Horribly scared I'm infecting people

[[Luna]]

I'm feeling horribly anxious that I'm infecting people and causing brain tumours. The thoughts and worries are becoming more and more intrusive and I can't shake them off. I keep feeling very panicky and scared. I've been having nightmares about it all too and keep waking up unable to breathe.

Today I went out to try and distract myself but I had a bad anxiety attack where my heart was racing, my legs became numb and the ground was moving. I thought I was going to pass out. I'm still shaky and my heart is pounding.

I'm having a lot of thoughts about burning and poisoning myself. I want to withdraw from people and push them away to protect them.

I don't know what to do.

[Cacoethes]

I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed Luna.
It's not possible for you to infect people in this way. There is no way, scientifically, that you would be able to cause someone to have a brain tumour. So burning or poisoning isn't going to help anything, it will only hurt you which no one wants you to do.
Do you have any techniques for calming down that work for you?
Things that help me are music, an easy film such as harry potter and deep breathing.

[[Luna]]

Thank you Beckie.

I keep telling myself that it's irrational but the thoughts don't stop. I feel sick with fear and No amount of me reasoning with myself seems to ease it.

I tried to go out with my camera today which eased the anxiety is a little but the thoughts were still going round and round in my head. I'm trying to distract myself. I saw my friend after my anxiety attack, it helped being around someone but then I'm worried I'm infecting him.

I just looked up symptoms of brain tumours because my mind keeps telling me to be aware of the signs so I can get people help. I really don't want to hurt anyone.

[Cacoethes]

It's probably not helpful to look up symptoms of brain tumours. You might just start seeing symptoms everywhere where there is absolutely nothing sinister going on.

I'm glad seeing your friend helped. Could you maybe organise to see some more friends? Like going out for coffees to distract you for a while.

Have you spoken to any professionals about this? I'm sure you have but can't remember exactly, sorry.

[[Luna]]

I'm going to my friends house tomorrow so I'm hoping the company might help.

I'm just so worried about talking to people. It feels unsafe. I'm scared it will make things worse.

[Cacoethes]

That's good. I hope you manage to enjoy yourself.

I know it feels scary lovely but I promise you, you aren't making anyone ill. I know you're having trouble believing that at the moment and I know there's nothing I can say that will make you believe it, but all I can say Is I promise you you aren't making anyone ill. X

[[Luna]]

Thank you love.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. Kept having panic attacks and needed to take the last of my PRN to calm down.

I'm feeling very worried. I'm scared P is going to die. He's going to die and it will all be my fault.
I'm scared I've killed my old counsellor.

I can't stop my thoughts racing. I want to burn so so badly.

[Buttons.]

Those thoughts sound really scary. I know this sounds simplistic but what would burning achieve? That's what I try and tell myself when burning urges happen.

[[Luna]]

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Poss triggering

Burning goes deeper than cutting and more likely to reach the poison and destroy some of it.

I feel so sick and overwhelmed. I'm kind of frozen here because I don't know what to do first.

[Buttons.]

Believe me I know that feeling what would you say to someone else with similar urges?

[[Luna]]

I'd say hurting themselves wouldn't solve anything or protect anyone.
I know this is irrational but I just can't get the thoughts to stop. I'm shaking and feel sick. I spoke to P for a little bit and he is going to text me throughout the day to let me know he's ok.

I need to tke my meds, have a bath and do some other stuff before going to see my friend. I'm struggling to get my head around basic functioning.

[Harbour]

Limited wifi but you can do this <3.

Also, can you use IVF as motivation? I know you already do massively, but would making a list of what you will do with your baby when you have one? Things like that. Sentimental things you'd want to do with them.

Would emailing rasasc for reassurance help? Not sure if this is a good idea or not.

xxxxxx

[[Luna]]

I just can't. It hurts too much. I can't think about having a baby too much because it makes my heart hurt. There is no guarantee I will ever have a baby and I need to protect myself against that. It may sound negative or stupid but it's the only way I can cope.

I don't think emailing rasasc is a good idea because it could spiral into a compulsion and that's not good.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm shooting down your ideas. I don't mean to love. Thank you for responding.

I managed to get out and see my friend. The thoughts are still very intrusive but the company helped. P has been letting me know he's ok regularly which helps too.

J found some diazapam so I'll take that when the anxiety gets too bad.

[[Luna]]

The anxiety is really bad this morning.
What if my old counsellor is dead? What is P's dizziness and balance problems are the start of a brain tumour? It started after he came to see me. I've infected him, I know I have.
I'm worried about my mum. She's vulnerable. I've already made her ill before.

God, I need to burn it out. I need to weaken this body. It's too dangerous. I'm too dangerous.

[Pi.R^2]

Sorry your anxiety is bad today; how has your morning been?

I highly doubt that your old counsellor is dead or that P has a brain tumour, but even if he did, I know for sure that it would not be your fault. That's just not how tumours work.

I know you've burned in the past, and yet you are in the same predicament of feeling like you have poison within you that burning would remove, so it really does seem as though this feeling is actually a feeling rather than an actual fact and that burning doesn't actually change the feeling. But it is 'just' a feeling and whilst it's horrible, it's also not something that is actually causing harm to anyone, and I hope you can at least try to hold on to the logic that bad things happen to all sorts of people, completely regardless of whether or not they interact with you.

[[Luna]]

I spoke to P briefly and he's still going to keep me updated on how he is.

I went out for a bit but it was very hard because of the anxiety and my legs kept going wobbily and numb. I keep seeing rotting faces. I wanted to buy stuff to burn or pills. I was stood looking at the products for ages but I don't have much money and I know that if I burn I won't be able to hide it. I want to so, so badly.

Burning doesn't get all the poison out which is why it doesn't solve the issue completely. The poison is in my blood from the evil mass in my chest. It generates it and leaks it into my body.

[Harbour]

^jennas answer was ace!

You can do this, this will pass xx

[[Luna]]

I can't get these stupid thoughts to stop.
I want to scrub myself raw. My skin is crawling.
The thoughts and faces. I feel sick, I'm so scared.

[Uglyducklin]

Hugs is there anyonewith you .

[[Luna]]

Jocelyn is asleep. I washed my hands with bleach. I feel relieved and calmer.
I'm resisting the urges just to keep doing it over and over again.
Feel quite low now.