If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off! (hmm)
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: (West Midlands) Staffordshire "UK"
I am currently:
Triggering (ED) - Just.....This is where i'm at.
I've not been to good to tell you the truth.Just lately Ana has been having her grip on me so tight. She's with me from the moment i wake up, to the last thing i think of before i go to sleep. Sometimes i find it hard to sleep if i don't think of anything else but ! It's quite sad to say that i find it very comforting to know that i have Ana controlling me in the day to come. She is the only way i know how to cope. I wish she wasn't my life line, but i guess she is in a way. The only reason why sometimes i don't grumble when i wake up is because i know i have Ana living my life for me, which is one less thing for me to worry about. All i've got to worry about is just being here.
She gives me orders, gets inside my brain and tells me what to do,what to loose, how to loose it.And i am totaly okay with that.I shouldn't be. I know i shouldn't, but she's just made everything seem so damn right just lately.
To have Ana in my life sometimes is a pain. Like when my firends ask me out to have a dinner with them, i have to say no. Like my best friend is coming home from london in two weeks and she wants me to go to mc donalds with her the day she geats back. HA! I havn't said yes yet bacause i dont want to let her down. But i really can't go. Like reallly can't go! I'd be thinking of how much callories everything consumes and i'd get so god damn anxious and feel sick. I hate eating out. I can't do it. I just can't.
Also another friend asked me to go to an indian with him for his birthday. I was like , then i asked him what food do they do,i explained that i'm a very fussy eater and he was like "AA it's alright they do english" i then go, do they do pasta? I'll only come if they make me pasta or salad of something , then he goes "well if they don't i'll have to make them " haha bless him.
But you see what i mean, Ana is with me in my every thought. And i guess that's why i've been spiraling so out of control just lately.I have seen my weight struggle since the start of all this,more so just recently, i must admit, but it hasn't really botherd me. I want to reach my target. Ha i say target. I shouldn't really because it's never fixed. I reach it then make it lower. I tell myself next target i hit, i'll stop and release Ana. Okay the next one. DARN IT! i'm still to big, Okay really,,, when i hit my next one i'll stop at that and maintain that one. It's like i'm never ever happy with any weight i'm at. I hope i'm not always going to be like that. I hate feeling so indescisive and lost with myself. It sucks big time.
So yeah, Cazzy's not doing to well at the moment. But i shall keep on trying.
I read this and I swear to god that I could have written those exact wrods. Hunny I know what it is like and I know how you are feeling. I unfortunately cant offer much advice, but you know that my heart is with you and I love you so dearly.. and I promise to help in anyway I can... just throw me a pm.
You can fight this. You can beat this. I know you can. Keep going. Stay as strong as I know you are.
This post is really scary sweetheart... All I can say is keep on fighting...
One of the worst things about EDs are the way they can get under your skin and really start to control your life, but you know it's just a coping mechanism, so maybe try to think about the reasons why things are so much harder for you at the moment, and try and exert some control over that (if possible)... I know that's much easier said than done!
Well done on making the post, I know it can be really hard to reach out at times.
Try and take care of yourself,
Lx
please feel free to PM whenever you need to,, i am always here for you. you are wonderful and i would to see you consumed by all of this,, please keep fighting sweetheart, you are worth so much more than this.
Sometimes the hardest thing is admitting that it is becoming a problem but you have done that I wonder If you are seeing someone about all this? Maybe you could ask your friend if you could go somewhere less food orientated but that you could always get take out macdonalds if she wants it so badly?
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off! (hmm)
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: (West Midlands) Staffordshire "UK"
I am currently:
Hey, thanks you guys, i really wasn't expecting replys anything half like that. So thanks alot
random.swirls (sorry i don't know your name >_< eak), no i'm not seeing anyone about this. No one even knows i struggle with this. I guess i hide it far too well eh!
Once again, thanks for the support people, i love you all =]
, then i asked him what food do they do,i explained that i'm a very fussy eater and he was like "AA it's alright they do english" i then go, do they do pasta? I'll only come if they make me pasta or salad of something 
, then he goes "well if they don't i'll have to make them 
