Triggering (Abuse) - Helping Her? Also possible abusive relationship?

[tosca]

Hi

Sorry if I got the labelling wrong, my post will mention sexual abuse but very vaguely.

I have a girlfriend, we have been dating for about two years but on and off. She was sexually abused when she was young and beaten by her father and she was also raped by someone she knew well and admired when she was fifteen so she has a lot of problems with intimacy and trust which I accept. I know I am the only person who she has ever talked to about it all, and once I made her go to her GP and explain bits of the situation and her anxiety but she didn't get any help and also it made her feel worse so I am trying not to push her into anything now.

Sometimes when she is very upset she can say quite horrible things to me, things like 'I don't love you, how could I love you, I hate you' and that she wishes she'd never met me which is hurtful but she is always so apologetic and she has been doing this less and less, she is getting a lot better and she has made an application to something called Stepping Stones(?) and has an appointment for a therapy evaluation but I don't know if she will manage to go to it. she also tends to turn things round on me and has a much better memory than me so if i say something wrong she will quote it back at me word-perfect a week later.

I think she is scared of how much stronger than her I am - I was in a swimming competition last year and I won easily and she was so quiet afterwards and eventually said she hadn't realised how strong my arms were. I'm also four inches taller than her.

There have also been times when she has physically attacked me. Normally it was before I knew about the abuse and I would try to come up behind her to hug her and she would start flailing around and hitting me on the arms - I do not blame her for that because I know it's just panic and now I move more slowly around her and always ask before I touch her and now that's fine. Also sometimes when she is really upset she has hit me on purpose. She is quite thin and small so it doesn't hurt but that isn't really the point, she scratches and kicks me and it came to a head last month when she punched me in the stomach, it didn't hurt but I could tell it was supposed to and she was using all her strength. She instantly burst into tears and later that day she told me she had to leave me because she was scared of herself and I wasnt sure what to say so I agreed but that night she called me and tried to talk to me again and I took her back.

I think part of the problem is how much she depends on me. I am the only one she talks to and she has pushed all of her friends away because she is scared of them - unfortunately pushing our mutual friends away have made things complicated for me as well. She calls me several times a day and complains that I don't call her, which is fair enough because I have unlimited calls and she only has £10 a month phone credit. I just don't seem to be able to help her any more! I made her a LOT of promises that I would always do my best and that I would always love her and want to talk to her and see her. And I'm not doing my best, I still love her just as much but it doesn't seem to working - I'm not helping her, calling her or even talking to her online. I can hear a whine in my voice if she says we should hang out, I know I know I'm a horrible person :(

But all I can think is how unfair it is - I don't have anybody to talk to at all - I've never been particularly close to my Dad and my mum is very strict and stressed all the time so has always been snappy with me and my sister.

And if I laid a finger on her (I never would, dont worry) I would hurt her so badly, and completely destroy her. She gets scared when I raise my voice and when I try to sit her down and talk to her she usually ends up crying and apologising over and over again.

We agreed to get a little bit of distance in between us but she isn't keeping to it. Well, she is, but not as much as I'd hoped. In fact it's counter-productive because if she waits an extra two hours before calling me it doesn't particularly help me and it makes her a LOT more upset.

I hope this post makes sense and I hope I don't come across as the worst person in the world. I love her lots and we were planning to move in together next year, when she starts her second year of university (she's a year younger than me which is another thing that makes her seem so fragile). In a way things would be easier if we lived together - her mum was away on business for 3 days last month and I went to stay with her for the whole time and it was the best we've got on EVER! she's less needy because i'm close at hand and its easier to help her because it only takes 10 minutes of talking to her in real life to calm her down but it takes an hour on the phone. But right now the idea of living with her feels like a NIGHTMARE, even though I know it wouldnt be- it's all that's keeping her sane and I dont think I can go through with it unless things change

Sorry this is such an insanely long post. It's been bubbling inside me for a long time, I guess. She makes me feel so bad about myself most of the time, but other times it's just so perfect and I KNOW she's not to blame for how she acts so then I feel even worse and guiltier for getting resentful!

If you managed to read all the way down to the bottom, does anybody have any advice? Opinions? Or hugs? >.< Haven't had a real hug in about a year, lol.....

Thanks. And please don't think I'm a horrible person, I think I phrased some of it wrong.

Thanks

Catherine xx

[Sigma]

have you thought about seeing a counsellor together? you can be as supportive as possible but she also needs to take some steps for herself, you can't do it all no matter how much you try, you'll just get burnt out. seeing a counsellor together could help you to talk about how difficult you find it in a supportive way?

[RemoteControl]

i know you obviously care about her and love her a great deal, and that shines through the whole post. so dont worry, you sound like the least horrible person.

i think you need to get support yourself. it can put a massive strain on people who are supporting those who have been through what she has been through, and you need to get some support yourself if youve got any hopes of being able to support her through this difficult time. Especially if she starts therapy, it can get worse before it gets better.

All i can suggest is just to carry on trying to support her if you feel that you can, get some support yourself definately, and encourage her to go into therapy.

it can sometimes take a long time to get the right therapy and the right person, so if this stepping stones thing doesnt work out, encourage her to find somewhere else. it can be a very frustrating process, but she will get there in the end.

Take care of yourself,
*hugs*
Margaret

[tosca]

thank you for replying guys

i never really thought about getting help for myself.. it feels as if i'd be being selfish? i dont know. then again, i never thought about things getting worse before they get better, but of course you're right, headrush :-\

Tokoloshe, I've never heard of that, how could you get that? I mean, I've heard of marriage counselling but that's probably not the same thing...

[RemoteControl]

you're not being selfish in the slightest, just mature in trying to understand how best you can help your girlfriend and yourself get through a difficult time.

[lizzy100]

u could always try ringing a helpline to talk to someone and ask for advice on how to help her?

most counselors will also do couple's counseling. i've gotten it with my boyfriend. i think you're a great person for helping her through this, but i agree you guys need more help than you're currently getting. i'm glad she's applied for therapy. but doing therapy together will probably be productive as well.

[foxfly]

I know what this feels like. To constantly have to look after someone and to constantly feel like no one is looking out for you. It's really hard to love someone who has a lot of problems. I don't mean that it's hard to love them, I just mean that loving and caring for someone ill puts a lot of strain on you as a person. I don't think you're a horrible person at all. I completely understand why you feel trapped or feel like you need some distance. I think you need to look out for yourself too, because you will be no good to yourself or you girlfriend if you are ill too. It's important to get some support, whether from friends or therapists, and I really feel like you need to look out for yourself. It's wonderful that you want to look after her, too, and I think you're doing a lot for her, and will always be important to her. However, you aren't a substitute for her getting professional help from someone, and she shouldn't behave like you are.

If you ever want to PM me and talk, then do feel free. xx