I'm hopefully going to get some telephone couselling regarding my sexual abuse. Bit scared about it though. I don't really want to delve into my past, but at the same time I want to get through it and move on.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
It might help. It's hard. But like I told Jade (she used to post in here) that you wouldn't tell a complete stranger everything in the first few conversartions. They'll build it up with you and stuff and if you couldn't do it when planned, I imagine they'd wait until you were able to begin talking about it and stuff.
*crawls onto her window sill*
I saw Mikey today, because he came out to the heritage town to hang out with me. I knew he was going to bring Craig, but I didn't realize he'd bring Kendra and Alex as well... Courteny ended up having to work, as well as Amanda... so I ended up basically by myself. It was like I wasn't his girlfriend most of the time...
He payed attention to me when he had to... but I was basically forgotten...
This was supposed to be a really cool day, but it turned out awfully...
My stepdad was supposed to pick me up at Brittany's house, but he wasn't there when he said he was going to be, which was when I checked for him... but apparently he was there for like 30 seconds when I wasn't checking, and I ended up there for over an hour more than I was supposed to be...
Then when Mom picked me up finally, she lectured me in the car about how I was the one responsible for it and that I should have been sitting out there waiting for him... and then she goes off about how the housework I did wasn't good enough...
I realize that she's uptight about picking up Chase from the psych unit, knowing he didn't get the help he was supposed to get, and he's just going to come home and terrorize us more, but that isn't my fault, and I shouldn't have to have that taken out on me.
And on top of all this... I think I might be pregnant...
I feel incredibly alone right now... and I want my Mikey to cuddle me and tell me that he loves me, like he does when we're alone...
I sometimes wonder if he really does, or if he is just humoring me... because I really love him and I don't want to think about losing him. It would break my heart... and potentially my will to live...
I almost cut again today, but I was able to stop at poking myself lightly with a safety pin... it didn't break the skin... it didn't help much, but at least I didn't cut.
*hits forehead against window and cries*
Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark,
lay right down,
decide not to go on.
Plumeria Sister
It might help. It's hard. But like I told Jade (she used to post in here) that you wouldn't tell a complete stranger everything in the first few conversartions. They'll build it up with you and stuff and if you couldn't do it when planned, I imagine they'd wait until you were able to begin talking about it and stuff.
*squishes*
Thanks Helen. They are trying telephone counselling because I have panic attacks when I try and walk through the door to their office. I've been in there twice with a friend and even though its supposed to be a safe place for women I felt threatened and unsafe.
I ordered parts for my new computer today. It's going to cost a little more than I'd wanted to pay because some of the components had to be replaced as the ones I wanted were on back order and I want that computer NOW. I'm going stir-crazy without access to a computer.
I've had a really down day today so I slept for a good part of the afternoon to try and keep myself from doing something silly.
*hugs everyone in the ward and apologises for being so narcissistic (sp?) and only talking about myself*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
I haven't had a drink since Monday.
I would act like this is some sort of achievement, but it's mostly because my tummy's been feeling weird - I haven't felt up to drinking as I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up.
Arwen that would be enough to stop most people from drinking. Right now I want to drink but I know that it would end with me hurting myself.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
*hugs Labyrinth* Hope you get feeling better soon.
*hugs Zowie* At least you're not drinking. I do hope that this sickness will pass, but that you'll be able to keep strong afterward.
*hugs Kahlia* It's okay, you don't have to feel bad about talking about yourself all the time (I mean, I kinda do, but do as I say, not as I do...) we're here to help and support one another. If you need support, you can't be expected to give it all the time. If you can, that's awesome, but you don't have to.
As for myself... still feeling like cutting, but I won't. I've made it three months, and I know that it would disappoint Mikey when he found out. That would just make me feel awful, because I know he'd think it was his fault. I need to clean my room, but I'm just not feeling up to it... Still I have to or I'll be stuck at my Gran's all week, and want to shoot myself more than ever... so I will... eventually... before 4 o'clock today...
Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark,
lay right down,
decide not to go on.
Plumeria Sister
Feeling horrible.. stupid... yeah, and people are starting to notice that I am wearing bracelets. I'm just not used to wearing them, i havent done anything there in a such a loong time, so i keep playing with them. Which is just bringing attention to them rather than keeping it away. I hate that i act like this.. sorry I'm ranting for no reason i guess.
<3
forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past - buddy wakefield
I feel so guilty for something completely irrational. I feel guilty because my housemate went to hospital and got admitted. I feel like I should have stopped it before it got that far. Even though there is no way I could have. And the guilt makes me want to OD.
Also my weight has leaped up a few kilos and I can't get it back down no matter what I try and I'm scared I'm going to start getting back into ED behaviours which I promised my housemate I would not do.
I fear life is not worth living.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
I'm HOME!!! I got brought home late yesterday afternoon, my tackroom (aka bedroom) was rearranged and a proper bed was set up in the corner, as well as a cupboard of medical supplies and such.
The rules are that i'm not allowed to ride without supervision (there will be a therapeutic instructor coming every mon/wed/fri to work with me, and my friends have offered to come supervise on the other days), i have to wear a mask when feeding or mucking stalls, i have to wear coveralls for feeding/mucking out, all wounds must be dressed properly (bandaids will not suffice), and i have to have a minimum of 3 hours' rest between when i wake up and when i go to bed.
ugh, i hate the rules, but i know they're for the best. i suppose i shan't complain, at least i'm home where i am happy and comfortable.
yay for sitting in the big communal shelter in the pasture (they have individual shelters in their own paddocks, but there's a big shared one in the pasture) with the laptop and wireless internet, surrounded by my four-legger family. i missed them so much, i finally feel whole.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
*hugs Dayna/Todlich* Don't give up honey there may be something good just around the corner
Last edited by Kahlia1981 : 19-08-2009 at 11:03 AM.
Reason: spelling error
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Ive not been here for ages, not been on site at all,so thought id come back in and say hello. ive been in hospital for a while, well seems like forever :(
*hugs* to everyone
Theres a little truth behing every just kidding,
A little curiosity behind every just wondering,
A little knowledge behind every i dont know.
And a little emotion behind every i dont care.
