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Old 19-12-2019, 06:25 PM   #1941
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How did your appointments go?



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Old 19-12-2019, 08:15 PM   #1942
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My appointment with my CPN turned out to not really be like an appointment because she just filled in a review form and then we went to see the psychiatrist early since he was free. I've to come off Aripiprazole because I had an abnormal ECG. My psych doesn't think it's the Aripiprazole that has caused the changes but wants to take me off it just in case, until I see someone from cardiology. I had almost put the heart stuff to the back of my mind but now I'm really worried again. I'm seeing a GP to discuss the ECG tomorrow. I'm slightly worried about how I'll be off Aripiprazole but a big part of me doesn't care if stuff with the other world is around more.

I did show them some of the stuff I had written here but we didn't talk about it much. I would have preferred a proper appointment with my CPN to discuss things but maybe I'll get to the next time.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-12-2019, 07:01 PM   #1943
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I've not been able to do much direct communication today but I wish I could so I could access support. Crisis phoned me and even though it was my previous key worker who I get on the best with I said no to a visit and didn't really say anything about how I'm feeling. Everything is hugely overwhelming leading to me slapping my head much more than usual today. I'm also triggered but can't self harm well enough.

There was a power cut when I was in Tesco and I wondered if it was the men communicating but I dismissed it. I dismiss too much, I need to be properly paying attention to signs because my brother is going through a really difficult time and I need to be doing protection rituals etc again.

Life is too painful and then there will be an equally painful death at the end of it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do any more. This is all just hell.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-12-2019, 07:09 PM   #1944
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It's really difficult to come to terms with having chronic mental health problems, but that's not to say things will be like this forever. It may mean that there will be peaks and troughs over the course of life, but there is chance that the low times will become easier to manage.

What brings you comfort when you're feeling triggered and distressed? I know that I like a cup of tea, a hot water bottle and some comedy. Sometimes PRN can help as well when it's really bad. Do you have anything you can take PRN?

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Old 22-12-2019, 07:37 PM   #1945
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No, I don't have any PRN. White noise through headphones helps sometimes but I've been using it and music lots today and my ears aren't happy about it. I'm really distressed right now. Overwhelmed, as usual. The two words that describe me the most are overwhelmed and desperate. My head really hurts but I can't stop automatically slapping it. I'm getting panicky and pacing. I'm thinking about going out to possibly attempt suicide or just wander if I can't do that. I really should try and phone crisis especially since my previous key worker is on so I know she's someone who understands me. I just fail at everything.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-12-2019, 07:42 PM   #1946
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Please ring crisis. I hate to say it but if you really want help (which you do) then the only thing you can do is to ring and make sure you speak when someone answers, even if all you can manage to say is that you're thinking about attempting suicide.

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Old 22-12-2019, 08:10 PM   #1947
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I agree with np. Please reach out.



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Old 22-12-2019, 08:28 PM   #1948
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Thank you. I did manage to phone and speak to someone. I've settled a bit anyway and will try and stay home tonight. I'm so sick of all of this, I should have just acted on my impulsivity/panic/despair and got this whole life over with.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-12-2019, 08:53 PM   #1949
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I'm glad you called them and things have calmed down a bit. Were they helpful?

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Old 22-12-2019, 09:16 PM   #1950
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I'm really glad you spoke to them, and that you're still with us.



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Old 22-12-2019, 11:12 PM   #1951
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I am glad you reached out and are feeling calmer.

Are there some self-soothing things you could do tonight? X



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Old 23-12-2019, 12:49 PM   #1952
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How was your night?



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Old 23-12-2019, 01:05 PM   #1953
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Thank you all.

My night wasn't too bad I don't think. Back to having to face a full day of hell now though. I slapped my head as soon as I woke up.

I don't know if my brother is coming over tomorrow to stay for Christmas or not because he's going through something difficult right now. I'm getting stressed because I don't know what food/drink he wants because he's not really communicating with me much. If he comes over I'll have to keep my face on and I'll be worried about him so much. I'll be worried if he doesn't come too. I wish life would give him a break.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-12-2019, 09:51 PM   #1954
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I’m sorry you are so worried about your brother, worrying about those we care about can be so tiring. Maybe just buy some food and drink in you know he likes so there’s something there if he does come. It doesn’t have to be The perfect thing.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 24-12-2019, 12:03 AM   #1955
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I'm sorry your brother is having a difficult time, and that you are so worried about him.

Dealing with uncertainty can be difficult. I second Buttons' suggestion of getting stuff you know he likes in case he does come over X



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Old 24-12-2019, 12:14 PM   #1956
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Thank you both.

There is no Quorn roast left in the local Tesco so it looks like he'll need to have something more normal if he comes over. I'm feeling really stressed because I have no more room in my freezer and I'm having to do multiple trips to the shops because I don't drive and can only carry so much in one go. I also don't think I will have got enough food/drink for him if he comes over. Christmas is going to be terrible whether he comes or not. I'm so tired of having to worry about him.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-12-2019, 01:06 PM   #1957
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I am sorry shopping for food is so stressful and that you're so worried. I can relate to having to do multiple trips, not driving sucks.

If your brother is coming over, do you know how long he'd be staying? Could you ask him to bring something? You shouldn't have to do it all by yourself (if your brother is able to help out, of course.)

Do you know what you will be doing if your brother can't come over? X



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Old 24-12-2019, 04:12 PM   #1958
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Thanks. I managed to get some things for my brother but nothing for myself because I couldn't carry it all plus there is no room in my fridge/freezer. My brother text me today saying he has worked things out with his partner and he is coming over at some point tonight. He is bringing some food, probably just for himself though.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-12-2019, 05:44 PM   #1959
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Well done for getting what you could X

I'm glad your brother is coming over. If your fridge/freezer is full and your brother is bringing more stuff, you could share the food? Or do you not like the same food as your brother? X



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Old 24-12-2019, 07:39 PM   #1960
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He'll probably bring fridge food and that should fit. I'm not going to eat any of his food if he's brought it for himself, he'll just have brought enough to do him and assume that I have got my own stuff. It's ok. I have stuff for meals anyway.

I'm really hoping he's ok and not hugely anxious about being here. I'm going to have to keep a face on all the time I'm with him. I'll have to do some quiet self harming too, and my current self harm of choice is loud but I have a way around it. I can't do anything that involves bleeding, definitely not.

I'm also hoping my sleep won't be further disrupted by the lights being on and him moving around my house. I'm being ridiculous anyway, it's supposed to be about family at Christmas and people have to make some sacrifices.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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