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Old 23-11-2019, 07:42 PM   #1861
one_step_closer
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Thanks NP.

I have things I could do like reading or TV or word searches etc but I get overwhelmed trying to decide what to do and then I can't focus on anything or things feel like a waste of time. I'm feeling really awful tonight and I wish it was easy for me to just pick up the phone like people expect me to do. But yet again I'm probably safe enough so there's nothing anyone can do. I need to kill myself soon. Other people can do it so that means it's possible for me too. It's for the best. I can't be trapped here.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-11-2019, 04:45 PM   #1862
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I need to stop being so lazy, I'm supposed to be doing lots of risky stuff yet I'm just sitting around keeping myself safe except for minor self harm. I feel like there is a barrier that stops me from doing most risky stuff now and I hate it. I am causing other people huge physical and emotional pain, and death, all because I can't seem to make myself do any of the things I'm supposed to. It's mostly during the evening that I realise a lot of what I should be doing and haven't done but during the day I decide not to do things like buy things to overdose. I need to have my evening head on during the day.

I am such a failure.

And the past can never be changed.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-11-2019, 07:48 PM   #1863
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What makes you think that you're 'supposed' to be doing risky stuff?

And do you have any examples of how you're causing other people pain? That really doesn't seem likely to me and I suspect that it's part of your illness making you think that.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 25-11-2019, 11:38 AM   #1864
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This is my purpose in life, after killing my twin and being reprogrammed. It's all I've ever known and it's what I want too. This is who I am. I can't just forget about what the men have done and my purpose. I have no current examples of people being hurt by me because the men aren't communicating very much and I'm not around people much but there will be people I don't know about who are in pain and distress because I'm not preventing it. I don't want this calm on the surface life either, doing risky stuff would better fit with how I'm feeling. I miss causing myself damage etc, I don't want to let go of it for me as well as for other people.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-11-2019, 11:49 AM   #1865
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There are too many decisions to be made about what to do each day but I also can't deal with having things that I definitely have to do if they are with other people/involve lots of pressure etc. I'm usually ok with sticking to my housework routine but last week I messed it up a bit. Today I was supposed to go to the walking group and I kept changing my mind about if I should or not since it's cold and I can't really walk and talk well and I can't hear people well when out walking. But my CPN wants me to try it. Then I didn't know if I should walk down to Tesco or go on the bus somewhere and I kept changing the direction I was walking in because I kept changing my mind about what to do. It sounds really small and pathetic but life is overwhelming with the opposites of having too many decisions to make and having things forced on me. Not that I have anything forced on me right now but it's a worry for the future. I feel like the gym group is a sort of forced thing and that makes it harder for me to get there even though I do like it. I'm such an idiot. I can't deal with normal life. I just keep hitting my head because I'm so distressed with everything.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-11-2019, 02:22 PM   #1866
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Copied from R/V because maybe someone will have something to say that would be useful: Went out again and was overwhelmed by people. Even just thinking 'what if I had to talk to that person?' It made me panicky and feel like I was going to cry. I can't do anything normal. The walking group passed me too and they look extra scary in a non-scary way.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-11-2019, 08:25 PM   #1867
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
This is my purpose in life, after killing my twin and being reprogrammed. It's all I've ever known and it's what I want too. This is who I am. I can't just forget about what the men have done and my purpose. I have no current examples of people being hurt by me because the men aren't communicating very much and I'm not around people much but there will be people I don't know about who are in pain and distress because I'm not preventing it. I don't want this calm on the surface life either, doing risky stuff would better fit with how I'm feeling. I miss causing myself damage etc, I don't want to let go of it for me as well as for other people.
Would you apply this logic to other people as well? Are there other people who have this purpose and cause hurt to people in this way?

In terms of being overwhelmed when deciding what to do; could you have a list of possible activities per day? So that there aren't things you definitely have to do but there are still ideas. Like, I have a to do list app thingy and sometimes I can prioritise or choose what I'm going to do, but if I'm feeling cranky and can't do that, I can just do the things on the list in order. Not sure if that makes sense and/or might be any use?

You mentioned being worried about what if you had to speak to the people outside- would it help to actually follow through with that line of thought and work out what you would do in different scenarios? I know you can't prepare for absolutely everything, but maybe having a rough idea of how to approach some of the key 'emergencies' that you are worried about would help you feel better?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 26-11-2019, 04:16 PM   #1868
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I don't know if there are other people who hurt people due to being evil but if there are I wouldn't want them to be hurting themselves to protect others. I treat myself completely differently from other people because I hate myself so much. My CPN is always saying if I could show myself the same compassion I show others my life would be much better. I will never allow myself to be any kinder to myself than I already am which is too much as it is.

I do have a list of activities etc but it's overwhelming trying to choose from the list and then my focus is absolutely rubbish so I can't do things for long. Trying to start something once I have decided on it is hard too and just leads me to hit my head and make stupid noises. The world in general is overwhelming.

There are probably lots of different things that make up my scared feelings of interacting with people so it's not really all about what we'd talk about since I can improvise there even if I say idiotic things. People just look really scary and they're all different and I can't see what they're thinking. I'm scared of people judging me, I'm scared of some people because of the way they look or sound, I feel exhausted or dissociate even with minimal contact with people so I worry about having too much contact and not being properly able to regulate what I'm saying or doing.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-11-2019, 06:08 PM   #1869
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This is probably not something to consider at the current moment, but have you ever considered doing any exposure work for the people? I used to be fairly agoraphobic due to fears about people and interacting and judgements, but with work and effort I've been able to reduce my anxiety and manage better. It's still tiring but I'm able to do a lot better with it and worry what they're thinking somewhat less.

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Old 26-11-2019, 08:06 PM   #1870
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I'm not sure who would help me with that, and I do manage to interact with support (at the gym group) and I go on the bus home with one of the group so I'm not really terrible which means people might not think I need support. My CPN does want me to be doing more social things but I can't find anything I'm interested in. If I could find something then maybe my key worker or support worker could help me get involved.

I'm mega stressed. A guy came to my door from some genealogy place saying one of my Uncles died in 2017 (who I don't think I've even met) and he didn't leave a will so they're tracking down his family to see about inheriting his estate or whatever. It's legit and they have visited my other Uncle and spoke to my brother on the phone. I'm stressed because it might involve lots of contact with professionals and there is stuff about solicitors etc. I'm also anxious that the guy might be watching my house or he might have left something in my house to record things. I'm not reading any of the info he left until tomorrow but I don't know how to calm down tonight.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-11-2019, 08:23 PM   #1871
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That does sound confusing and stressful. I hope you can find a way to calm down and get some rest tonight.



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Old 27-11-2019, 09:55 AM   #1872
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Do you think the activities are something you could discuss with your support worker? I was in a similar position in one of my depressive episodes and each week I sat down with my support work to plan an activity a day. It didn't matter if I didn't do it or if I swapped and changed a bit but it did help with the "I need to do something but deciding what is too big right now". I had to rate my mood before and after too. After a few weeks I start to notice some activities provided a small lift in mood.

Have you seen the show heir hunters? They never plant recording devices and don't put people under surveillance they don't have time or manpower for one! I just wonder if seeing a show like that might put some of your concerns into context



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Old 27-11-2019, 11:02 AM   #1873
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Thank you both.

I calmed down a bit last night when my other Uncle said it's not a stressful process, I just have to sign a form and they'll get in touch if I'm due anything. This company do feature on Heir Hunters, the guy went on about it a lot. I'm just kind of confused and shocked and anxious in general I think. This morning there was a council van parked outside my house which scared me a bit and then when I went out they came out of my neighbours house and my neighbour said they were checking her gas. I mostly believe her but because of worrying about my neighbours being manipulated before I'm a bit suspicious and concerned about what might be going on. I'm trying to accept that it's most likely there is nothing suspicious going on.

I could maybe talk to my support worker about the activities stuff. I think I need more options of what I can do with my time but that just makes me feel pressured and I can't cope with most new stuff. I am going to the gym with the group on an extra day at the moment and might start going to a depression and anxiety support group when it starts up again. I'm seeing my CPN today and I really hope she's not going to be annoyed that I still haven't been to the walking group. She's never usually annoyed but soon I will surely disappoint her. I don't think the walking group is for me right now but I am trying other things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-11-2019, 03:31 PM   #1874
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I think it's okay if a walking group isn't for you at the moment. Especially given you are trying other things. I hope your CPN is understanding.

I had a thought re going out and speaking to people. What if you got a big obvious pair of headphones and wore them? You wouldn't have to play music if you didn't want to, but most people know that if you have headphones on you can't hear them so don't talk to you. They would have no way of knowing if you weren't listening to anything either and generally assume you are.



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Old 27-11-2019, 04:06 PM   #1875
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Thanks.

My CPN was absolutely fine with me not going to the walking group. I keep thinking people are going to get onto me about the things I'm not doing when in reality they tell me to focus on the things I am doing.

I do wear big headphones some of the time. Most people don't actually talk to me and it's not that I expect them to I'm just generally afraid of what could happen. I'm either very aware of the people around me or not so aware and both of those states bring their own difficulties. It's my thinking that is the problem mostly.

My CPN said she doesn't know why I hate myself so much but she knows a lot about me so I don't really understand why she said that. She thinks psychology would be helpful for me but that they worry a lot about risky behaviours and that even though I don't do many risky things now she still considers me to be impulsive and likely to do risky things, so psychology might not be able to offer me support. I don't even want to learn to be kinder to myself anyway. I want to be able to harm myself better.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-11-2019, 06:32 PM   #1876
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I didn't feel up to going to the gym group today. It's hard to go twice a week. Next week is looking too busy for me, I really can't do anything normal. This week has felt like too much also, which is why I didn't make it to the gym group today. I'm so scared about future pressure.

Someone I know said she nearly died twice on Saturday and is back on observations (she's in hospital). I met someone today who is possibly going into hospital tomorrow. I know too many mentally ill people and I'm badly affected by their experiences. I can't protect myself and I also can't seem to express my own distress. I have to OD or something, no mater how much I can't be bothered with the treatment consequences.

I hate the dark evenings. I want to hurt myself badly to release some of my distress but I can't. I'm so pathetic.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-11-2019, 08:13 PM   #1877
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Triggered by another suicide but have a cat on my lap. Life is so distressing.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-11-2019, 08:14 PM   #1878
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I'm not really sure what to say. I get the sense you don't generally want suggestions or advice. But I have read, I am thinking of you, and I hope you were able to stay safe. It can be really hard to be friends with people who are also unwell and struggling, because you feel so strongly for them. But when they encounter successes, you will also be able to feel that as well. I hope your acquaintances/friends are okay, and that you can take care of yourself as best as possible.

edit- Sorry about the ninja post! I'm glad you have your cats to help you keep safe and comforted during times of distress.



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Old 29-11-2019, 08:19 PM   #1879
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Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry if I seem to push away advice, I don't mean to. I appreciate any sort of support that can be offered.

I bought stuff to overdose on today but still need some more although I don't know if I will get more.

Everything makes me feel like I want to cry.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-11-2019, 08:27 PM   #1880
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It's okay if you aren't in a space to take on advice, I think just acknowledging that can be a really great step. I'm just personally not so great at knowing what to reply or say otherwise to offer support.

Crying is okay to do, as it is a good way to release emotions. Are you able to actually cry, or do you just feel like you are going to?



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