Ok, why do you think you made the appointment?
What do you want to tell her? Think about why you made the appointment x
I made the appointment because I wasn't sure what to do and I don't want to end up overdosing or having to kill myself even though it's unavoidable.
I'm not sure what I can say that won't freak her out to think I should be hospitalized. I'm obviously not a danger to myself. Hospital wouldn't be useful. Especially not when I am attempting to function and get out of bed every day and go to school and such. Plus the dog.
I'd like to say a number of things which I'm not allowed to say. Even on here. But I guess the first bit if it were allowed would essentially be what I would want to try to tell her. But even if I did there's not going to be anything she could do about it.
edit: Like, I don't want to go and try to explain this and just have her stare at me with pity or say, well that must be hard I'm sorry. That doesn't solve anything and would just make me angry. I think part of me wants recognition but I don't want it in a condescending way? I probably make zero sense.
Last edited by Auror. : 17-01-2015 at 11:54 PM.
Reason: added
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You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I swear if anybody else just tells me I'm not trying hard enough I might kill them. I'm actually angry enough that I could. I'm obviously just making everything up and I'm just too lazy to put any effort into things. ****.
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You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Justin told me to stop complaining about things and to actually put some effort into them. Because clearly I'm not trying at all. Even the doctor lady said that in her email. I'm not trying. I am trying but obviously not near enough.
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You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
It's pretty clear you're having to try hard just to get through the day. I guess when it comes to your feelings they might think you're not trying because you're not doing some of the things that are suggested for various reasons (like challenging the thoughts). I don't mean that as a criticism, it's more just the way things are. You're doing other things like talking here about why you made the appointment and it's good to explore those things. Obviously that doesn't mean you're not trying overall - as I said it is clear you are. Maybe you can ask your doctor or Justin what "trying" looks like to them, what do they expect it to be?
About being "too lazy to put effort into things" that's clearly not true, everything is pretty effort full right now for you and you're still doing many things even though it's hard. I'm sorry that wasn't acknowledged xx
Ps on an earlier post - how would recognition look from her that wouldn't be condescending?
Maybe if we talk about it a bit more when you see her you can outline what you would find helpful to hear from her, and what you can say in your limits.
It's pretty clear you're having to try hard just to get through the day. I guess when it comes to your feelings they might think you're not trying because you're not doing some of the things that are suggested for various reasons (like challenging the thoughts). I don't mean that as a criticism, it's more just the way things are. You're doing other things like talking here about why you made the appointment and it's good to explore those things. Obviously that doesn't mean you're not trying overall - as I said it is clear you are. Maybe you can ask your doctor or Justin what "trying" looks like to them, what do they expect it to be?
About being "too lazy to put effort into things" that's clearly not true, everything is pretty effort full right now for you and you're still doing many things even though it's hard. I'm sorry that wasn't acknowledged xx
Thank you lovely. I know for Justin trying would probably mean tangible things- like going to therapy and talking, taking meds, and I guess just in general functioning better? We've had this argument many many times over the years. He doesn't want to hear how I do try as is and even though I've explained to him what would happen if I was not trying, I don't think he actually understands or processes it. Or doesn't want to think it could get that bad? I don't know.
I think for the doctor lady trying would be something different though I am unsure what. Even if I do go see her and try to talk it's not enough so I don't know.
Thank you. It's not that I don't want to try things. It's that I don't honestly understand why I should go against something when it clearly is correct. I mean if I had not tried already I would consider it but I have and it ended poorly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snow White.
Ps on an earlier post - how would recognition look from her that wouldn't be condescending?
Maybe if we talk about it a bit more when you see her you can outline what you would find helpful to hear from her, and what you can say in your limits.
I'm terrified for tomorrow because I know if nothing comes out of it I'm going to probably get so triggered and upset that I'll end up doing something later on whether or not I want to. I'm not sure what it would look like that is not condescending. I guess having an actual suggestion of something I could do or try to make things better that hasn't already been tried? I need something to change and obviously if I knew how to do it I would have done it already. Not just sitting there and having her say well that must be hard or that sounds concerning or something. Or, well you can come back next week if you want.
I'm angry. I'm angry that even though I do try I get blown off by everyone even professionals. I know most of the time I don't want anything they can offer- i.e. meds or hospital but when that's all they have to suggest over and over and they can't suggest anything else, there's no point. I don't think any of this is serious or anything like that but at the same time that doesn't mean I like it.
I'm just going to go in there and panic and shut down. I don't see any way around that. Or she'll ask something completely different from why I went there in the first place and then I'll forget. Kim said in my first aid post that what I was describing was concerning and I should get checked out medically but I really don't want to or see the point. I know she is not a doctor but I did not know if I could mention it to her or not and have her see what she thinks? I hate the medical doctors there and I don't want to see them when I know they're just going to say I'm mental and it's all in my head. But maybe if I explained it to her she could say something to them in advance? I don't know. But it's all irrelevant anyones if nothing comes out of it then I do have to kill myself?
I don't know. I don't want to have gotten my hopes up. I think I did.
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You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
i feel like it would be easier to write things down but i can't have it saved anywhere. the only thing i can think of would be if i typed something out on my computer but did not save it so could delete it as soon as she would read it. but i don't think she would go for that. she has been reluctant to read anything in the past because i can't really talk about it and i refuse to read it out loud. then she wants to read it out loud instead which i am not ok with.
i'm trying to do coursework but i am really struggling and exhausted and i don't know how to avoid just freaking out and getting nothing done.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Can you try the typing idea out though? I mean it's better tan nothing, and maybe if you stress how difficult it is and this is the only way you can commuincate things that are really important sh emight be more willing to comply.
I got out late and now the class I added has already started and I can't walk in late. She said I would be done by 10:45 but the system screwed up so they couldn't sign me in as being there. Then she wanted to go over confidentiality again and said that she knew that the doctors in the hospital couldn't see her notes. I asked how and she said that her husband was my medical doctor in the hospital last time and she asked him to check for sure. He could see a note from a medical doctor saying that she had talked to the doctor lady and that was the only reason he knew I was her patient too. I asked if he was allowed to tell her and she said because it was in a professional capacity and I was a shared patient that he was, and he only said I was there and he was my doctor and nothing else.
I couldn't explain well. She agreed that nothing would change by having come but said she thinks it is worth trying to talk about things. She said maybe if she had more information about everything that maybe we could try to come up with a way to change things but that can only be done through talking. I tried to explain about not wanting to be dead and about the difference between not being allowed to talk about things versus not wanting to or even just not knowing the answer. She seemed more understanding of that but then tried to ask what leads up to the ods and I told her I just make things up at the hospital so they have answers. She said she would like a non made up answer but I don't have one. She asked if I could tell her when I don't know things but I said no because when I do she keeps asking the same question or thinks I don't want to talk about it. She said she could also try to be more understanding of that as well and that in the future if I didn't know she would try to move on or ask in a different way.
I didn't see the point in making another appointment but she said to email if I change my mind.
Last edited by Auror. : 21-01-2015 at 01:20 AM.
Reason: fixed typos now that i am on my laptop
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
sorry to bump. is anyone around or anything? i'm not had a great day and am struggling. i have assignments due tonight and am unsure how to stay safe or even do them.
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You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
i doubt it. it's only the second week of classes and i would have had to say something further in advance. now it just looks like laziness. especially given i've already emailed the instructor because the due date on the syllabus didn't match up with what is listed on the course website for turning it in.
the only schoolwork i've been able to do so far is math. everything else i've not been able to make sense of. i didn't go to my class yesterday and i missed one of my two classes today.
i feel very odd.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
i've tried doing schoolwork. i've tried phoning justin (when he was awake earlier). i've taken the dog outside, played a video game. nothing is helping. it's almost two am and i should have tried to go to sleep hours ago. i should go to class tomorrow.
i'm actually okay with it if i self harm (which i am pretty good at managing those urges so hopefully will not) but really need to avoid oding. if that means i have to self harm to not od i'm not sure i see how that is bad even though i know it technically is.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I feel like ****. Ended up taking a small od, like a normal amount that i would never get medical attention for and my heart start doing who knows what. So I rang poison control who said to get it checked, the rang the non emergency line who sent paramedics.
They were not too pleased with me because they know who I am, and they told me when they got the call, they knew exactly what had happened and where I'd be. They get angry because my vitals are actually normal, but then I get to the medical hospital and it turns out **** is out of whack. The same thing happened last time. They told me I should consider just driving myself next time instead of calling them. Then something got mixed up because they wanted me to go to psych for a 72 hour hold, but I never actually got put on one. The social worker at the hospital recongised me, we chatted, and he told them it wasn't necessary. A number of the nurses recognised me too. It's not a good thing to be recognised by those kind of people.
I don't even think they were going to do much of anything. They did one bag of fluids and then my potassium was super low which they said was probably why my heart was being so weird so they made me take some pills for that. Then did another bag of fluids because I was dehydrated. They wanted me to admit me and have me stay at least until 2pm this afternoon to monitor my heart and things, but I left AMA because neither Justin nor A could get Lyra and I couldn't have her in her crate that long.
Everyone's fed up with my ****. The paramedics, the doctors at the hospital. I don't really think they wanted to even do anything. They never ran half of the blood work they collected for or even the urine sample. I missed school again, and I left my dog alone all night with nobody to come get her.
I should have just killed myself.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
You say the doctors didn't want to do anything but they gave you a lot via drips and wanted to admit you so it sounds like they did want to help but you left against medical advice so it couldn't happen.
Why did you overdose?
From the outside looking in I know it's easier to say than do but something has to change about the way you manage the intense urges.
I just feel so guilty for wasting everyone's time and leaving the dog alone like that. Especially when it was my normal amount and I should have been fine. I have no idea why I panicked.
I asked what they would do if I stayed longer and they said just observation on the heart monitor to see if my heart rate gets back to a normal level. I guess poison control recommended staying that long to make sure I was ok. But they were going to do no meds, no more drips. So it was completely pointless.
I took my normal amount to try and sleep. I didn't go overboard. The whole thing was completely dumb. Maybe they're right and I'm just an asshole looking for attention.
I slept on and off most of yesterday but got up and went to class today. We got assigned a group project in one class and then one of my group members in my other class wants to call me for help on the homework that I already completed. Made an appointment with the doctor lady for Monday after class. I asked A if she would go with me to the doctor on Tuesday if my heart still feels funny but she has not responded.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
