunderstood, it’s your way of managing the difficult thoughts and emotions around the contamination. What did staff say? Doesn’t sound like you spoke to them before hand?
I suppose so. The staff are just getting annoyed with me at this point. And I don't blame them. I am being incredibly annoying.
I tried to talk to them earlier in the day and they gave me prn and made me sit in the lounge because they can see it from the office. Which doesn't really help things.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Have you asked them what they think you could do differently? Ultimately they should be supporting you but staff are human to do maybe if you can find a way to work together that might be helpful xx
Yeah I could do.
I guess the answer would be something along the lines of 'stop doing stupid sh*t' and talk to them.
Which I should do.
I just don't want to bother them even though logically I know that me doing stupid sh*t bothers them more.
I have ward round tomorrow.
I doubt I'll be able to leave. Or get leave given what happened yesterday.
So I don't know what to talk about.
They have changed literally none of my treatment so I really don't know what they are hoping to achieve here
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Might be worth thinking of a list of questions so you can be actively involved with the discussion and feel more in control?
Like what they are hoping from this admission and how they think that can be achieved?
What they think you could be doing differently (small steps) to get more leave
What the specialist unit is and how it would work?
Maybe knowing those things will help relieve some stress etc and help you feel more in control than you maybe do right now?
I’m sure they will ask you what you think might help too so maybe having an idea, even if it’s just ‘occasionally I can challenge the thoughts and XYZ might help’ or ‘in the past X medication or psychology etc has helped’
Thanks Emma
That's all really helpful
I'll write down a list of questions
Hoping I won't break down like I did last week
I feel like I do need to feel more in control.
Everything is so chaotic right now
The doctor last week said I'm treatment resistant which makes me feel hopeless.
I wish I could go back on clozapine. Things were better on clozapine
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!