Doctors on Thursday

UnanimousAnonymous · 01-02-2016, 11:02 PM

I have to go to this appointment.
I somehow have to get them to take me seriously.
I am sure they wont though. I ate yesterday, i ate today. First time in a while. but hey i am alive.

I purged, for the first time in a long time today. It wasnt good enough...

I have well and truly relapsed.
I am scared, scared of the future and scared that i will never recover.

The thing is, i look fine, no body would know. Yes, i have lost weight but im not obviously ill. but its been 17 long ****ing years of going back and forth with this disorder and im done. I cannot deal with this anymore.

Please people, make me go and what do i bloody well say? Because i am not good at talking and very good at looking ok.

UnanimousAnonymous · 02-02-2016, 08:00 AM

Thank you for replying. I'm going to have to be quick as I have to go to work. But yes, I want support to recover completely. I've previously had bad experiences with the adult mental health team and spent well over a year on the intake team when you are only meant to see them for 8 weeks. But that was years ago and I haven't had support since.

I have become so absorbed in this and I can't concentrate on anything else. I know the triggers for it but now I can't get out of it.

I will come back later after work, today at work is causing huge anxiety itself.

Uglyducklin · 02-02-2016, 08:55 PM

Hi Hun I'm so sorry you are hurting it is truly awful when your eating disorder takes all you have. Make a list including dates and any blood pressure numbers and A and E visits then if you get in there and lose your words you have something to give them. Thinking of you xx

UnanimousAnonymous · 02-02-2016, 09:11 PM

Thank you guys, I'm terrified.
Today at work didn't go well and then i come home to this battle between brain and body. I can't believe I've relapsed into purging again. I did so well and now I feel so disheartened and like a failure in everything. And there I was standing discussing mental illness and eating disorders earlier - such a freaking joke.

Uglyducklin · 02-02-2016, 09:17 PM

It is not a joke and neither are you . Hugs xx

UnanimousAnonymous · 04-02-2016, 08:04 PM

So because I've coped this long, it's a 'down faze'. I have been given pills, having a blood test and going back in a month...to re-evaluate.

And she said it, ED services are crap and getting worse and I. Am. Not. Sick. Enough.

One big fraud.

Uglyducklin · 04-02-2016, 08:26 PM

I'm so sorry that was your experience my blood is boiling on your behalf! How terribly dismissive ! You are absolutely not a fraud . ED services are insanely oversubscribed. How do you view the place you are in Hun? Xx

UnanimousAnonymous · 04-02-2016, 08:37 PM

I feel horrendous.
Came home. Ate the small amount i do all day, purged, more blood.
But its ok, its just a faze.

Even though its been 17 ****ing years.

My teeth are ****ed, im blacking out, im having heart palpitations but because i dont have an anorexic BMI....im fine.

Pop a multivitamin, drink water, take the happy pills and when im over this episode i will be fine...

Uglyducklin · 04-02-2016, 09:06 PM

**** I'm so sorry xx

UnanimousAnonymous · 05-02-2016, 08:17 AM

There is no referral planned at the moment.

I know it sounds stupid but my brain is screaming at me to lose so much more weight and then I may be taken seriously...
I cannot even speak this morning as my throat is raw from purging.
I ordered exercise equipment with money I don't have so I can exercise more...
I feel so ridiculous and I'm scared to take the meds incase of weight gain.

My mind is completely ****ed today. Thank got its Friday.

Uglyducklin · 14-02-2016, 07:42 PM

How are you doing? Thinking of you ?

UnanimousAnonymous · 16-02-2016, 10:54 PM

I'm in a really bad place at the moment.
I overdosed.
I haven't done this in years and I'm scared of what I have become.
I have seeked help and am waiting for an ambulance.
I didn't mean to get like this... I just kept taking them.
But I am fat and not worthy.
I have been binging and purging hasn't really happened because all that comes up is blood.
I really don't know what is happening to me and what the hell am I going to tell work?
I don't know what to do anymore....

UnanimousAnonymous · 17-02-2016, 12:31 PM

I just got home. I was almost sectioned but agreed to see the crisis team daily and see how it goes from there. I am exhausted as I was sat in a chair for the whole night so I will try to come back later when I am feeling up to it.

Uglyducklin · 17-02-2016, 05:41 PM

Big hugs I'm so sorry you are hurting. I'm low on words but thinking of you xx