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Old 10-10-2020, 06:05 PM   #2561
one_step_closer
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Why can't disappearing completely be a thing? I don't know if the other CPN will be able to phone me on Monday and I don't know if she'll hear me because it's usually only my own CPN who does and sometimes she doesn't either.

And I'm very worried about my brother too.

Everything gets worse day by day.

I do feel like I'm being tortured. I need to find a way out because I can't deal with anything.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-10-2020, 06:17 PM   #2562
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Feeling like you're being tortured is a horrible way to feel, I'm so sorry. I wish things were better for you, but I hope that whichever CPN who calls you is compassionate and kind.

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Old 11-10-2020, 03:27 PM   #2563
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Thank you. I don't deserve any professional help. Right now my bother is trying to process childhood trauma, alone. And I will be part of that trauma. I wish someone would help him. He needs to reach out to someone but he's not that kind of person. I'm scared that he's just like me. I'm scared of what professional support will bring up for him.

He doesn't need another trauma but I want to die, I want to get it right for a change.


Last edited by one_step_closer : 11-10-2020 at 03:46 PM.




I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-10-2020, 04:13 PM   #2564
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There's no way to escape pain other than suicide. I've tried so many things but things just get harder. And now one of my worse nightmares has come true, the brother is suffering over childhood stuff. Finally he has phoned his GP and someone if phoning him tomorrow. The start of his mental hell journey if he even gets what he needs or has to wait forever. I always said I'd have to kill myself when his issues are causing him so much pain he has to seek help. Because I can't deal with his pain. I am selfish. I'm holding off on the suicide thing for now anyway. I'll never get it right. So what do I do? I need someone to save my brother and then he has a good life and is happy.

How do I deal with the pain of someone close to me? What can I do for him?

(What can I do for me?)

I want to die.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-10-2020, 12:55 AM   #2565
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Low on words but I don't think you're being selfish. I am sorry to hear that the both of you aren't well. Sometimes we can't cope with seeing family members being unwell that means you are human. Sadly pain and suffering is part of human life.



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Old 15-10-2020, 11:55 AM   #2566
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Thanks Dawn. I tend to feel my pain and others pain in a heightened way than most people. (My previous psychologist said he would bet his house on it). So it's unbearable. I'm just glad my brother doesn't live with me. I hope his phone call goes well today and he gets what he needs.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-10-2020, 06:37 PM   #2567
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I'm really low today, can't focus on much although I did manage the housework. I need my CPN. She must be really, really unwell. Maybe she won't get through this. The other CPN who is phoning me has changed the time she's going to phone me again. I have nothing to hold on to. I wish I could self harm the way I used to.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-10-2020, 05:07 PM   #2568
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There must be an easy way out. I'm very suicidal because there is no hope and I am trapped otherwise. I don't know how to self soothe, nothing works for me. I can't stand this emotional agony for much longer and I can't kill myself to make I stop. No one understands the pain of being suicidal and fighting through life. They all just think I'm ok because I'm not doing many risky things. Not that anyone listens to me regularly enough, or I can't find the words to explain things. I'm alone.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-10-2020, 05:18 PM   #2569
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It doesn't seem fair that you're left alone to deal with so much. I don't think you're a hopeless case, I don't think you're being offered the support you need. I know it probably doesn't help much me saying that, because really it's up to services to do a proper assessment and they don't appear to be forthcoming. So I guess I just want to reiterate that you matter, your needs and feelings matter very much.

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Old 21-10-2020, 11:52 AM   #2570
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Thanks for your reply.

It's my fault because I can't clearly explain what's going on, and especially the emotional pain. Plus I don't self harm much so they think I'm fine and not in need of any more support that I'm getting. The CMHT is really stretched just now anyway. I can't talk to my support worker because she's there for practical stuff. I tried phoning the informal crisis team but someone answered who scares me and I hung up. I want an easy way to die because this is all too much. I'm terrified that someone is going to tell me my CPN has died. I'm guessing she's got COVID again and a more serious type this time. She's already got health problems that put her at risk.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-10-2020, 01:02 PM   #2571
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Yesterday the men clearly said 'you should end your life.' But I feel like my life has already ended. I can't go forward, every step is agony and terrifying. I wish the men would tell me how to kill myself, I'm on board with this but without direction I will end up with more botched attempts. I have a telephone appointment with the CPN who is standing in for my own CPN on Wednesday. There is no point telling her this because I'm not likely to get suicide right and the men are mostly quiet. That means Lindsay = fine. I can do my shopping I can go on the bus = fine. Not phoning the crisis team = fine. There's nothing to say.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-10-2020, 12:30 AM   #2572
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It doesn’t sound like you’re fine. And it would be completely ok to tell the stand-in CPN that you’re not fine. Why does the fact that you feel suicide won’t be successful mean that you shouldn’t tell her about what’s going on for you?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 27-10-2020, 12:42 PM   #2573
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I'm supposed to be ok because of my meds, things have become a bit quieter with regards to the men but I'm scared they'll call me a medication seeker because I'm not totally well on the meds. Because I still have days when the men make things extra hard for me. And if I tell her I'm low I might be taken off my antidepressant which really helps me to sleep. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week so she could do something with my meds of say I don't need support any more. People, I feel, tend to look at actions rather than words. They need an action to back up what I'm saying. They don't see my distress day to day, they don't see my hysterical crying or not being able to do basic things. Hopefully the men will offer me a detailed way to get me out of here.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-10-2020, 02:07 PM   #2574
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Everything you've said about medication objectively sounds so reasonable. You've recognised that the antidepressants help you to sleep better (to add, it might be that it is lifting your mood a bit and it would be even lower without it). It's also, unfortunately, normal for many people with mental health problems to still struggle despite treatment. It doesn't mean that the treatment isn't effective in some way. I think a lot of people here would relate to that.

I'm sorry that people don't see the distress you live with so much of the time. You're right that they only know what you're able to report in a short period of time and that often words feel completely inadequate to the experience. I'm not sure if an action would help more, though? Do you feel as though you've been better supported when you've presented with a 'behaviour'? If so, I wonder if it nmight be worth having that conversation with services.

I know we've probably had this discussion in your thread before, so I apologise if I'm repeating. If you were to feel really heard by professionals, do you know what that might look like?

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Old 27-10-2020, 02:16 PM   #2575
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I have no words of wisdom but i believe you deserve to feel better and that you will feel better. It may take a while but it can happen and it will be worth it.



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 27-10-2020, 03:10 PM   #2576
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Thanks for your replies.

I never do any 'action' to get support, I mean if I'm struggling to the point of taking action people sometimes offer me more support. What I actually mean is just that people don't hear me but they can hear me when I have acted on the men or my mood or whatever. I don't really know how to explain this. It's just like if I say I'm really struggling but I haven't harmed myself then to them I can't be struggling that much. My words mean nothing. It's better with my own CPN she seems to understand more and when she talks to me and acknowledges how I'm feeling I feel more heard. But she might not ever come back to work. I don't want to be passed on to someone else.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-10-2020, 10:47 AM   #2577
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I need some good luck today. The other CPN is phoning at 11.30am and I don't know how to make the most of the call before it has ended and I'm left alone for ages again.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-10-2020, 11:17 AM   #2578
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My fingers are crossed for you x



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 28-10-2020, 04:01 PM   #2579
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She didn't phone. :( I have a letter from her that says she was going to phone today so I don't know what happened. The last time she didn't phone me she sent a letter saying she couldn't get connected. Everyone else seems to be able to get connected and I have spoken to her before. What's the point? My own CPN is the only person I can rely on. I'll probably get another letter from the other CPN for an appointment way in the future like she has done, even though I'm supposed to be getting regular calls. Whenever she phones I'll end up having nothing to say because it's been so long.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-10-2020, 03:51 PM   #2580
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I tried phoning the other CPN yesterday but she was out of the office and the receptionist said she'd leave a message for her to get back to me when she got back. She hasn't phoned. I think that my home phone might be a bit dodgy but I don't understand why she doesn't then try me on my mobile. I was supposed to have a review with my support worker this morning but then she had to go out to see someone else. Someone else is always more important than me.

I took the cats to the vet for their check up and boosters. I have to get taxis there and back and that makes me stressed. They have to go back again next week to get their boosters because they have runny poo at the moment. They gave me loads of confusing meds which they had made a mistake about so I had to phone about them and I was so anxious and confused. I don't know if I've got it right now either.

I can't seem to relax now. This was a busy day for me even though I didn't do much. Everything is too much. My suicidal feelings are increasing.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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