Someone was killed by a train this morning. It says there are no suspicious circumstances so, suicide? I need to give myself permission to do something. I need to get out.
Professionals say that BPD gets better with age. They say that emotions etc become less intense but maybe it's just that self destructive behaviours are harder to achieve, like with me. There is then no relief from the intense pain.
I won't be able to express anything to my CPN tomorrow in a way that shows how agonising things are. Nothing will help anyway. People might wonder why I didn't accept being put through to NHS 24 last night, they might think I was refusing support that could have helped me, but I know there is nothing that anyone can do and I couldn't waste resources especially at this busy time of the year.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It was hard to connect and communicate with my CPN because I felt so far away and didn't know in what form things existed. I can't take things in properly. I couldn't even think at points because all I was thinking was 'this doesn't exist.' I can't explain this to anyone. I can see that it probably looks like I'm talking crap because I say I don't feel like anything exists but I still manage to interact in some way with whatever goes on in whatever form those things exist.
I felt like hiding in the shower cubicle at the gym group. I was so low and feeling very unreal. I managed to go into the gym but after about 2 minutes on the treadmill I felt like I was mentally drowning and had to stop. I spoke to the support worker for a bit. I acted extra stupid and couldn't hide some of the things that I would normally hide because I felt so unreal. It's a struggle to moderate myself when I'm disconnected.
I just can't, can't explain this. Unless someone has experienced dissociation beyond zoning out when driving etc then I don't know if anyone could truly understand what this is like. Yes, I am now telling myself that I'm probably dissociating but at the same time it feels too unreal to even be a thing. Nothing exists. I am so mute and alone with this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
People who are diagnosed with other illnesses can use words to explain how they feel and people understand that they need help. The way illness is defined in BPD is with the actions taken - self harming and suicide attempts etc, but I need intense support at points even when I'm not doing those things. Other illnesses can be heard through words but BPD seems to require proof that things are awful.
I really have no words that will clearly communicate my distress and my behaviours are difficult to 'do'. I don't not behave in self destructive ways because I'm not hurting, they are just less reachable now. I am totally mute and invisible with regards to people acknowledging my distress.
There's nothing left to offer anyway. I have lots of different professionals in my life and I've tried psychology. I don't think my psychiatrist would be willing to take another look at my meds. The only other support I can choose is a short admission to hospital, they expect me to say when I think I need one but am I really going to choose that? Even if I did think it would be beneficial and I mentioned it I'm sure they wouldn't just simply say ok. I've tried so hard with treatments and life and I'm tired of trying. Life is just pointless hell.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I guess I feel like people can't see I need more support than I'm getting right now, even though I do have good support. I should probably just say that I need something more instead of expecting professionals to notice but when they don't notice it makes me feel like I must be exaggerating and I don't need anything more because they aren't saying I need anything more. It does feel that getting support when you have BPD is very much based on behaviours.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I gave blood for the first time today. It was overall a really positive and worthwhile experience but...
Being asked the questions about sex was quite distressing and I felt like crying and punching myself but didn't. I'm trying to stop thinking about it now. Also, when I was at the table having and drink and biscuit afterwards the staff swapped over who was watching/looking after us and it reminded me of being on constant obs in hospital which is currently making me a bit upset.
Life is a big trigger. I feel very vulnerable. I hate myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Try to focus on the positives - you did a fantastic thing today! Despite the uncomfortableness of it, you still did it. That's something to be incredibly proud of.
On the verge of crying though. I phoned the informal crisis team to see if I could speak to someone but the person who answered was the one person who always makes me feel worse so that was 100% nope and I hung up.
I need to do some bashing but I have a cat on me. I really want to do some bashing but I care about cat well being. Pathetic.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It was extra hard not to think about things when I was trying to get to sleep. I talk to myself in my head or imagine telling my CPN things and then I shout swear words out loud and make noises and punch myself. I can't ever be a normal adult. The night made it seem like a good plan to overdose, as it does a lot, and I tried to tell myself not to give in to thoughts that I shouldn't do it when I'm awake and out of bed but yet again I didn't buy any X today. I can imagine things getting really stressful and distressing with external pressures and I'll want to shout and cry and really hurt myself but I probably won't be able to do those things. I can't cope with life. I can't cope with even small external not ok things. At one point things will come falling further down and it will be beyond hell. I need to die before that happens.
I was waiting for the bus home after being out today and the weather was sunny in a way that was like the last bit of the day we would play outside as children. It was a bit shady and there was a cool breeze. Those conditions always make me feel upset when I'm standing still so I have to experience them. Experiencing childhood when it was happening was likely actually ok but the feelings brought up now are far from ok. I felt like I was going to get upset and have to hide but I wanted to get home asap so I fought hard to hold things in and managed.
I kind of feel like going for a wander but I don't know if I should.
I don't want to hold off from doing things any longer.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I was just wondering...why was experiencing child hood as it happened ok? But not experiencing memories of it now are so difficult? It sounds really distressing for you x
I think that if you managed to voice your needs regarding a bit more support, the people in your team wouldn't be annoyed nor would they try to belittle it. I think they'd simply ask you why you feel that way and maybe that would be an opportunity to talk about some of the things that are bothering you or that you find hard to cope with. Sometimes just stating a small thing you need from the professionals is actually helpful to them. It might help to point them in the right direction.
Sometimes we forget that everything is obvious only to ourselves and not neccessarily everyone else. And you may feel that you should not ask anything more of them because you don't really need anything more but that is just a lie your thoughts are feeding you. The mental health system was created because of people like us and FOR people like us. They are there to help you, to listen to you and to guide you. You are their priority and helping you is their job. And nothing you can say to them will ever be too much. You have a right to speak about what you need. To set the pace and to voice every little thing that may concern you. And if you need to talk about the same things over and over, so what???? Because every time you do, something new might come up. And it's okay.
It may seem like a victory that you don't harm yourself but when the thoughts about it are still so distressing and when the cravings are still as bad as they used to be then this is a very valid problem that you simply need to make them aware of. Things like this tend to fester. To build up to a point of total meltdown. From your posts it's clear you used to harm yourself severely and i'd be worried that the thoughts and the distress could make you snap and give in. I'd hate to see that happen. I just wanted to point out that even if you abstain from causing yourself physical harm, your distress and your feelings and thoughts are still real and it would be more than okay to voice this to the professionals in your life and ask them for some specific advice on how to cope with this.
I think that in the exact moment of playing outside in the sun as a child it wouldn't have been distressing, and children tend to be strong anyway. The way I look at the memories as an adult is with all the other things that were going on and with adult eyes that see the pain and acknowledge it. Maybe I was distressed out in the sun, it's just the situation that I see as not being a childhood disaster when I don't connect it to anything. Don't know if I explained any of that well.
I have previous bad experiences of asking for support and being told that I'm trying to make it seem like I'm not functioning when I'm actually fine or that there is no clinical reason for me to have any more support. Those times were with a previous CPN though and I get on well with my current CPN but I got on well with that previous CPN to begin with and then she seemed to turn on me and I worry about that happening with my current CPN. I can't explain what is going on with me and I can't express it through behaviours so it looks like I'm absolutely fine. I don't know if I could say specific things that are hard right now it's a general bad feeling and that doesn't give much direction.
Thank you for acknowledging the pain of wanting to self harm etc even when I don't actually self harm. I don't think people understand that the triggers and distress are hard too, and I find them especially hard when I can't act on them. I'll be fine physically though because I really seem to have lost the ability to self harm well no matter how much damage I want to inflict. So I don't think there will be a big serious self harm incident, although maybe a big emotional incident, but again likely not because I try very hard to keep everything hidden even when I'm on the edge. I don't know what to do. It's all just so pointless and I'm sick of myself.
I was thinking last night how little human touch I receive, because I was remembering the little touches when I was donating blood. I feel sad. I feel isolated.
Things can only get worse.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I didn't make it to the gym group today although I did try. I wasn't feeling great and when I got to the place where the gym is there had been an accident and some scaffolding had fallen on people and that made me feel even more upset. I need to hide but I need a person too. I can't cope with normal life, how would I cope if I had a job to go to and couldn't come home and hide when I feel bad?
I cut but not enough.
I'm not sure if I can trust the chain that leads my meds to get to me. I trust the pharmacist but he won't know exactly where the meds come from. I can't even easily ask him any more because the chemist has been refitted so he's hidden most of the time.
I got a letter through with an appointment to see my psychiatrist at the end of the month. I won't be able to explain myself again.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
So suicidal. I wish I would get on with it. There is absolutely no point to my life and I don't even want a point because even a point would be pointless to me. Just do it. People will look after each other.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I discovered a scary place in my house last night that I thought was just in my dreams. I've never noticed it before. I just saw the entrance though and I think it only really is accessible through the night. It leads to a sort of abandoned house with scary people in it. I don't know if they're related to other things that have been going on or if they're related to the men or not. I was really afraid last night and thought about overdosing but didn't.
I had a massive headache when I got out of bed this morning and felt low and anxious and vulnerable. I went to get my prescription and then went to do some food shopping and felt like I was going to have to sit down somewhere and put my hood up and hide but I didn't because people would see me. I got through the shopping and went back to the chemist to see if I could speak to the pharmacist about my meds. He told me that they get meds from legitimate companies and he wouldn't give me them if there was any way they were something different to what I'm prescribed. He said he can see that things are really bad right now and he thinks someone needs to review my meds but my psychiatrist is very anti meds in BPD. I said that people think I'm ok because I'm not self harming badly and the pharmacist said that's not fair because self harm is only one symptom. He hears me but no one else really does, he's not a MH professional so he is probably mistaken with what unwell actually is. I am always absolutely fine.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
