Intense emotional pain

[one_step_closer]

I didn't make it to the walking group. I went out after a while to go on the bus and the group were in front of me crossing the road. I am such a failure. I was thinking of asking my key worker if someone might be able to come to the group with me but I don't think I should since I haven't been going to the gym group. I don't know if it's just me judging myself for not managing things, since my CPN seemed very non judgemental about it, but surely there will be other people who are just getting annoyed with me. I am annoyed with myself and there is no way to be gentle with myself, I am a waste of life.

I still haven't spoken to anyone about the heart stuff either and I didn't get a letter through with a cardiology appointment. I'm worried that I'm letting something tick away inside of me (that will soon cause my heart to stop ticking).

[one_step_closer]

The men are saying some human parts of me are dying and I need to protect/save as many people as possible before I die completely. That needs to involve a huge spree of risky behaviours or at least absorbing as much rain as possible to start with. I'm trying to talk to someone on Breathing Space web chat rather than jump straight in but I am a failure anyway so I'll never be able to be risky enough.

[Soft Kitty]

I'm glad you're talking to Breathing Space, I hope they help to offer a different point of view or at least help you feel less alone. Have you ignored the men before?

[one_step_closer]

Thanks.

This is stupid. I am stupid.

I don't even know where I'm supposed to go to find the entrance to the other world, and it's really lonely wandering around too. I'm so scared and wish that other people would see that and help me but they just see someone walking in the rain.

I am emotionally aching. I am alone. I am worthless, so if I can harm myself properly it won't even matter.

I have ignored the men lots of times, well not ignored but not been able to do what they have said.

[Soft Kitty]

You're not worthless, but I understand it feels that way. I think the loneliness is a very deep and important matter. Relationships and a sense of community are valuable and I wish that was something you had. I wonder if that's worth exploring with your CPN.

I asked if you ever ignored the men because that's a question I get asked sometimes (not about the men, about other, perhaps similar people) and I get some reassurance from knowing that sometimes these 'people' have said things were going to happen that didn't end up happening. I don't know if that makes sense, but I wondered if you would find some comfort in that.

Are you out at the moment? Do you think you could go home and get yourself snuggly and warm and dry? A hot drink and a cuddly blanket?

[Pi.R^2]

Do your mental health team know about the men and the things you feel you need to do?

Also with regards the notes, I can understand feeling like you should know what people are writing about you, but I think you can see that that is massively outweighed by the negativity that it brings so I hope you can resist the urge to engage further in it. Didn't you have a thread about a 'To Don't' list? This needs to go on that!!

[one_step_closer]

Thank you both.

I was safe enough, didn't wander for long. I'm sick of myself. Breathing Space told me to contact either crisis or my CPN but I really don't feel able to. Mostly just because of the phone contact issue. I could go to the office where the crisis team are based (they have a service through the day that isn't crisis related) and speak to someone in person and ask if maybe I could have visits put in place from crisis but that involves knocking on their door and people don't do that. I'd rather speak to my CPN but there's probably nothing she can do anyway. I'll just need to wait until my next appointment.

My MHT do know about the men stuff, that's why I was prescribed Aripiprazole. My CPN knows about it the most and how things can be more or less intense at points. She usually just tells me she wants me to focus on keeping myself safe. I am too safe.

Requesting my notes really should go on my 'to don't' list. It's difficult though.

[one_step_closer]

My key worker phoned and left a message to arrange to do my review which is due next week. She said I could email back to let her know if the date she set was ok. I could have maybe asked for crisis input in the email but I didn't. Email isn't a good way to have a proper discussion especially since my key worker doesn't get the email directly, it goes through admin and she passes on the message.

I really just want to talk to my CPN, but she'd ask what I want her to do and I don't know. I just need to be heard.

Edit: Plus I'm an adult so maybe I should be dealing with things myself rather than always thinking I need some support.

[one_step_closer]

I hate the dark evenings, they make me feel trapped. Plus the darkness and bad weather sometimes make the other world things bigger. It would be ok if I was able to harm myself better and do the risky things needed but I'm unable to do anything well enough now.

I need to talk things through with someone but I can't phone crisis and I don't think using Breathing Space web chat would be helpful tonight.

It's hard to choose an activity to do and then stay focused on it too and that makes things so much worse even though it's a minor thing.

[Auror.]

I think it's okay to need support. Could you write out what you would say to someone if you could? Then you could use that next time you feel able to reach out to show what was going on at the time.

[Auror.]

Also, sometimes forcing yourself to try to focus on specific things or stressing over the fact that you aren't able to focus can actually make it worse. It just creates a feedback loop. For example, if I panic about the fact that I am panicking, it makes me panic more. Where if I say like, yes okay I am panicking and this is just what it is at the moment, that does not make it worse. So it's more about accepting that things are the way they are, and that's not inherently wrong. It just is.

So if instead you tried to accept that focusing is hard for the moment, and that's okay, then you can look at it like, whatever you can manage to do even if you need to switch tasks is allowed. Then you can say, hey cool I just did this thing for 5 minutes, that was awesome! I need to switch and do this other thing now and that's okay.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks.

I did try to write what I might say to someone but it feels forced and like a huge task for some reason. I can only express myself in writing to myself or to others indirectly kind of like this if that makes any sense. If I force myself to write something I can't do it, it has to be at a natural moment. Even when I look back at what I write here it doesn't seem to explain anything if I copy it out to show to my CPN. I don't know what I'm trying to say right now. Communication is difficult. I don't think I could write a big chunk of text, I need proper interaction to explain things. Maybe copying out what I write here would make sense to my CPN but it just seems so different out of context. I don't know.

I was walking home today and it was cold and I remembered last year at some point where I went wandering in the early hours of the morning in my PJs when it was frosty. I remember not feeling real or in control and I'm scared of that happening again. At the same time I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I can't seem to do anything risky. I am wrong in the state that I am currently in. Something is hugely wrong. Words don't exist to explain anything, I'm not even sure how much I exist maybe that's why there are no real words.

[one_step_closer]

I made it to the gym group today but couldn't do the circuits because I was anxious and it felt scary because we had to go into a different room and there was exercises that I thought would make me look ridiculous. The men were about so I just asked to go back into the gym and do my own stuff which I managed for a short while but then went to hide in the shower cubicle. It's made me extra suicidal, I don't think I can do life. It probably sounds stupid the way I have explained things. I want the energy/ability to do something really harmful to myself but it's like my brain is paralysed. I've only managed some minor self harm. Life is way too scary and I am way too pathetic.

[nonperson]

You probably won't agree but I want to say seriously well done, that is an awesome achievement going back to the gym group. I hope you do feel a little bit proud of yourself because you really should. It doesn't matter that you didn't do all the stuff or even that you went to hide at the end. I know what you mean about it being difficult doing exercises that might make you look ridiculous though. And it doesn't sound stupid at all what you have written there.

I do wish you can see a bit of positivity and can be proud of yourself for going back after so long. And even if you can't, well, I'm very proud of you.

[Auror.]

I agree with nonperson that going in itself is a huge achievement. I hope you can give yourself a little bit of kindness and acknowledge that as a positive.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you both. I can recognise that it was an achievement to make it to the group since I've not been for a while it's just that it wasn't a nice experience and it's made me very anxious and not wanting to go back. But the people in the group were really pleased to see me and I think they'd want me to come regularly. I do want to come, too. Maybe it will be easier next week because I think there will be more of us so we'll be doing circuits in the gym rather than going to the room to do them because it's small. I get so easily upset though and I wonder what stupid expressions my face is doing. I didn't feel entirely real at the group yesterday and it worries me what I might do in that state.

The gym group worker, who is now my key worker, is coming to see me next week to do my review. I've said before here that I feel kind of uncomfortable with her being my key worker so I hope it goes ok. Someone from crisis is coming to see me on Sunday to review the plan we made about trying to make phone calls easier. Since we made the plan I've phoned and hung up 3 times and haven't spoken once. I really want to be able to easily make a phone call and speak on the phone but I can't think of how to do that.

[Soft Kitty]

It's okay to get upset, it's not your fault. Hopefully people there will understand and feel empathy. It sounds like they really enjoy your company and possibly even that the group could be an important part of your week if it gets easier as time goes on. I agree you should be very proud of yourself, you are brave to go.

I hope it goes well with your keyworker. Can you think of anything you might be able to ask her to do/not to do to help you feel more supported and less uncomfortable? Hopefully she would appreciate feedback like that, and would be able to adjust how she does things to make things feel better.

Also, good luck with crisis this weekend. It's okay to say it's not been working, and also okay to not have the answers about how to make it work. It's likely that other people struggle with this too, so maybe they need to put their heads together as a team to try and work things differently.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. It's embarrassing to get upset though. I'm especially worried about getting upset because at my last job I was talking to my manager about being a carer (I was at that point) and I didn't feel upset at all but my lips/cheek/chin were trembling and I couldn't control it and it was so embarrassing. Then I was on alert all the time and it happened in small amounts more and more which further increased my anxiety and upset. I'd rather cry than do the twitchy thing. Sometimes I feel it starting and I get really panicky. I get upset so easily too about things that other people would probably not find upsetting.

The group is good and I do like the people. If I can get back into the routine of going and we do our usual circuits rather than scary ones then it should be ok. It was hard as well because I was trying to avoid peoples 'how are you?' questions and I was doing a lot of avoiding eye contact because I was distressed. It's hard being around people and I know these people understand at least some of what I go through but I still feel the need to put on a face.

I'm not sure what my key worker could do to make me feel more comfortable. I think a lot of my uncomfortable feelings aren't based on reality. Like I imagined she'd be annoyed at me for not answering the phone but she was absolutely fine with me just emailing a response. And she did tell me to do the circuits at the gym but later on apologised and said she shouldn't have expected me to get right back into them. Maybe her lack of contact with me too is because she knows I don't like phone calls. I just feel like she hasn't organised support for me when I've needed it but I guess I could discuss that with her.

[Soft Kitty]

I can definitely relate to how embarrassing it can feel. It's not nice at all. I remember when I had this odd thing where my eyes would close tight uncontrollably and I wouldn't be able to open them. The body can be very strange at times, especially where anxiety is concerned.

I wonder if there's a thing you could say to the, "How are you?" questions? Something that would be the truth but wouldn't leave you feeling too vulnerable. Something I've of my friends and I use is 'plodding on' or 'okay but not'. It doesn't end up leaving you feeling you've had to betray yourself but doesn't give too much away (I especially like 'plodding on'!)

I'm glad your keyworker is noticing more when things are difficult for you and is making adjustments. But definitely discuss with her that you may need more support at certain times - and maybe there's a way of communicating that that you could both agree upon. It sounds really silly, but recently during a panic attack, my partner and I agreed that I would say 'strawberry' if I needed to go somewhere quieter. Not sure I'll manage to say 'strawberry' but I'll try!

How are you feeling today?

[one_step_closer]

Some of the time when people ask how I am I say 'trying to be ok.' Most of the time when people ask I say i'mokthankshowareyou? so it's one big squashed sentence where they can't probe further and have to answer my question. I think a lot of people do that though. Sometimes I'm honest but people don't always want to know so I just tell people I'm ok most of the time. I'm sometimes more honest via text messages.

I hope that tomorrow when crisis come to review my phone plan I can also talk about how things are but the last time they came about the phone plan that's all we spoke about.

Something weird is happening but I need to stay sane just in case insanity leads me to A&E because that is horrible and it would be extra horrible if I was then admitted to a psych ward. Just stay sane enough.