Drowningwithoutcare to this day.
I started on this site over a decade ago when I was 15. My original username was drowningwithoutcare. I'm 27 now and I think I've attempted to come back multiple times, but have never really been successful. I'm finding that the older I get, the harder time I have connecting with other people. So, I'm going to get a whole bunch out, at least I know it can't make anything worse.
I have huge attachment issues which impacts my ability to connect to others. That's why I'm always so much better and talking to others about their problems, but never really open up about mine. I've lost track of the number of times I've made a post on here and then deleted it because it felt to vulnerable. Vulnerability is not a strength of mine.
I've always felt alone, and I truly am reaping what I have sown. I'm 27, and I have a wonderful husband and friends but wish every day that I could opt out of life. I'm not particularly close to any of my individual friends. I finally made the decision to not have kids because I"m so damn jaded that I didn't want to bring another lifo into being when I wish I had never been born. It's also comical because I work with children, specifically children who have been exposed to trauma, and the thing is that I am really damn good at my job. I believe in them, truly, and I love them all with all my heart. Maybe I just went to long before someone interceded for me. In all honesty, I don't think anyone ever has. If I am not the one reaching out for relationship, no one will. So maybe it's time to stop reaching.
I don't really know what the point is anymore. I think I'm losing my faith, my religion, and my will. I buckled down and got through life because there was always a next step. Graduate high school, graduate college, get married, get my masters, get a career. Now what? I'm here and life is still just a spiral. I'm terrified of dying, terrified of my waning faith and what that could possibly mean upon dying. If I could just go to sleep and not wake up ever, that would be the dream. I don't self harm anymore, and I don't drink anymore. Really I just sleep now. If I'm not working I"m sleeping. I don't know that it's a healthier coping mechanism, but the only reprieve I get is when I'm sleeping.
So here's to sleep. The only release I'll ever get.
So, all that rambling to say if anyone would like to connect, please feel free to message me. Although I am fully aware of how completely desperate this post probably sounds.