Afraid of spiraling

[09252011]

Don't know why I'm here...but think I just need to get some things off my chest. I struggled with depression, anxiety, and self-harm through high school. I haven't self-harmed for almost 10 years although the depression and anxiety creep back from time to time. I don't want to slip back into the place I was in 10 years ago...but lately I'm just really, really struggling.

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. Are there things going on that are making it such a struggle for you at the moment? Well done for managing not to self harm all this time, that shows you can continue. What has helped in the past? What support do you have in your life? If it helps to post here please keep doing it. I hope things start to ease soon.

[09252011]

Quote:

Originally Posted by one_step_closer

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. Are there things going on that are making it such a struggle for you at the moment? Well done for managing not to self harm all this time, that shows you can continue. What has helped in the past? What support do you have in your life? If it helps to post here please keep doing it. I hope things start to ease soon.

Thank you for the reply. I have a completely wonderful fiancé, but I'm in a professional degree program so I'm living apart from him and my family. I think I've just been feeling extra lonely and that makes it hard to focus on classes...but he and I have both sacrificed so much for me to be here. I don't know...its the second year of this (looking at a total of 7) and this year just seems more emotionally taxing. I know this is sort of my pattern...I push really hard for short bursts and then I burn out...except I can't afford to burn out this time because so much of our future is riding on doing well and I can't blow it. But I've had to resort to coping mechanisms I haven't needed in years and that scares me a little. He knows I've struggled in the past...but I just can't admit to him that I'm having this hard of a time. I just need to push through it I guess.

[one_step_closer]

That must be so difficult to be away from your family. Do you get to see them at all? Education is really stressful in itself, do you have support from any tutors? There might be a counselling service provided also if you felt it would be easier to talk to someone out with the situation. What makes it difficult for you to be honest with your fiancé about how things are right now?

[09252011]

Quote:

Originally Posted by one_step_closer

That must be so difficult to be away from your family. Do you get to see them at all? Education is really stressful in itself, do you have support from any tutors? There might be a counselling service provided also if you felt it would be easier to talk to someone out with the situation. What makes it difficult for you to be honest with your fiancé about how things are right now?

I do get to see them sometimes. But I live in a city for school (definitely a suburb/country person at heart)...and with 8 roomates because thats what I can afford. My fiance is so, so supportive. Almost to the point where it adds pressure to succeed, which is why I think I dont want to tell him Im struggling. And we've both sacrificed so much for this to happen...i dont want anyone to think im taking it for granted or being ungrateful. And I havent struggled this much since before we started dating and Im afraid he'll take it as me having second thoughts about getting married (which Im not). He's also literally the only person Ive ever told about self-harming and hes only seen my scars once since weve been together (9 years). The wedding dress I picked doesnt cover the scars on my shoulder...I dont know if maybe thats adding to things too. I just dont know...I dont want to wreck my life and the things I have going for me. But its just also so hard to be motivated right now.

[Pi.R^2]

I hope it helped to get it off your chest here; that's an awful lot to be struggling with on your own.

If your fiancé knew how much you were struggling, I imagine he would want to know about it so that he could support you! If you're worried about his reaction, what about starting small; you could just say that you're feeling a bit low at the moment?

Did you get any professional support for your difficulties in high school and would you consider seeking professional support now?