I've been cutting more, and worse than I've been telling you.
And now you think I've recovered, but that's far from the truth. I'm getting worse but I've stopped telling you because I hate to see you hurt.
Please stay ignorant because your smile brightens up my life.
Ich würd alles geben um dir zu helfen. Bitte hör auf. Bitte, bitte red mit mir. Ich sehe deine arme, und ich sehe dass du sie unter armbändern und langen Ärmeln versteckst. Bitte. Du bist mir immer noch viel zu wichtig, als dass ich aufhören könnte mich um dich zu sorgen.
Ich würde alles geben um dir zu helfen. Ich will nicht, dass dir irgend etwas schlimmes passiert. Ich will nicht, dass du eine Sehne oder sonst was zerschneidest. Es tut weh dich lachen zu sehen, wärend ich weiss dass es dir nicht gut geht. Ich hasse es dass ich weiss was los ist, und du weisst das, und wir beide wissen dass ich weiss was du gerade durch machst, aber wir tun so als ob ich keine Ahnung hätte.
Ich hasse mich dafür dass ich einfach die klappe halte und dich nicht anspreche.
I. Can't Do this...
I keep getting paranoid and it's not fair to you
I don't want to lose you and I'm going to anyway
I know I am...
I hate myself..so much..
“Because everything that goes around comes around. Maybe it's luck or maybe it's fate, but either way, it comes back around."
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
Location: In a glass vial in the pocket of a beautiful mind.
I am currently:
I miss us.
rhap·so·dy - an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm. ♫
"Sacrifice is the most you can love someone." ♥
“Love was at best an excuse for stupidity, at worst a destructive, dangerous emotion that drove men to acts of annihilation which defied logic. It was a twisted, insidious sentiment used to justify everything from spoiling a child to destroying entire civilizations.”
What do you really want?
Why are you acting this way
Did I do anything wrong?
Why did you say that..
Are you really over her?
Do you know that every night before I sleep and every day when I wake up the first name that comes to my mind is yours?
First of all, I just want to know, why? I know that I was physically smaller and weaker than you, and conveniently available, but still, why? Was something going on with you at the time? Was somebody doing the same thing to you (which I shudder to think of)?
Did you just hate me?
I don't understand why you just get a clean slate. Mom and Dad know exactly what went on, but did basically nothing. You get to just grow up, get married, join the Navy, move on with your life. You get to live a happy life. And yes, your life is happy, because I don't care how much remorse or even anguish you might feel over what you did, it's nothing compared to what I've had to deal with in the wake of what happened.
Nightmares. Flashbacks. A screwed-up sexuality. Fear of men. A fragmented self. Severe mental health issues. Low self-esteem. A feeling that somehow, I was to blame, even though I'm not.
But to me, the worst consequence of what you did is how I feel about you. I love you most dearly, I do. And yet I hate you. I would trust you with my life, and yet you are the last person I would trust. These strong, conflicting feelings can't be felt at once, so split off parts of me hold them instead.
I wonder if your wife knows what you did. Probably not. It's a family secret, right? No one else needs to know. Maybe if we don't talk about it, it'll go away. Well, it hasn't worked for me.
Anyway, right now, I'm in intensive therapy. I'm working hard. I don't want to be sick my entire life. I don't want to feel this way my entire life. I want to just love and trust you as a sibling, period. No other emotions.
You don't have to apologize to me. I have a feeling that you are at least a little guilty, and that's enough for me. I understand that you're a complicated human being, not a one-dimensional monster.
It's unfortunate, but what you did will always be in my memory. But I'm working towards it being just that, a memory, and not something that rules my life. Not something that makes me sick. Not something that comes between us.
I love you, Brother.
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.