Intense emotional pain

[one_step_closer]

Thanks NP.

It matters to professionals and the public that I act appropriately like an adult. I know people would want me to change the way I react, find more acceptable things to do and I understand that but it really feels impossible for me at least right now. I worry that people think I'm just acting so that I appear unwell or distressed or something. I'm embarrassed enough by my reactions but they do seem to happen automatically and I'd rather do those things than have everything building up inside.

I sometimes try not to bully myself but I do it in a bullying type way. So if I'm saying something nasty to myself I might try to tell myself to stop but I'll say it in a not kind way like "shut the F up." If I do say something kind to myself I end up getting into a battle with myself and coming up with further horrible things to say because it's not right for me to be kind to myself. In a way it feels better to say horrible things to myself than it does to say nice things. Saying nice things about myself makes me want to punch myself.

[nonperson]

I understand about saying nice things about yourself. I remember a counsellor once giving me an exercise of listing three nice things to say about myself in front of the mirror every morning... and it was awful and I gave up. BUT the idea is that if you keep saying it, eventually you will believe it. In the same way that you constantly say bad things about yourself, you get stuck in a loop believing it and it just makes things worse. It's hard but the cycle needs to be broken.

They don't have to be big nice things, it could just be "I'm a caring person" or "I like my eyes" and leave it at that, no counter arguments. You say it, accept it and leave it at that. Would that be worth a try?

[one_step_closer]

Thanks.

The 'I am a caring person' is stored in my head anyway. It's just not allowed to have an influence on how I feel about myself.

I'm ready to die. Help me out.

I watched the programme about psychosis and again wished that I had someone looking out for me who I was comfortable being honest with. I watched Ambulance and they were enjoying their job. I thought about people working and having relationships and family. I can't do that. I need to be dead.

It is time to give up. Please just give up. Things aren't getting better for my brother and things can only get worse for me. Just. End. It. All.

I need a kind person.

I wish there was an opportunity for respite. An in between home and hospital place.

There's no one I can get in touch with and say 'I'm hurting, please help me.' Only some professionals at the end of the phone. I am alone. I am aching.

Give me an easy death please.

[nonperson]

Why is it not allowed to have an influence?

I don't know what to say. Just... *hug*, if wanted.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks.

It might be similar to people who think they are 100% good so reject any opinion that they might have negative traits, but the opposite for me. It just makes me angry with myself and hate myself more if I focus on any good things about me.

I managed to talk to someone from the informal crisis team last night after phoning them and Breathing Space loads and hanging up. They don't understand my pain because they can't feel it, they can only hear the words that I have likely said many times in the past yet I'm still alive. I found some info that would make suicide easier to plan but other factors are still the same which make it hard to achieve this specific method. I want to push myself to do it. I said to the person on crisis that I need help. I do need help because I don't know if I can actually achieve suicide. The crisis person said she is on Monday-Wednesday this week and she'll write a plan for her to phone me each evening and then see if there's someone else I feel comfortable talking to after Wednesday or if I want to end the plan. She thinks it's a good idea while my CPN is off. I've been fighting myself all day not to phone the service and ask them to cancel my call tonight, it's so stressful having phone calls. I've managed to keep it in place for now anyway.

I feel like I need actual people around right now and there is no one. I'm not sure if planned admissions are still a thing now that my psychiatrist has changed and I have no one to ask right now anyway, plus I probably wouldn't even ask if my CPN was at work this week. I'm very wary about being judged, that someone will say I'm not unwell enough. Hospital is shit anyway. I really wish there was something more in the community, like the crisis houses that some places have. I'm sick of listening to the clock ticking. I'm sick of repeating "when are you going to die?" Life is not good and I know it will only get worse. I'm way beyond help yet I try to reach out and am offered the same things over and over again because there is nothing more that can be done. There is no hope.

[one_step_closer]

I will have to feel the pain of life until I die. I am absolutely trapped and terrified. This is huge. This is too much. Overwhelmed. Why did I have to be born?

[one_step_closer]

So the crisis support isn't actually support. I tried to say how awful I feel but she brushed it off. This isn't an on the surface thing, I am deeply hurting. All of this is telling me that I have to take some control and get it over with, just get on with it. Please give me the strength to take the final steps. There is no relief in life and I don't want more and more years to come.

[Soft Kitty]

It's clear to see you're hurting deeply, it's her deficit that she isn't responsive to that. I think it's worth asking your CPN whether crisis admissions are still a thing, it sounds like she knows you well enough now to not be judgemental? I wish things weren't so painful for you.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you.

I'm never sure about mentioning an admission because I don't know if it would even be helpful. My CPN maybe wouldn't be judgemental but she'd still have to consider if she thinks I need to be in hospital or not and if she doesn't think so then I have wrongly asked.

There is no solution other than suicide. How am I going to die?

[tamobhuuta]

There's no such thing as a wrong question. If they don't think IP will help, what support can they offer? Tell them the things you're already doing and whether they're at all helpful.

[one_step_closer]

I don't know if there is even anything left to try. I'm tired of fighting, I wish I would just get on with suicide.

Tonight should be the last phone call from the informal crisis team so that takes away that anxiety.

I don't deserve all the support I have. Some people have to wait for months for CMHT input. I am taking up resources. I'm sorry. They'll want to get rid of me asap. I'm not achieving their goals and I wish that was ok. I wish long term support was still accepted and allowed and people weren't thrown away for not making progress.

[Stellata]

All the more reason to give you support....

What have you tried?

[one_step_closer]

Thanks.

I could probably more quickly say what I haven't tried although that would involve lots of thinking. I don't think there's much else available in my area anyway.

I had a review of my three day crisis plan that was put in place. I really just said no to most questions like have you learned anything? The worker wrote that I found it helpful because people listened to me but actually they didn't, I didn't want to say that since she was the main one. She said that at some point in her 30s she realised she had worth and tried to be kinder to herself and that she hopes I will realise my worth. I don't really want to. Having more settled thoughts etc actually sounds worse than the way things are now. She asked about what I want in the future and I could only think that I want to die before I'm forced into work. She thinks people would support me if my benefits were reviewed but I'm not so sure.

I stupidly told the fire people in an email that I had added their names to my positives jar and now they will be hating me and judging me and thinking I'm going to be all inappropriate. I'm such an idiot. I mess everything up.

People are good. People have such brilliant traits. People are individuals and have unique and wonderful personalities. People are one whole being and are responsible for themselves and creating themselves. It's cool that there are so many nice people around. I really shouldn't be alive. I'm just a worthless drain on all resources and I want to die. My brother has had reasons to be anxious throughout his life and he has probably never had a break, and here's me with no good reason to feel awful yet I do. I hate myself.

[activebrain]

I know you haven't posted in this thread for a while but I read this for the first time today and was concerned and wondered how you were doing. Just from the replies you given me and various posts I think you are a very caring and compassionate person. I don't know what makes you think you're dangerous and obviously I don't know you completely and I do know that you seem to be very caring about other people so that doesn't make you seem very dangerous to me. Are you still feeling suicidal? Or is this an ongoing thing that is always present? That's kind of what mine is. I don't always have intent but it's always there waiting to attack me. How are you doing?

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. I update here quite a lot since most a lot of my issues continue and still fall under intense emotional pain.

I wish someone would take the good parts out of me and leave them in the world if it will help, then kill me.

I kind of just realised my movements aren't just anxious movements, they are around during any kind of discomfort/too much feeling. Labelling them anxious movements isn't actually right.

I'm not a part of this world. I'm not fully human and I need to get to where I belong. Why can't I now seem to do the risky things that I used to do?

There is no hope.

[tamobhuuta]

You are totally human, I promise. Sometimes in the past voices told me stuff like that but they were wrong. You are completely human and deserving of love.

[activebrain]

And I apologize for thinking that you hadn't posted in here for a bit because I do this website on my phone and everything is teeny tiny. I have to enlarge it and don't always see that there is a last page when there are multiple posts. It was after I posted my reply to you that I saw that you had posted the same day I posted my reply to you. Sorry about that. How are you doing today?

[one_step_closer]

Thank you both.

A lot of today when I was standing waiting to cross roads I felt more dissociated and like I should walk out in front of traffic but I told myself it would definitely hurt even if I was dissociating in that moment. But can anything external physically hurt me anyway? I am mostly emotionally vulnerable. I need some controlled damage. I can't achieve the damage I need any more.

In a shop I was served by a guy who said I was in the year above him at school. I don't remember. I wonder what he remembers about me. He seemed to be able to see I was anxious and treated me very gently. I'm sure he's seen my fidgeting and stuff around the shop a lot. I'm such a freak.

I saw a CPN in her car when I was waiting to cross a road. I almost didn't see her but she saw me because she was waving. I would have had a stupid scrunched up face. I am perceivable and people can connect judgements to me.

The fire person hasn't replied to my email still. I am so worried that I have messed up and made her think I'm overstepping boundaries. She sent the first email to me last Wednesday so I'm hoping she replies tomorrow and she is 100% not annoyed or having any negative thoughts about me. If she doesn't get back to me tomorrow I'll be very worried. Why must I mess everything up?

[one_step_closer]

How real am I? How unreal am I? I have too much of an influence in life and I make too many mistakes.

A person from the chemist tooted her horn and waved at me.

What do people think about me? They will be saying things to each other and I won't get to know those things. They will have thoughts in their head that I will never hear. People will see me when I don't see them and I won't know about this experience they have had of me. I am too much. I'm too dangerous. But I'm not totally real in a human sense. I am a monster.

Nearly slowed down in front of a lorry but...think of the driver. I am physical in the form of a human body.

No reply from the fire person. I shouldn't be allowed to interact with people.

[one_step_closer]

I feel like there should be a small thing I can do that will end my existence. It might seem to make no sense but I am too much - physically, emotionally/socially influencing but I'm also nothing. The heaviest part is the body but it doesn't even feel properly connected to me. There must be a way for me to escape from the body.

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow but I won't be able to explain anything. Even if I write things down people don't connect it with whatever being they see in front of them. I am trapped in this strange place and no one can understand or help me.

I looked in the mirror and said "what the hell are you?"

What even is...this...?