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Old 06-11-2008, 06:36 AM   #1
~*RazorbladeKiss*~
~Wat doesnt kill you makes you wish you were dead~
 
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Triggering (SI/OD) - Please,what is going on with me,what do i have?

Please, i need answers. I can never explain myself right to anyone.
Its like this,

im scared of people and i have a sort of paranoia that everyone is looking at me, judging me and laughing at me. im afraid(terrified in fact)to go out alone. even if its just for a little bit and close by home. i always need my boyfriend or someone else to be with me,and even when im with someone,i always get nervous and obsessed with everyone around me.

i CANT look at anyone`s faces. i always look down on the floor. i always feel ashamed and somehow `inferior´to other people.
sometimes i also get panic attacks. i start to cry,i try to hide behind my boyfriend or something. i always look away when in my mind someone is watching me.

many times i fight with my boyfriend(im with him most of my time)and i scream,call him horrible names,i throw my bag away somewhere to the floor so that he picks it up.
when i have this intense feeling that im being watched by everyone i get mad and argue with him(maybe to forget im around people)and im very rude and mean for stupid things like-when im in the subway station and someone sits beside me i just feel furious and have thoughts like "how dare he/she sits beside me when i just wanna be left alone...i can never be at peace..what a fu**** stalker,etc...and i just burst out of there"

and i feel just like a TERRIBLE person. like somehow,after people bullied me for a long time,i created a monster that gets revenge from everyone i see on the street. i feel like i now have a cold heart and cant feel empathy for people(in general)anymore...

to give u an example...the other day i was walking with my boyfriend on the way home and we saw some people lied down beside an unconscious guy(i dont know what happened,but he wasnt moving at all) and there was a girl in a corner crying(her friend i suppose)and i just didnt care at all about them. i was just talking to my boyfriend like nothing was happening and he suddenly stopped talking to me to ask someone if they already called an ambulance.

ok,i just got so angry. i feel ashamed,but i did get angry and started to argue with him - "why did u ask if they already called an ambulance if they obviously already did that? why did u interrupted me when i was talking? why do u care more about people u dont know than me? why are u always so good to people and try to help everyone if they dont deserve our help?" my thing is "why should i help someone that i dont know and never helped me and why help someone when no one ever did help me before???"

i know i sound horrible and disgusting for whoever reads this,but i just feel so angry all the time and cant help it. i used to cut and burn myself a lot but i dont do it as much now. but i did tried to kill myself once with an OD.
I had a total blackout and just remember the sound of an ambulance stopping by my house. i had to have a body desintoxication.

im so sorry if this is too long for u to read,but i just cant find the guts to express this to anyone else. im a coward. thats why i can only express it through here,where no one is physically present and looking at me.

my attitude is pretty much like "im better than everybody else,so the rest can go to hell". i wasnt like this AT ALL before. im turning into a monster.
what should i do? i know i should keep taking my medication,which i stopped taking it for whatever reason..maybe im not prepared yet to help myself.

but back to the main thing i wanted to say,is that i cant even go into malls anymore. cant go shopping,cant go to the cinema,cant go to the hairdresser,cus i feel terrified of people for so many non explained reasons.

its like a phobia. i have trouble breathing,i start to talk really fast and walk fast to not stay in the same place for more than a minute,because of people. people,for me,are the problem. i cant live my life anymore because of my fear/phobia for people and its getting ridiculous. and worse,i stopped going to school because of it. i cant go anywhere and sometimes i have the feeling that im being haunted and that someone wants to kill me.

well,my question is...do i have schizophrenia? (my phsyquiatrist did prescribed me some medication that was used also for that disease but he
never told me i had that. he only said i have a personality disorder)

or what do u suppose it is?
does someone here feels the things i do?

please help... :(





Everyone is going to hurt you sooner or later.
You just have to decide whose worth the pain.


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Old 06-11-2008, 07:08 AM   #2
kijam76
 
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sounds like it could possibly be schizophrenia but Im not a doctor.... You could always ask your doctor, he/she would know what you have and should let you know.

Take care, Im always here to talk, pm me if you want



Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?
That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.
-- A.E. Housman --


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Old 06-11-2008, 08:44 AM   #3
Stellata
 
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I would disagree with schizophrenia, personally.

I can relate to a lot of what you describe. I too was bullied a lot. Bullying can be very very damaging. It sounds more like PTSD/Complex PTSD. Along with severe social anxiety.

But of course the best thing is to check in with a dr or counsellor/therapist and get a proper professional diagnosis.

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Old 06-11-2008, 12:46 PM   #4
sherlock holmes
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I agree with Stellata. I don't think you have schizophrenia. You haven't mentioned anything which sounds like psychosis.

I think you are anxious about lots of things, and angry about others.

I also think you should go see a doctor to get a professional diagnosis. Anything we write here is just our opinions and none of us are qualified.



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you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 06-11-2008, 02:39 PM   #5
Steel Maiden
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I don't think you have schizophrenia...I have schizophrenia so if you want to talk about it, PM me...I think you should print this post out and give it to your psychiatrist, as these problems are clearly distressing you and I think you need more than medication (perhaps psychotherapy)...



PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10 or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.

I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.


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Old 06-11-2008, 04:22 PM   #6
~*RazorbladeKiss*~
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Thank you so much for all your comments. it helped me.
and u are right. i should speak all these things properly to my psychiatrist.
but its so hard for me to express everything right,so maybe you`re right Steel Maiden. i should probably print this.

thank u all so much for your time, take care xxx





Everyone is going to hurt you sooner or later.
You just have to decide whose worth the pain.


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Old 06-11-2008, 09:16 PM   #7
shieldworld
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Scarred, like Steel said, print this out and hand it to your psychiatrist. She should be able to deduce what kind of PD you have IF you have one, and how to help you with your anxiety and paranoia.
But no, it doesn't sound like schizophrenia, you've not mentioned anything that sounds manic.




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Old 06-11-2008, 09:44 PM   #8
Steel Maiden
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I hope that you will get good help from your psych. Do tell us how it goes.



PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10 or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.

I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.


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Old 12-11-2008, 05:54 PM   #9
~*RazorbladeKiss*~
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Thank you Eleutheros..thank you all. I am going to see my psyquiatrist soon and see what happens. I will print my post,cus theres things i just cant express orally. i`ll have to read them to him.
And unfortunately im getting worse in more ways than one.
I stopped hurting myself for about 6 months(except one particular day)but now i restarted it all. I cut myself again and plus i burned myself too in my arm. I`m having that strong urge and desire all over again and im terrified.

I just cant go into the deep end again.
Well,anyway, i hope that my psquiatrist can help me and i have to do my best this time to help myself aswell,or else,i will have no life left to live.

Thank you for the hugs aswell ^-^





Everyone is going to hurt you sooner or later.
You just have to decide whose worth the pain.


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Old 14-11-2008, 04:35 AM   #10
~*RazorbladeKiss*~
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hey! i went to see my psyquiatrist today and we talked a lot and i also read to him my first post here,printed.
He says i am not schizophrenic(thank god)and he explained better what i do have. i have bipolar traces with anxiety disorder and social phobia.

he gave me new medication and i hope i get better with it.
i have to help myself,cus i cant stop taking medication again. noo..not again. its destroying my life. i cant go on this way or i`ll have no future,nothing at all.

what i want?
i want to LIVE.

^-^





Everyone is going to hurt you sooner or later.
You just have to decide whose worth the pain.


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