I just can't anymore

[chinahorse]

I'm sorry to reach out here. I feel trapped by the hospital. I want to self harm so badly I die. I feel passively suicidal. I can't. I just can't and I don't feel heard. I want to die.

[tiptoes]

It's good to reach out, there is no need to apologise.

Not feeling heard makes everything feel worse when you are struggling as does feeling trapped. I wonder whether you have been able to discuss these feelings with your treatment team?

I'm low on words right now so leaves hugs.

[Buttons.]

Needing connections and support is nothing to apologise for. Can you say a little more about why you feel the hospital isn't listening? Have you told them about how bad things are at the moment with regards sh and suicidal thoughts? I won't bore you suggesting distraction techniques I'm pretty sure you know most of them, but wanted to pop my head in and say I care.

[chinahorse]

I've talked in group about the injustice of tge place. It helped a bit.

The hospital don't know about my thoughts. I don't know what to say to them.

I'm tired of fighting.

[chinahorse]

I want to give up. I can't anymore. I can't.

[chinahorse]

How do I deal with intrusive graphic thoughts of self harm and suicide?

[tiptoes]

Is there anyone you can talk to about this?

I guess for me, I first try to remove any risks. I find the thoughts are worse when my brain knows there are methods around.

Are there any early signs that a thought process is turning intrusive and graphic?

I find counter arguments quite helpful telling my mind in detail how I am not going to allow that to happen.

I sometimes sing silly little repetitive songs like "I know a song that will get on your nerves" things on a loop.

[Uglyducklin]

I'm low on words but thinking of you x

[bitomato]

By remembering you don't have to deal alone. I have to try to remember that people want to help. The thoughts feel intrusive, but it is ok to tell someone who is in a better position to guide you away from a crisis...

[chinahorse]

I've tried telling them yo my therapist and that didn't help at all.

As for early signs I'm not sure. I mean I'm sure there are but I don't know.

Counter arguments is a good one if I can remember to do it. I just get so caught up in the fantasy tgat I forget.

I am trying to lean on the community as I'm in a therapeutic community rn but again we go home at weekends and that's when I'm most at risk. I will keep trying to reach out for support.

[Buttons.]

Could you talk through the factors that make weekends high risk for you within the community and try and create a coping plan for those times?

[chinahorse]

This is what the community and I aim to do. I promise I'm trying but I just really want the graphic intrusive thoughts and images to stop.

[Buttons.]

Oh lovely please don't think I was implying you weren't trying I know you are just mentioned it as sometimes when I'm in state f panic forget things like that x

[chinahorse]

I've tried Carmen suggestion.

Sorry Katy.

I can't do this. I can't.

[[Luna]]

What's happening Lillie?

[chinahorse]

I'm so triggered. So many graphic images. So many urges. I can't think of anything but blood and death. I'm scared.

[tiptoes]

Sits with you.

is there anyone in your placement you can talk too?

Can we help you come up with a staying safe plan for this evening?

[chinahorse]

I talked earlier. It made me feel no better.

I just had a shower and will do a face mask as an opposite action to the destruction. Beyond that I don't know.

[tiptoes]

ok, shower and face mask sound like excellent ideas.

how are you getting on?

[chinahorse]

I'm calmer. Still having the intrusive images and thoughts. If I act on them I'll get kicked out. I'm planning to do things in secret. No one understands that I need to do these things.