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Old 10-06-2019, 05:22 PM   #1
Soft Kitty
 
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Voice telling me to hurt myself

I've been struggling the last week or so, with shame running even deeper than usual. It's difficult to bear my existence in this world. When I wake up in the morning, I really feel that phrase, "I wish the earth would just swallow me up."

I'm finding it hard to connect with a part of myself - a logical, adult part. I probably need to try and be more pragmatic in my life to try and get back into the adult state. I'm just struggling under the weight of an ashamed childlike state, and now with the addition of a very angry voice compelling me to hurt myself severely.

I'm trying to delay this as an outright commitment to not doing it would likely make him angrier.

Just needed a space I guess.

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Old 10-06-2019, 07:14 PM   #2
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I hear you and understand how painful that dynamic is.

Why is the voice telling you to hurt yourself, do you know?

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Old 10-06-2019, 08:28 PM   #3
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Thank you :) l think in some strange way he sees it as protective. If I were to hurt myself, I put myself back in control. If I could hurt myself badly enough, somehow it would be like a forcefield from anyone else hurting me.

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Old 10-06-2019, 08:31 PM   #4
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I understand what you mean about being protective.
Is anyone likely to hurt you now in the present time?

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Old 10-06-2019, 09:06 PM   #5
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You mentioned control. Have you ever thought of the fact that you're basically letting him have control? If you give in to the urges that is. I know how difficult this can be because I literally had someone tell me to hurt myself for 30 years and I struggle daily with allowing him to be in control. Sometimes being in control means saying no. Hope you can get the space you need and keep yourself safe



I am still me no matter what SIZEor shape I am!

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Old 11-06-2019, 11:12 AM   #6
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Thank you both :)

Katie, in reality no, I think it's helpful to recognise I'm safe in the here and now and that these are echoes of the past.

Activebrain, I think it's definitely worth trying to reassure him, as part of me, that there is no need for me to hurt myself to be safe. I will keep trying to say 'no' to him.

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Old 11-06-2019, 03:41 PM   #7
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A logical, adult part of you has managed to post here so I'm glad you have some connection with that. Have you ever worked on ways of dealing with shame? My previous psychologist very firmly believes that compassion is the way to deal with shameful feelings.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-06-2019, 07:02 PM   #8
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Glad that you're safe in the present. Keep reassuring yourself as much as you can, then that will have a power too.

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Old 17-06-2019, 07:47 PM   #9
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Thank you both. I'm sorry it's taken me a little time to come back. The feelings of needing to hurt myself come and go. They feel stronger today.

Lindsay, I don't think I've ever directly worked on shame before. That makes lots of sense about compassion. I just have a strong sense of needing to be punished and the idea of being compassionate is a bit scary at the moment.

Gah. I feel like something bad is going to happen.

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Old 17-06-2019, 07:51 PM   #10
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That's how anxiety works, feelings of dread etc. I like the FEAR acronym - False Evidence Appearing Real. Knowing that helps me sometimes.

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Old 17-06-2019, 09:10 PM   #11
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That does sound helpful to know, Katie, thank you. It also reminds me to maybe try and do a bit of CBT.

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Old 18-06-2019, 10:57 AM   #12
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Self compassion is so hard, I know what you mean. I find that a way around it can sometimes be to allow yourself to reach out for support/compassion from other people. That's sort of being compassionate towards yourself, the allowing yourself to be supported.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-06-2019, 01:58 PM   #13
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Thank you Lindsay. That makes a lot of sense. I will try and work out how to do that without rejecting it. Maybe I could do some thought records on that as well.

I've missed my meds for a few days which I know from experience is really unwise, even if I'm not sure I actually need them. I know the sensible thing to do would be to start taking them, so at least my head wouldn't feel like it's exploding. I'm just so tired, though. Things haven't made sense for so long and now they're starting to again, sort of. Plus my weight, I can't stand it.

And I'm sorry. One part of me knows what I need to do and just do it. The other part contradicts it.

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Old 18-06-2019, 04:07 PM   #14
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It's easy to get into a sort of battle with yourself. Does anyone know that you haven't been taking your meds? Is there someone whose opinion you trust who you could speak to about things?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-06-2019, 06:26 PM   #15
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Thank you, I really appreciate you. I'm going to take my meds tonight. I feel terrible. If things are the same tomorrow I'll give my CPN a text.

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Old 18-06-2019, 06:32 PM   #16
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I hope you manage to take them and it helps ease things at least a bit. It might be worth texting your CPN anyway if you feel able to do that.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-06-2019, 07:34 PM   #17
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I hope things ease for you soon.

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Old 19-06-2019, 08:40 AM   #18
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Hey sweetie, how are you doing today?







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Old 19-06-2019, 12:22 PM   #19
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Thank you all. I'm feeling a bit less fragile today, touch wood. Weighed myself though and that feels hard to bear. I've contacted my CPN to let her know but told her I don't need her to phone. Seeing her next Tuesday anyway. Thanks so much for your support xx

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Old 19-06-2019, 02:52 PM   #20
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Well done for reaching out, I think that's important even if you don't end up properly talking to your CPN at this point. I hope you're doing ok.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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